I don't know how I look!

[improver]

Originally Posted by Tanja

How would you behave differently if you knew you were good-looking?

In my opinion, a 30/15/10-day () challenge blossom suggested could be a good idea!

Can you please elaborate on the 30/15/10 day challenge blossom? I don't really understand what that means. Thanks.

[blossom]

What exactly do you need elaborated? If you read it again I'm sure you will find it pretty self-explainatory.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by blossom

Hi.

I think nearly everyone has given you pretty sound advice here...I would especially absorb Tristan Bulls words, as it is very realistic...most people are too caught up in their own insecurities to worry about you or yours...and the more you focus on yours, the more they will not want to be around you since you will be unconsciously reminding them of their own from the energy you give out.

I used to have the same habit of always checking myself out in any mirror surface that was there...and they are EVERYWHERE. The thing that worked for me was to decide to challenge myself to NOT look! So whenever you pass one of these mirrored surfaces...stop yourself from turning and looking.
Maybe you can set your own rules for it, like, make it a 30 day NO mirror challenge, and once you get to the end of the first thirty days, allow yourself to look in the mirror for 5 minutes only...and find at least ONE thing about your face that YOU find interesting or attractive in it's own way.

Originally Posted by improver

Can you please elaborate on the 30/15/10 day challenge blossom? I don't really understand what that means. Thanks.

This is what I meant. If not 30 days, make it at least 15 or 10 days.

[blossom]

Like I said...YOU can make the rules, so make it 10 days or 15, whatever you think is do-able.

[improver]

Okay, I'll try..but sometimes there are mirrors I can't avoid. Like the one in my bathroom and the one in my bedroom, the one where I workout, the one at school, etc.

How do I avoid those?

[ssandra]

Just don´t look at them.

I agree that in the morning when you get ready you have to check if your hair is ok.. that is normal.

But for the rest... cover the one in your bedroom with a sheet or towel. When you are in school and for example washing your hands, look at your hands, not the mirror.

When working out, focus on something else, not the mirror. make it a point to look at another person or machine instead of the mirror. If the mirror is unavoidable, don´t look at yourself in the mirror, but at other things.

I am confident you can do it. Even 1 day would be a victory already.

[improver]

Alright, I'll try.

What's the main point of this by the way? I know it's for a good cause..

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by improver

Alright, I'll try.

What's the main point of this by the way? I know it's for a good cause..

What do you think? Why would that be a good idea for you?

[improver]

Originally Posted by Tanja

What do you think? Why would that be a good idea for you?

Uhh..so i can look at myself in 15/20 days and know how I really look and who i am..or feel frightened (justkidding)

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by improver

Uhh..so i can look at myself in 15/20 days and know how I really look and who i am..or feel frightened (justkidding)

or to realise that it doesn´t matter how you think you look, so you can stop obsessing about it?

[improver]

Originally Posted by ssandra

or to realise that it doesn´t matter how you think you look, so you can stop obsessing about it?

Yeah, I guess.

[improver]

I told someone I lost some weight and she said "You look good." I appreciated the complement, but I feel as if she doesn't mean it (maybe she doesn't, maybe she does), I don't know why. It's a bad habit of mine I need to fix.

[rei]

do you compliment people when you don't really mean it?

do you feel like you don't really deserve any positive feedback?

i'm guessing it's probably one or the other, but you know better than any of us would.

[blossom]

Taking the focus off your external self will also give you more of an opportunity to focus your attention internally and also notice other people around you and other issues in the world that are more important than the way you look.
I agree with the others...cover the mirror if you have to.

[blossom]

Your friend who told you you looked good may have just said it because she could sense that you were wanting validation by telling her that you had...which you probably did, since it seems to be the central focus of your mind at this time. That doesn't mean she didn't mean it though.
Maybe working on accepting peoples compliments might help your self-esteem grow. Saying nice things about yourself would probably help with this as well.

[improver]

I am practicing guys, I'm trying. I want to thank you all so far, for helping me out in any way possible. I take your words seriously, and I try to apply them in daily life. I think I am having a slight improvement. But, I will continue trying. Please continue replying and giving me feedback. The more, the better, because I want to apply a lot of different things.

[improver]

i started mirror test but i accidentally looked ..on day 2!

[blossom]

It's not the end of the world if you do look...it's like a habit for you now...even smoker relapse and drug addicts...it's no big deal really...just start again tomorrow.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by improver

i started mirror test but i accidentally looked ..on day 2!

Which means that 1 day you didn´t look!!! Congratulations!!!

Now, next try... go for 1,5 days or longer!!

[blossom]

I felt like I needed to say also, it's important that you don't do too much improving at once...what I mean is, don't go replacing one obsessive habit (mirror addiction) with another (self-improvement/self-help.other peoples advice etc.)
We can help you out with suggestions, but you really need to start looking inside yourself for answers as well, you can't rely on outsiders to do all the work for you.
Learning to think for yourself is just as important as learning to reach out and ask for advice and help when you need it. Just don't get carried away with it is what I'm trying to say...for YOUR benefit mainly!

[brendannz]

Worrying too much about how you're appearing, is going to be detrimental, regardless of how attractive you are or aren't.

I think everybody is a little bit concerned with their apearance,

But, not worrying whether you're handsome or not, may make you X times more attractive..

[blossom]

That's true. And the same goes for dressing cool or acting cool. If you can get to the point in your mind, where you don't care about being cool or not...THAT's the essence of cool.

[improver]

Originally Posted by blossom

I felt like I needed to say also, it's important that you don't do too much improving at once...what I mean is, don't go replacing one obsessive habit (mirror addiction) with another (self-improvement/self-help.other peoples advice etc.)
We can help you out with suggestions, but you really need to start looking inside yourself for answers as well, you can't rely on outsiders to do all the work for you.
Learning to think for yourself is just as important as learning to reach out and ask for advice and help when you need it. Just don't get carried away with it is what I'm trying to say...for YOUR benefit mainly!

Are you saying that I must deal with one problem at a time?
And not ask for advice, but instead think for myself..but I think all these advice are making me feel better and start to realize.

[mgirl]

Hi improver, I'm the same age as you and have had self esteem issues since I was a child. Your mirror obsession is something which I am very familar with.
It's taken me a lot of time and effort to pull through all of that, and I mostly got past it because I have a illness which has epically rearranged my priorities in life and brought me down to earth a bit. I think your main issue is that you are not actually striving for self improvement (building on what you have), you seem to be striving to change yourself. I don't sense much acceptance of yourself on any level.

You say "If I had known that I look good ( as in attractive, ) and not fat, etc. I would've been able to socialize a lot better."
I don't think that is strictly true.
All throughout my life I thought 'if only I looked this way' everything would be better. To the point where I wanted to change the way I look in any way I could to change what was happening in my life and how people treated me. Thinking like that gets you into a spiral of self doubt where you end up analyzing every little thing about yourself and criticising it. You think people are judging you but you don't know that. It's your own perception of their feelings towards you, not what they're actually thinking and feeling.

Concentrating on how you feel instead how other people MAY be percieveing you is actually far more benefical. Ironically enough, I don't think it's possible to improve yourself on any level without first accepting how you are at the present.
What people find attractive is self assurance and confidence. If I know a guy is happy with his appearance, his 'style' (it is mostly irrelevent what that style is), he's positive and honest... it really, genuinely doesn't really matter to me what he looks like. Something that I find really offputting in people is when they try to adhere to trends and fads. Get to know yourself a little better. What do you actually want to wear? Buy clothes that you like seeing on yourself, chances are it'll look x1000 better than something you bought based on what you think other people think is cool.
Yes there are shallow people in this world, and it's particularly hard when you're young like us to not feel judged and rated by people, but if you can concentrate on what you like about yourself and project that outwardly to the world then you'll recieve positivity and acceptance by people in return. You're always going to meet people who don't like certain things about you, but who really gives a damn... are you going to let what you think other people think plague your life, so that you end up caught in a perpetual state of self deprecation?

It's a waste of life which could otherwise be spent being happy. I know that it's entirely your choice, you just need to help yourself a little to break out of the destructive thought patterns you've gotten used to.

[blossom]

No, I'm saying, as I wrote it, that it's ok to ask for advice, as long as you don't get too used to everyone doing all the thinking for you!

It's easy to get hooked on other peoples advice and not rely enough on your own inner wisdom...balance it is all I'm saying. You're young and still learning alot about where you are at in your life right now...it's important to become self-reliant as well as knowing you can ask others for advice.

Would you rather be the sort of person who always depends on whatever other people dictate to him, or do you want to be a person who can draw on your own wisdom from within, and know that you can work something out for yourself, if you are in a situation where there is noone to ask for help?

And yes, I am saying to deal with one probelem, or challenge as I like to put it, at a time. If you 'put all your eggs in one basket' and try to change everything at once without allowing yourself time to adapt to these changes, you will probably end up disappointed with the results, because, you had an unrealistic approach to change to start with.

Is this clearer?

[improver]

Originally Posted by blossom

No, I'm saying, as I wrote it, that it's ok to ask for advice, as long as you don't get too used to everyone doing all the thinking for you!

It's easy to get hooked on other peoples advice and not rely enough on your own inner wisdom...balance it is all I'm saying. You're young and still learning alot about where you are at in your life right now...it's important to become self-reliant as well as knowing you can ask others for advice.

Would you rather be the sort of person who always depends on whatever other people dictate to him, or do you want to be a person who can draw on your own wisdom from within, and know that you can work something out for yourself, if you are in a situation where there is noone to ask for help?

And yes, I am saying to deal with one probelem, or challenge as I like to put it, at a time. If you 'put all your eggs in one basket' and try to change everything at once without allowing yourself time to adapt to these changes, you will probably end up disappointed with the results, because, you had an unrealistic approach to change to start with.

Is this clearer?

yeah, it's clearer, thanks. But, I needed advice, because I was sick of feeling the same way every single day.. I want to change already, that's why.

[rei]

i definitely understand what you said improver.
i am curious, would you mind sharing with us the specific suggestions you were given that you have acted on? like, we know you did a day for the mirror challenge, and i'm not sure - did you say you have started it again? what other ideas from forum members have you been using in your life?

if you tell us which ones you have acted on, and which ones don't seem to do any good (once you try them out) then anyone else who responds may be able to give you ideas that will be more beneficial.

[improver]

Originally Posted by Tristan Bull

Hey man,

I think you are getting way too caught up in stereo types and belonging to a certain "group" or "style".

It probably sounds like lame advice but just be you.

STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Here is the big thing you need to understand, most people don't care.

Seriously!

You care about the way you look because it's YOU.

Most people are too busy worried about how they look, how their hair is, how their dress is etc. to even notice what's going on with you.

It sounds like you think that you need to be accepted.

What you really need to do is accept yourself and then like it.

Instead of focusing on all of the things you don't like focus on what you do like about yourself.

The thing about fasion is that is changes all the time.

Sometimes I wear a shirt and jeans, sometimes I suite up, sometimes I wear a tie, sometimes I wear a crazy hat and jacket.

It changes all the time, go to the shop and buy clothes that YOU like and that YOU want to wear and then you will develop a natural style.

Also look into imporoving your self esteem, your self confidence and your self worth.

Good luck

Tristan

To be honest, his post has been most effective. I always remember what he said and tried to not be scared of people anymore. It's working somewhat. I am also trying the mirror test, so far I've done it for one day, but on the second day I accidentally looked.

[Gazzali]

Originally Posted by improver

Yes, the title states something that sounds very weird and crazy. But, I'm saying this for real, I really don't know how I look. I am a guy, 19 years old. I want to find out if I'm ugly or good looking, or what. Or to make things clearer, I'm UNSURE of my physical image. I have an obsession with mirrors, and I look at almost anything that brings forth my reflection, such as car windows, building windows, reflections created in mirrors reflected by another mirror..yes, it's very weird. Help me please? Thanks.

Being unsure of my self-image has lead to lacking self-esteem, self-confidence, depression, etc. If I had known that I look good ( as in attractive, ) and not fat, etc. I would've been able to socialize a lot better. Honestly. I have also come out on this site ONLY, that I'm bi..please don't ignore me for that. Thanks. Also, if you have any, please give me some tips and ideas on finding my sense of style. I don't know what kind of style matches me. I always wear a t shirt and jeans or short pants, and it's boring/no style, which is what I think. I have black hair, kinda straight, a little long, etc. Thanks for your time, I really appreciate it.

Hi there

Nature has made you perfect. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Try the things you like which is acceptable to society.

[improver]

I refer back to this thread almost everyday, and read all of your posts, I thank you all so much, and am willing to hear more, anytime.

You have helped so much. I am trying to improve still.