I don't know how I look!

[improver]

Yes, the title states something that sounds very weird and crazy. But, I'm saying this for real, I really don't know how I look. I am a guy, 19 years old. I want to find out if I'm ugly or good looking, or what. Or to make things clearer, I'm UNSURE of my physical image. I have an obsession with mirrors, and I look at almost anything that brings forth my reflection, such as car windows, building windows, reflections created in mirrors reflected by another mirror..yes, it's very weird. Help me please? Thanks.

Being unsure of my self-image has lead to lacking self-esteem, self-confidence, depression, etc. If I had known that I look good ( as in attractive, ) and not fat, etc. I would've been able to socialize a lot better. Honestly. I have also come out on this site ONLY, that I'm bi..please don't ignore me for that. Thanks. Also, if you have any, please give me some tips and ideas on finding my sense of style. I don't know what kind of style matches me. I always wear a t shirt and jeans or short pants, and it's boring/no style, which is what I think. I have black hair, kinda straight, a little long, etc. Thanks for your time, I really appreciate it.

[rei]

improver, things like self-image are better found within us.
i feel like you want us to tell you whether you seem attractive or unattractive. or want us to say you are attractive no matter what. our opinions on your looks don't matter. your opinions matter.

i also think you might be using self-image as an excuse. self-image is your own responsibility primarily, and you are responsible for your social skills whether you have a perfect self-image or not. you may not like this piece here because i am empowering you to accept responsibility for your beliefs.

style is a fairly complex thing. have you tried different styles? preppy, professional, classic, skater, goth, emo, j. crew. (probably preppy), etc.? what type of personality traits would you want people to notice from your clothing? the traits you want them to see, or want reflected to the world, will influence what style is right for you.

[profitatlast]

Hi Improver,

I agree with the last poster.

If you were to hear us say you are unattractive or overweight or whatever, you would be even more depressed and unsure of yourself. If we were to say you were good looking and perfect you would doubt us and think we are only trying to make you feel better.

This is because you are not happy with yourself at the moment. Here is some advice. FIRST fix yourself inside - iow, do what you need to do to be happy with yourself as a person. A good test is: would you like to be your friend if you were someone else? If not why not? Work on your inner strengths and weaknesses first and once you are happy with yourself as a loving person that people look forward to being with, you will notice that your style and looks don't play a critical role in your life.

Let us know how you get on and good luck.

Fran

[improver]

thanks for the reply.


The problem is...I don't know what personality traits I have..so I can't find my style! Also, I think emo style, etc. those kinds of styles look awesome, in my opinion..but I'm afraid to try it out because I have no friends that look like that.

[improver]

Originally Posted by profitatlast

Hi Improver,

I agree with the last poster.

If you were to hear us say you are unattractive or overweight or whatever, you would be even more depressed and unsure of yourself. If we were to say you were good looking and perfect you would doubt us and think we are only trying to make you feel better.

This is because you are not happy with yourself at the moment. Here is some advice. FIRST fix yourself inside - iow, do what you need to do to be happy with yourself as a person. A good test is: would you like to be your friend if you were someone else? If not why not? Work on your inner strengths and weaknesses first and once you are happy with yourself as a loving person that people look forward to being with, you will notice that your style and looks don't play a critical role in your life.

Let us know how you get on and good luck.





Fran

Okay, thanks for the reply.
I would be a friend with myself if I were someone else..but I think I'm boring.. Like I don't even know how to bring up a good conversation. I usually act weird when talking with someone, my hands can't stay still, as if I'm shaking, and I speak very fast, somewhat even incoherent. But, I don't know.. Maybe I just have a huge ego, and I want that to go away!

Oh by the way - QUOTE - If we were to say you were good looking and perfect you would doubt us and think we are only trying to make you feel better.So when people say I look good, are they really just trying to make me feel better? I wonder that a lot, and I doubt.. I don't know when people mean it or not..

[rei]

no one here is qualified to tell you how you should dress. even if you gave us a lot more detail, that's still something you need to work out.

i feel like you would rather follow than lead, and that's understandable because following what others say often is much easier than figuring out for ourselves what we want. but most likely no one here is going to feed a follower mentality for you.

if you like emo style and want to try it out, i say go for it. so what if your friends don't dress that way? real friends will not go away because we decide to dress differently, if that happens they aren't real friends.

[rei]

you would like to not be so jittery when you speak to others. that probably comes from focusing more on yourself instead of the people you talk to, which can easily lead to feeling self-conscious.

i think you'd benefit from reading this blog post, and probably a lot of the other posts on this site: Focus Outward to Win Friends and Improve your People Skills

[improver]

Originally Posted by rei

no one here is qualified to tell you how you should dress. even if you gave us a lot more detail, that's still something you need to work out.

i feel like you would rather follow than lead, and that's understandable because following what others say often is much easier than figuring out for ourselves what we want. but most likely no one here is going to feed a follower mentality for you.

if you like emo style and want to try it out, i say go for it. so what if your friends don't dress that way? real friends will not go away because we decide to dress differently, if that happens they aren't real friends.

What if the emo /whatever community doesn't want to accept me.. do I need to hang out with the specific type of people first before I start dressing their way?

[improver]

Originally Posted by rei

you would like to not be so jittery when you speak to others. that probably comes from focusing more on yourself instead of the people you talk to, which can easily lead to feeling self-conscious.

i think you'd benefit from reading this blog post, and probably a lot of the other posts on this site: Focus Outward to Win Friends and Improve your People Skills

Thank you for the link

[rei]

Originally Posted by improver

What if the emo /whatever community doesn't want to accept me.. do I need to hang out with the specific type of people first before I start dressing their way?

you can dress how you want to dress. i know of groups who hang out where everyone dresses differently. yes there are some groups where you have to become part of the group or they all dress the same way, but that's not how it has to be.

i actually think you'd fit in with an emo group of people... based on what you've shared here... but i thought you were saying before you were worried about your current friends rejecting you because of your style of dress. so are you worried what your current friends will do, or do you want to leave them completely and join a new group?

[The Big D]

You mention you're worried about being fat. This may or may not be a rational thing depending on whether or not you are, in objective reality, fat.

Do you know what your BMI is?

Once you know that number and what it means, you (and if you choose to share it, we) will know whether you need excercise advice or self esteem advice.

Don't worry about the bi thing. I don't think very many people, at least in the subset of people who regularly use the internet, care any more.

[improver]

Originally Posted by rei

you can dress how you want to dress. i know of groups who hang out where everyone dresses differently. yes there are some groups where you have to become part of the group or they all dress the same way, but that's not how it has to be.

i actually think you'd fit in with an emo group of people... based on what you've shared here... but i thought you were saying before you were worried about your current friends rejecting you because of your style of dress. so are you worried what your current friends will do, or do you want to leave them completely and join a new group?

so you're saying i'm emo...?
hehehe i dont mean any harm ..im just saying.. i dont wanna be emo but maybe if sound emo, oh well

[rei]

actually i'm not saying you are emo, only that - based on the limited exposure to your personality - you might fit in well with that group. you are free to reject my suggestion.

i also agree with The Big D about researching your BMI so you, and maybe we, will know whether you need weight loss advice or self esteem advice.

being bisexual is not a very big deal. i've been bisexual my whole life, and lately wonder if i'm more interested in a same-sex relationship. i don't think most people here would judge you for your sexuality. if anything it seems like it took some courage for you to be out here, so congrats on that.

[bluedragon]

Originally Posted by improver

Yes, the title states something that sounds very weird and crazy. But, I'm saying this for real, I really don't know how I look. I am a guy, 19 years old.

You almost got me there. It would have been interesting if you really didn't know how you looked. Imagine someone growing up and never looking into a mirror or a photograph of himself. Sorry for the off-topic but you started your post in that way

[rocksupreme]

I don't know how you look either. How about this: let's just agree that you are super-attractive. Since there's no objective measurement, whatever you decide to think will be arbitrary. You may as well arbitrarily decide to think you are attractive.

[Tristan Bull]

Hey man,

I think you are getting way too caught up in stereo types and belonging to a certain "group" or "style".

It probably sounds like lame advice but just be you.

STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Here is the big thing you need to understand, most people don't care.

Seriously!

You care about the way you look because it's YOU.

Most people are too busy worried about how they look, how their hair is, how their dress is etc. to even notice what's going on with you.

It sounds like you think that you need to be accepted.

What you really need to do is accept yourself and then like it.

Instead of focusing on all of the things you don't like focus on what you do like about yourself.

The thing about fasion is that is changes all the time.

Sometimes I wear a shirt and jeans, sometimes I suite up, sometimes I wear a tie, sometimes I wear a crazy hat and jacket.

It changes all the time, go to the shop and buy clothes that YOU like and that YOU want to wear and then you will develop a natural style.

Also look into imporoving your self esteem, your self confidence and your self worth.

Good luck

Tristan

[ginkgo]

That is a good question but you need to tell us how you look with around 1,000 words. There is saying: "a picture is worth a thousand words." People do this with Yahoo answers and people look at the picture and give them feed back.

[Beuford]

Well good luck but I don't think you need to fit in with a particular group to look attractive. Eating a healthy diet can help your appearance by giving you clearer skin free of acne and pimples. Exercising will make you more fit and I believe humans are naturally attracted to physical fitness. Dying your hair black and putting it half on your face and dressing in black won't make you more attractive, except maybe to a particular focused group of people. It's okay to try a style but people in general will be more impressed with clear skin and a healthy physical appearance than an emo look.

[ssandra]

Hi,

If you are unsure how you look, lets just decide that you look super good!!

About the dressing style. What you can do is go shopping with a close girl friend who can help you. Another thing is to go on a day when the shops are not busy and ask the people in the store to help you. They have all the experience and can point you to some nice outfits.

[improver]

Originally Posted by Tristan Bull

Hey man,

I think you are getting way too caught up in stereo types and belonging to a certain "group" or "style".

It probably sounds like lame advice but just be you.

STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Here is the big thing you need to understand, most people don't care.

Seriously!

You care about the way you look because it's YOU.

Most people are too busy worried about how they look, how their hair is, how their dress is etc. to even notice what's going on with you.

It sounds like you think that you need to be accepted.

What you really need to do is accept yourself and then like it.

Instead of focusing on all of the things you don't like focus on what you do like about yourself.

The thing about fasion is that is changes all the time.

Sometimes I wear a shirt and jeans, sometimes I suite up, sometimes I wear a tie, sometimes I wear a crazy hat and jacket.

It changes all the time, go to the shop and buy clothes that YOU like and that YOU want to wear and then you will develop a natural style.

Also look into imporoving your self esteem, your self confidence and your self worth.

Good luck

Tristan

Thank you ..I kinda wondered to myself about this..
If people really not analyze and judge others and not care...then that's great, I would start feeling less shy when talking to others, etc. Sometimes I just feel as if I'm the center of attention, I don't know why. Like in the classroom, when the teacher starts talking to me, I feel like EVERYONE has their eyes on me and judges me. I get scared and frightened. But if people really aren't even judging or caring, then that's great. Hope it's like that for real..But I kinda judge people, I don't know, maybe it's a very bad habit of mine. I want to change that too.

Have any tips on improving my self esteem, self confidence and self worth? I REALLY need to improve those.

This is kinda weird, but....I tend to be treated like a kid by some people, or most. People smile at me, or sometimes make fun of me, not in an insulting way, but they treat me like a little kid.. Is it my face, the way I act, or what? Should I take this as that people treat me in an insulting way? Like, teachers like to make fun of me, in a good way..they kinda act over-nice to me, for some reason, I don't know.

[FknTmo]

Some people say that looks aren't even genetic, they're culturally and socially determined and change over time.

Tyler of RealSocialDynamics often says something like this "Look at models over the past 100 years and look at how the ideals of beauty have changed."

Tyler's response here again would be something like "Probably, based on your post, you're pretty good looking and you just wish you could go all the way to model type looks. Its a lot easier for an ugly guy to accept that he just doesn't fit the ideal of model looks and to just live with the fact that his looks just don't matter."

I believe that you need to start doing things in your life that will make your respect yourself more as a person, and to see yourself as more of an adult. This begins with taking action towards whatever it is you want out of life.

I'm at a similar point, I'm 25 and worked in the career of software developer but am trying to wake up and find out more of what I personally want to do.

[FknTmo]

Also, I don't even deeply emotionally believe this, but I know it for a fact, logically...your looks, they just don't matter, as a man. More important, in all areas and endeavors in your life, is what's on the inside. Even in terms of attraction to women, you can get a great girl, or kazillions of girls, no matter your looks. Its more important how you talk, how you act, how the world makes you feel, your views of the world and people, your outlook, etc.

Looks only matter when someone is directly "measuring" your looks. e.g. it basically only matters if you want a career in modeling.

[toasterwater]

don't worry about looks at first... i mean... keep bathing and stuff... and don't intentionally try to look stupid or anything, but don't focus on them.

the whole self worth thing... your looking at it as too shallow of a concept. "how can i improve my self image?"

it doesn't work that way. you aren't going to chant a mantra, or bench press your way to a better self image.

just realize what your asking. "how do i improve the way i view myself?"

its simple. improve what you're viewing.

This site is a great resource for that. look around and try to decide how to make your life better.

spend some time and figure out what really matters to you and set some meaningful goals for yourself.

realize that your time here is limited, and the sooner you realize that you can and should do something with your life, the better off you will be.

as an example, if you decide that you want to be a musician (this is completely arbitrary... you may want to be a doctor, lawyer, philanthropist, father, beach bum, philosopher, or all of the above) as you focus on how to become a musician, you will naturally start improving yourself and learning new things. As this happens, you will become more attractive. you will suddenly have something to talk about (in this example, music), and theres a very good chance that what you have to say will innately be interesting.

stop thinking about what you look like, and as you improve your value as a human, you will notice that you actually are attractive.

[Lauxa]

Yeah, yeah, looks don't matter, agree and all that ... but ... if you really want to find out ... and you people to be brutally honest ... then go post your pic on hotornot.com

[blossom]

Hi.

I think nearly everyone has given you pretty sound advice here...I would especially absorb Tristan Bulls words, as it is very realistic...most people are too caught up in their own insecurities to worry about you or yours...and the more you focus on yours, the more they will not want to be around you since you will be unconsciously reminding them of their own from the energy you give out.

I used to have the same habit of always checking myself out in any mirror surface that was there...and they are EVERYWHERE. The thing that worked for me was to decide to challenge myself to NOT look! So whenever you pass one of these mirrored surfaces...stop yourself from turning and looking. Mentally will yourself not to look. It will strengthen your will and it will also cut off the Narcisisstic side of you...which is in all of us, don't worry.
I guarentee you will feel much better about yourself because you won't be so obsessed with how you look anymore...which is where you are placing the majority of your energy and attention on...it tends to lead to unhealthy self-obsession, which isn't attractive to anyone.
Maybe you can set your own rules for it, like, make it a 30 day NO mirror challenge, and once you get to the end of the first thirty days, allow yourself to look in the mirror for 5 minutes only...and find at least ONE thing about your face that YOU find interesting or attractive in it's own way. NO LOOKING FOR THE UGLY ZITS or any other imperfection...only notice something that you think is attractive about you. Then you can even back it up with spending a further ten minutes writing down at least 5 things that you like about yourself. It can be anything you want...
You have ALOT of good advice here on this thread, make good use of it!

[improver]

Originally Posted by blossom

Hi.

I think nearly everyone has given you pretty sound advice here...I would especially absorb Tristan Bulls words, as it is very realistic...most people are too caught up in their own insecurities to worry about you or yours...and the more you focus on yours, the more they will not want to be around you since you will be unconsciously reminding them of their own from the energy you give out.

I used to have the same habit of always checking myself out in any mirror surface that was there...and they are EVERYWHERE. The thing that worked for me was to decide to challenge myself to NOT look! So whenever you pass one of these mirrored surfaces...stop yourself from turning and looking. Mentally will yourself not to look. It will strengthen your will and it will also cut off the Narcisisstic side of you...which is in all of us, don't worry.
I guarentee you will feel much better about yourself because you won't be so obsessed with how you look anymore...which is where you are placing the majority of your energy and attention on...it tends to lead to unhealthy self-obsession, which isn't attractive to anyone.
Maybe you can set your own rules for it, like, make it a 30 day NO mirror challenge, and once you get to the end of the first thirty days, allow yourself to look in the mirror for 5 minutes only...and find at least ONE thing about your face that YOU find interesting or attractive in it's own way. NO LOOKING FOR THE UGLY ZITS or any other imperfection...only notice something that you think is attractive about you. Then you can even back it up with spending a further ten minutes writing down at least 5 things that you like about yourself. It can be anything you want...
You have ALOT of good advice here on this thread, make good use of it!

hey thanks, I might try that..even though it seems super hard to do it, I mean 30 days, hehe. I can't go one day without looking in the mirror. But, maybe I might feel more self confident in the end.

[blossom]

30 days is just my suggestion...YOU get to make the rules!

[whatinspiresu]

what you're saying really strikes a chord with me. at 19, i was looking in mirrors constantly too, worrying if I were attractive. I was thinking today actually, about how bad my self esteem really is, and I didn't even know it. I wondered how many things in my life were affected, what decisions would I have made with more insight? If I had known to work on my self esteem, would I be in the pathetic position that I am now? and so on...

I think its really important that you grab an audio online or from the library and work on confidence and self esteem.

Every time you look in the mirror, think or say something nice about yourself (DO IT!) if you catch yourself picking on your flaws, point out something awesome about you, even if its not physical, and the moment it makes you feel happy, walk away smiling. <-- im taking that advice myself... THANK YOU!

When you come up against emotional situations in your life, ask yourself the 10 year question (will this really matter to me in 10 years???)

and heck, if you like emo and wanna dress that way, your friends arent really friends if they dont like you anymore. be solid enough to let them tease you and think you still rock!

Your screen name here is a good sign! Wanting to improve yourself at a young age.... another good sign. Best of luck to you!!!

Trisha

[improver]

Originally Posted by Tristan Bull

Hey man,

I think you are getting way too caught up in stereo types and belonging to a certain "group" or "style".

It probably sounds like lame advice but just be you.

STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Here is the big thing you need to understand, most people don't care.

Seriously!

You care about the way you look because it's YOU.

Most people are too busy worried about how they look, how their hair is, how their dress is etc. to even notice what's going on with you.

It sounds like you think that you need to be accepted.

What you really need to do is accept yourself and then like it.

Instead of focusing on all of the things you don't like focus on what you do like about yourself.

The thing about fasion is that is changes all the time.

Sometimes I wear a shirt and jeans, sometimes I suite up, sometimes I wear a tie, sometimes I wear a crazy hat and jacket.

It changes all the time, go to the shop and buy clothes that YOU like and that YOU want to wear and then you will develop a natural style.

Also look into imporoving your self esteem, your self confidence and your self worth.

Good luck

Tristan

This actually made me wonder and helped me quite a bit. Thank you.
And all the other posts, I really appreciate it.


Maybe I am good-looking and I just don't know it, or maybe I don't look good..or maybe I do.. I don't know, I think the best is to take care of myself and try to be healthy and clean, right?

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by improver

Maybe I am good-looking and I just don't know it

How would you behave differently if you knew you were good-looking?

In my opinion, a 30/15/10-day () challenge blossom suggested could be a good idea!