I don't know how I look!

[improver]

Originally Posted by blossom

Hi.

I think nearly everyone has given you pretty sound advice here...I would especially absorb Tristan Bulls words, as it is very realistic...most people are too caught up in their own insecurities to worry about you or yours...and the more you focus on yours, the more they will not want to be around you since you will be unconsciously reminding them of their own from the energy you give out.

I used to have the same habit of always checking myself out in any mirror surface that was there...and they are EVERYWHERE. The thing that worked for me was to decide to challenge myself to NOT look! So whenever you pass one of these mirrored surfaces...stop yourself from turning and looking. Mentally will yourself not to look. It will strengthen your will and it will also cut off the Narcisisstic side of you...which is in all of us, don't worry.
I guarentee you will feel much better about yourself because you won't be so obsessed with how you look anymore...which is where you are placing the majority of your energy and attention on...it tends to lead to unhealthy self-obsession, which isn't attractive to anyone.
Maybe you can set your own rules for it, like, make it a 30 day NO mirror challenge, and once you get to the end of the first thirty days, allow yourself to look in the mirror for 5 minutes only...and find at least ONE thing about your face that YOU find interesting or attractive in it's own way. NO LOOKING FOR THE UGLY ZITS or any other imperfection...only notice something that you think is attractive about you. Then you can even back it up with spending a further ten minutes writing down at least 5 things that you like about yourself. It can be anything you want...
You have ALOT of good advice here on this thread, make good use of it!

I am doing the mirror challenge, thanks.
A question, does looking at pictures count? For example, seeing my own picture on facebook.
I assume a 10 day challenge works too, right?

Also, even if I realize that looks don't matter, people do not judge others by how they look, right? Like, does somebody look at someone and be like 'oh that person's ugly!' ? I know I don't.

[improver]

Mirror challenge mode in effect currently.

[celestialife]

Originally Posted by rei

you would like to not be so jittery when you speak to others. that probably comes from focusing more on yourself instead of the people you talk to, which can easily lead to feeling self-conscious.

i think you'd benefit from reading this blog post, and probably a lot of the other posts on this site: Focus Outward to Win Friends and Improve your People Skills

awesome blog article!

[rei]

Originally Posted by celestialife

awesome blog article!

glad you liked it. i didn't write it, so that was no shameless self-promo, but i do think the articles on that site are very good, they tackle a lot of different (common) things in an accessible way.

[Sanchenuss]

If you are 19 years old and you don't know if you are attractive or not then you are defintely not attractive. However there are other ways to attract people.

[improver]

Originally Posted by Sanchenuss

If you are 19 years old and you don't know if you are attractive or not then you are defintely not attractive. However there are other ways to attract people.

Such as?

By the way, how would I know if I'm attractive or not? Lol, I can't judge my own looks, plus, I am not arrogant of myself, or over-confident like.."I look so attractive!'
lol

[improver]

I am on day 2 of mirror challenge without looking at the mirror or seeing my reflection at all. It feels weird, right now, I don't know how I look, but at least I feel like I'm not worrying about how I look.. It's really working, I believe, thank you.
I will keep doing this mirror challenge. But, it's funny especially when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning, I try to not peek at the mirror which is right infront of the sink. So I keep my head bowed down to brush my teeth and wash my face, it's pretty funny. Also, I haven't combed my hair while looking at the mirror for 2 days, which I've never done before.

[rei]

if you really don't know, and really want to know, upload a closeup of your face as an avatar here and you can ask for honest feedback.

confidence is attractive. developing meaningful hobbies and sharing common interests is attractive. sense of humor. focusing on the strengths, solutions and positives instead of the weaknesses, problems, and negatives.

[Sanchenuss]

Originally Posted by improver

Such as?

By the way, how would I know if I'm attractive or not? Lol, I can't judge my own looks, plus, I am not arrogant of myself, or over-confident like.."I look so attractive!'
lol

you would know if you were attractive because girls would approach you constantly without you having to do anything. Physically attractive men just go outside and girls throw themselves at them.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Sanchenuss

Physically attractive men just go outside and girls throw themselves at them.

that might be true for 'drop-dead gorgeous' men, but not always true about generally 'just attractive' ones. on a ten point scale, a guy who rates as a 6 would be attractive, but not the toe-kissing level of attractiveness.

and then a guy who is a 6, with some confidence (not arrogance, which is false) and a couple other desirable qualities could get that same type of response from women as one who rates as a 9.

[Sanchenuss]

thats true. This guy would know if he was attractive at all if any women were validating him. It seems that he gets no validation though which means that he is more than likely not attractive. Im not trying to be an ******* or anything but it just seems like this is the case and he wants to know. It is slightly possible that he is oblivious to womens cues though

[rei]

i think it's more that he isn't validating himself to a satisfying level, so he's focused on whether others will validate him.

plain looking confident people have no trouble finding partners. also he has said before that he is shy, so maybe he doesn't spend enough time around people to find out whether they think he's attractive.

when really, what matters more is whether we think of ourselves as attractive. if we think, 'i'm attractive' then we transmit that signal. if we think, 'i'm ugly,' then we transmit that, and if we think, 'i'm unsure' then we transmit that.

[improver]

Originally Posted by rei

i think it's more that he isn't validating himself to a satisfying level, so he's focused on whether others will validate him.

plain looking confident people have no trouble finding partners. also he has said before that he is shy, so maybe he doesn't spend enough time around people to find out whether they think he's attractive.

when really, what matters more is whether we think of ourselves as attractive. if we think, 'i'm attractive' then we transmit that signal. if we think, 'i'm ugly,' then we transmit that, and if we think, 'i'm unsure' then we transmit that.

Thanks for all the great advice.
I'm 'unsure' ..

Hey I'm on day 3 of mirror test. I haven't seen myself in 3 days..

[improver]

Originally Posted by Sanchenuss

thats true. This guy would know if he was attractive at all if any women were validating him. It seems that he gets no validation though which means that he is more than likely not attractive. Im not trying to be an ******* or anything but it just seems like this is the case and he wants to know. It is slightly possible that he is oblivious to womens cues though

This kinda made me feel bad.. =/

[improver]

I haven't seen myself in nearly 4 days now. Not even a glance.

[improver]

Day 4 now, and no mirror or reflection. Not even to comb my hair.

[improver]

I'm not sure about this, but I may be curing my mirror obsession without knowing it, at least it might not be as bad as before.

[improver]

Almost day 6 without seeing myself in the mirror.

Any comments?

[Verschof]

I'm proud of you for undertaking this challenge, I hope that it will help you out with your self image and (seemingly) self esteem.

I don't have anything to add to the wonderful posts here, except to stay positive. Don't look at the negative side of things, look at the positive. If you don't like a certain part of your body, find something you do like and accentuate that. If it's something you can change, take steps to changing it.

Even if you are not extremely attractive physically, let your inner beauty show. I know that I for one put inner beauty WAY above outside attractiveness. Carry yourself like you are confident with your body, not like you are uncertain and don't think you are attractive. Be confident in yourself, let your inner beauty and personality shine through, and don't worry about your outside appearance quite as much.

[Plays With Life]

Congrats, improver.

I was thinking - just a thought - what about putting on those clothes you'd like to try, and going somewhere where nobody knows you? Just to get a feel for what it's like to be the person wearing those clothes. To check whether you like how it feels, or not.

[improver]

Day 7!!!

[improver]

IT'S DAY 10 NOW!!! I'm going to look at myself in the mirror today!!!

Any comments?

[Plays With Life]

Good luck.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by improver

IT'S DAY 10 NOW!!! I'm going to look at myself in the mirror today!!!

Any comments?

You are doing great!!!

How do you feel about yourself and your looks after this time? Have you been thinking about it as much as in the beginning of the post, or have you been able to focus on other stuff?

[improver]

Originally Posted by ssandra

You are doing great!!!

How do you feel about yourself and your looks after this time? Have you been thinking about it as much as in the beginning of the post, or have you been able to focus on other stuff?

Definitely focus on other stuff instead of obsessing over how I look now, this really worked! Except, I'm starting to look at the mirror again, but I'm not as obsessed anymore.

Thank you.

[ssandra]

You are more than welcome!

Remember, if you feel yourself obsessing again, you can always repeat the experiment!

[improver]

It's been a few months now, I haven't obsessed as much as before, but I occasionally look at the mirror. I always keep in mind though, that if you think you look good, then you do.

[Captain Drywall]

Speaking as an incredibly good looking man, i think looks are very important. To bad you didn't post a pic. I would be happy to tell you what you look like. Also, how to improve what nature gave you. I have coached many young men, some tips are simple as "lose the track shoes" Don't improve from the inside out, look good and then fix the rest. Fake it till you make it.

[dice]

I find myself in your exact situation, often. (although I'm 19, female, straighter)

its not very magical advice:
follow and stay close to the things that make your heart beat faster and your eyes open wider.
if you do something that you are dead-set-passionate about, the good-looking vibe will follow you around.

I've noticed that beauty/attractiveness is not really an 'object' that can be 'built' or 'fashioned' - Its a very particular flow of energy through your body. Some days/years you might not be able to recognize your 'self' in the mirror, when you're tired or depressed etc.

Tiredness/Depression is literally a blocked flow of energy - and each person 'unplugs it in their own particular way. (ie. I get manic depressive, hopeless, and quite pale-faced-sick-looking without dance/theatre/doodling. As soon as I start those up again, i drop 15lbs, there is bloodflow to my face,and my friends start calling for no reason again. Unplugged!)

for style, just do whatever you feel like doing. I have a friend who shaved triangles into his hair, just for fun. Personally I like to think hair is just hair, you know, im pretty laid back about it, and find people who are the same very attractive.

my motto is slowly becoming "whatever works". whatever makes sense. whatever gets the job done. (ie. if you work in the bush, it doesn't make sense to wear Fendi. )

let me know if that made sense!
You might need to tap in and do some soul-searching.

give yourself what you need first, then you might get what you thought you wanted. cool.