I have the best son in the world.....

[Gordon]

Hello all,

I am posting this wee thread, just to find out other peoples experiencies with their children on their mental health.

We as a couple have been very fortunate with our son. He is two and a half and since he was born, has been a great sleeper, with the exception of the occassional illness. When we get him ready for bed in the evening one of us will take him at around 7:30 to bed with a milky drink and he gets read some stories...(some of which I don't need the book any more I could repeat it), lights go out at 7:45 and he doesn't complain. He snuggles in for a cuddle and within about 10-15 minutes he is asleep. And usually sleeps right through to 7:00 am the next morning.

We made a decision last year to send him to a private nursery....(which although expensive...is incredibly great value for money.) I do appreicate that not all people can afford to do what we do. Since we made the decision, his speech, communication, confidence and overall development has come on leaps and bounds. He is loved and adored by his rather sexy nursery nurse....he calls her Susan (not her real name), the beautiful lady...(he may of course picked that statement from me....ahem.

I am very fortunate that I (the daddy) can drop him off and pick him from nursery. There is nothing better than better that him running and shouting towards me and I pick him up in my arms and get lots of kisses and hugs.

We are told by the nursery this is very unusual, because most dads just pick there kids up and load them in the car. (We live very close to the nursery so I take him along on his bike....wee blue helmet....and he blows kisses to everyone he sees and shouts hello to passersby...and goodbye at the top of his voice when leaving the nursery.

He never throws tantrums when we go shopping. Will always hold my hand on the street and won't go down the stairs without one of us holding his hand to take him down.

Before he born, we were warned about other peoples experiances and were dreading the prospect of losing sleep, tantrums and nerves being shattered as demands are shouted out. He is a confident, wonderful wee boy, who is loved tremendously by me and his mother.

I know other people have not had the experiance we have been fortunate as we have had. It would be intereresting to hear others adventures with their kids? What was good, what was bad. As all we seemed to hear about what was bad. How did it effect them, mentally and physically?

Gordon

[C33]

Dear Gordon,

I won t be much help since I have no kids.

The reason why this is something that I do not particularly think is for me, is that I am " dreading the prospect of losing sleep, tantrums and nerves being shattered as demands are shouted out." as you put it. I am also surrounded by parents who have little brats for kids.
They treat their children as kings and queens and in return get no respect, screaming children that are never satisfied nor contented, and who think that everything must be given to them for the asking. One of my friend's daughter had a mini-pre-chrismas nervous breakdown because she just couldn t wait for Christmas and her presents, she went to bed and refused to eat dinner, so sad that it was not Christmas yet. Those are things that puzzle me and that I do not comprehend.

I was wondering: did you use I.M before your child was born? Did you put out in the world a clear intention that you wanted a child that had all the qualities you described. Also, did you ready yourself in a certain way to be parents?

This is a very inspiring and lovely story.

[Matthew Shea]

C33,

In my experience, many parents lack the unconditional love for their kids that they should have. I also think selfishness is the major barrier to them being able to express that love. In cases like this, the kids will see right through the parents motivations. This develops into a lack of respect which inevitably turns into a discipline problem. Let me explain further...

Many people have a deep-seeded fear that their lives will be ruined when they have kids. To avoid this, they make as few changes to their lifestyle as possible and make the kids conform to their wishes, putting the parents "needs" above the kids'. The kids basically become a ball and chain that hampers them from achieving their "goals." As I said above, the kids will see right through this. They'll know that their parents' primary motivation for the ways they interact with the kids is a selfish one whether the kids consciously realize it or not. The kids then lose respect for the parents and will start to disobey them.

Having said this, no one is perfect and every kid has his or her quirks. Mine isn't the best sleeper, but we're working on that. He seems to have some deep fear of sleeping for some reason that my wife and I haven't quite put our finger on yet. It causes him to get cranky sometimes when he gets overtired. That's the exception, though, and it's getting better gradually. Normally, he's the happiest, smiliest, friendliest most wonderful kid you'll ever meet. He's at the front of the curve in terms of his physical development and right on track for the mental things. When I get home every night, he comes running over to see me and wants me to immediately pick him up and give him a kiss. I love him like I never thought possible and can't imagine life without him. Sadly, I doubt everyone feels this way and that such a lack of love is at the root of a LOT of problems in our society. In my opinion, the way to avoid this problem is to do some soul searching before you start trying to have kids and figure out if you're truly ready and what your motivations are. If any of what you come up with will get in the way of your loving the kids unconditionally, stop right there and keep your clothes on.

Finally, to Gordon, you're definitely doing something right. Keep it up! That mutual love and respect you have is absolutely priceless. I truly believe it can be the foundation for a lifetime of good memories together. I feel very fortunate that both my wife's and my parents put our own needs well before their own. In comparison to some of my peers' experiences, the effects of that love shone through brightly and I had a much easier time than a lot of them.

[Matthew Shea]

I should add, in response to C33's statement about parents treating their children like royalty, that it seems to me that parents like this are trying to make up for something else that's missing in their lives (see my post above). Again, the kids see right through that. They know the parents are trying to buy their love and again will lose respect, leading to the same problems. Eventually, the kids come to expect the material possessions and will get very rebellious if their expectations aren't met. I think this also leads to the kids treating others as a means to an end, rather than as another human.

[C33]

Dear Gordon and Matthew,

Your description of fatherhood and parenting are very uplifting. It is wonderful to imagine children smiling and being well cared for, and to have such images coming up to mind when reading what you both wrote.

Matthew,

Your comment was very helpful. I have always thought that children were more intuitive and less naive than most people thought they were. It is my personal opinion that they operate on a different plane of consciousness, and have psychic abilities that most of us lose as adulthood and social conditioning kicks in. Therefore, yes, it makes sense that they would feel what are their parents true motivations.

Enjoy your precious children and thanks for sharing the joy.

[Matthew Shea]

While I think it's far from a given that all of us are gifted with psychic abilities*, I completely agree that children are not nearly as naive as most of us assume and are deserving of all the respect we feel is due to ourselves. I also completely agree that they do a better job of listening to their intuition. It seems to me they would have less junk clouding their thought patterns and causing doubt. I have to believe, though, that the thought patterns of which I speak are entirely subconscious. In other words, a kid may never consciously think "My parents are only trying to buy my love with this gift." It's more of a subconscious realization that there's something not completely genuine about it.

So anyway, my experience has been that, done right, fatherhood is the best thing that can happen to you. It will grow you in ways you never expected and allow you to feel love that you could never have previously imagined. Even during the frustration of 2 am wakings, with all the associated crying and difficulty getting him back to sleep, he's still such an awesome creation and such a blessing that I can't help but be grateful for his presence in my life. What really makes it special, though, is seeing him smile and laugh. Seeing a baby laugh is one of the coolest feelings in the world, especially when you did it without even tickling him.

* For the record, I believe some people are certainly gifted with such abilities, but that we are all unique in our abilities and talents and it's not necessarily a given that everyone can do anything. The challenge in life is using our unique abilities to their best potential.

[TheColonel]

Great thread. I've got a 2 year old boy, too (and a 12 year old).

My son is very smart, funny and talkative. He says things like "you're not understanding me" and "I might let you play with this toy tomorrow." He also has a basketball goal that's about 4' high. He can sink 10+ shots in a row from 8 feet back, and he can actually dribble the ball. It's amazing to watch.

But he has a horrible temper. He hits constantly and has now started biting. But just his mother, sister and me. At school he is an angel.

We're at our wit's end trying to figure out how to manage him. We have tried every form of non-violent punishment or behavioral conditioning we could find - some for weeks on end. Some work for a while, and some don't work at all.

I'm starting to consider other options. I have always provided a clear set of parameters for his behavior...he knows when he's crossing the line, but he can barely control himself. It's almost like hormones are raging inside his little body.

When I hear people talk or complain about how people "let their kids run wild," I think to myself that they're making uninformed judgements.

We went out to eat last night with my entire family, and my boy had several meltdowns. Each time, I removed him from the main restaurant area to administer Time Out. You can just sense people around you losing patience. As if they were thinking, "By God, if that were my child, I'd be doing it differently."

Yeah, right.

My point is - I'm happy you have a well-behaved, loving son. You are truly blessed.

My son come screaming out the womb, and after we had his horns removed, he still had the devil in him. But I feel blessed, too.

[Gordon]

Thanks for all the replies, I hope this one continues for a wee while.

I posted it because I realise that no everyone has had the same experiences as we have had. Some have had to face some dramatic challenges.

C33, I probably had the same views as you before we had our son, as both my partner and I were in our late 30's when we became parents. We had our trendly lifestyle, 2 or 3 foriegn holidays a year, cars, money in the bank, weekends aways.....no notion of having kids whatsoever. One of the things that I can say with all honesty about having my son, is that I got a sense of being complete. So it didn't feel like any lose of anything in our life. We feel closer as a family and stronger too.

Matthew, that's great too, I am pleased that you got the support you needed from your respective families. We didn't but I guess we were lucky with our son. We have the families from hell....(I'll keep that for another thread).

Colonel, your is the reason I posted this. I can see how some kids can be a real handful and absolutely you love your wee boy like no other father could possibly, even if he does push you to the limit. And he is still and will always be your son....nothing will change that. And you will always be a great dad to your son. It is the parents who do ignore their wild child behaviour and don't deal with it, then they are failing their children. But I suppose it's easy for me to say it. For some parents the pressure must be intense, maybe even more than most could bear.

Matthew and Colonel...thanks for your experiances.....C33, I hope you get to experiance fatherhood someday....I am sure you will make a great dad

Do others have different experiances from myself, Matthew, and the Colonel. Hopefully this thread will just be a thread that allows some parents to let of a little steam if necessary. And I suppose the point is we don't all have the answers, but we do need a place to be a little real and honest and realise we all have different parenting experiences.

G (Daddy)

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by Gordon

Matthew, that's great too, I am pleased that you got the support you needed from your respective families. We didn't but I guess we were lucky with our son. We have the families from hell....(I'll keep that for another thread).

To successfully overcome that requires a lot of strength and a very strong marriage. I congratulate you on your efforts and apparent success so far. I also wish you the utmost in tact and success dealing with your respective families.

[Vincent Chung]

I got all three of these at my library.

Amazon.com: The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer: Books: Harvey Karp

Amazon.com: The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD: DVD: Harvey Dr. Karp

Amazon.com: The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old: Books: Harvey Md Karp,Paula Spencer

Originally Posted by TheColonel

Great thread. I've got a 2 year old boy, too (and a 12 year old).

...But he has a horrible temper. He hits constantly and has now started biting. But just his mother, sister and me. At school he is an angel.

We're at our wit's end trying to figure out how to manage him. We have tried every form of non-violent punishment or behavioral conditioning we could find - some for weeks on end. Some work for a while, and some don't work at all.

I'm starting to consider other options. ....

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

My gorgeous daughter and i understand each other well now. She's 14 and the most incredible 14 yo girl I've met (no not biassed at all!). She was intense as a baby, very sharp and never missed a trick, but wouldn't smile or gurgle happily like other babies.

She and I had power struggles over toilet training, biting, all sorts of things pre-school. I learnt the dog-training method worked best. Ignore the bad behaviour, make sure there is NO pay-off AT ALL, and find all sorts of good behaviour to praise and give attention for.

That worked in the end. If the child bites, ignore them entirely (but not pointedly, that's attention in itself) and make a huge fuss over the bitee, ice, hugs etc.

Kids, more than anything want your attention. If they can't get good attention they'll go for bad attention. All kids are different, but this worked for me, even when my daughter was in high school and wasn't doing her homework. The trick is to (my imagery) get in front and lead, rather than chasing them and trying to head them off at the pass.

In the end they'll grow up anyway!!

joy to you
Hazel

[Lauxa]

Hi Gordon,

If you really want an insight into what other people's kids are like, you should check out the blogging world. Sometimes kids are good, sometimes bad, and all parents face some of the same challenges and joys. As a stay-at-home mom sometimes just knowing others were going through some of the same struggles helped me keep my sanity.

Here's a couple you might like:
Finslippy (because she's hilarious)
Morphing into Mama (because she's usually positive)
Looky, Daddy! (because it's from a dad's perspective)

Each kid is different. My first (3 yo) is tempetuous (laughs very easily but also quick to tantrums), hard to get to bed at nights (and can sleep through the apocolypse), talked a little late, and is quite athletic, artistic, and outgoing. My second (11 mo) can be clingy, but is generally more peaceful (laughs less, crys less) and easier to get to sleep (and wakes up at the drop of a pin).