Come play the lifestyle game!!
Hi. Do you like fun?
Create a lifestyle/diet for people to follow. It can be silly, it can be serious, it can be dangerous to your health, it can consist mainly of food only available every Gloxnor on the planet Kizxborz, you can post your own personal lifestyle, anything you want :)
If you want to critique or comment on another persons diet, even just to post an LOL, please take the time to post your own diet (below any LOLS) and enjoy the creative fun :)
The health conscious hedonist method.
Put any food you find good tasting into your mouth. Savor it, chew it, masticate all day, but do not swallow any food that is unhealthy. Carry a slice of pizza, a stick of gum, a cheese burger with you at all times. Spit it out once you have finished savoring the bite and chomp down on the next savory morsel. If you accidentally swallow food while calibrating to your new spitting lifestyle, explore the benefits and negatives of vomiting in moderation. If you desire a full stomach, explore the many ways to fill this without getting fat, you can eat a lot of fiber, eat a lot of ice, or distract yourself with sex. Never forget, you love to poop, adding more fiber will bring you more pleasure into your life. Consider carrying a pouch or bag to spit food into, this can be smelled or even rechewed if you get bored.
Exercise: Anything you enjoy. Find creative ways to make your hedonistic life more enjoyable through exercise. If your only exercise is sex, you must find a way to increase your expenditure with your partner or partners or whatever you happen to be humping, consider wrestling, throwing, and cavorting excessively, and of course HAVE MORE SEX! Consider other fun activities you have yet to try. And NEVER FORGET, EXERCISE = ENDORPHINS = PLEASURE.
The Venn Diagram method.
Understand the nutritive/caloric properties of food you eat. Use this knowledge to tell yourself rationally which foods should not be eaten, which should be eaten in moderation, and which should be eaten liberally. Understand the health consquences of eating too much pizza, cheeseburgers, red meat etc.
Find out which foods you like, which foods are healthy, and foods you have yet to try which are healthy, draw up a Venn Diagram. Eat the intersecting area. Continue to tweak your eating habits as your personal tastes and health needs progress.
Exercise: Find out the types of exercise you like. Find out how much exercise you require to meet your goal. Find exercises you are curious about (many people would love gardening if they tried it etc.) Draw a Venn Diagram and do the exercises you like. When you notice you have not been exercising you have failed at doing things you enjoy. Making things routine will help a lot and lift your mood, you get free endorphins everyday (high on life?), you are getting in progressively better shape, and you are having fun.
The Twin Peaks Method
Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Two cups of good, hot, black, coffee.
Develop a taste for low calorie drinks, and make them hot, this will limit the amount you can consume at one time. Learning to savor foods, establishing the habit of drinking hot beverages slowly, will transfer to how quickly you eat your food. Consider having days where you only drink good, hot, black, coffee. Buy exotic coffees, play with the flavors, make your own brews, try the super expensive excrement coffee from Indonesia! (Ps. Its delicious)
Take a powerful long lasting hallucinogenic substance each day. With your hallucinating caffinated brain congure up daemons, monsters, and humans to battle against. Fight your enemies with your new found powers or run from them with your new found ability for super speed! Cowering in fear burns 100 calories per hour if you tremble enough, as well, peeing your pants will have you sprinting back home for a fresh pair. If you are arrested for fighting a snowman, chasing invisible monsters, or offending the pope, take this time to inform the police that you never intended to hurt president Nixon, it was the sock puppets fault afterall, besides the 8 headed hipogirafasaurus said it was a good idea, and he was the one who told you about the leprechaun invasion in the first place! During your impending questioning by the police, take time to struggle violently, scream, and tremble as much as possible. Don't forget, they are really blueberry chimps from the center of the moon anyways, and aliens don't have feelings.
The couch potato method.
Eat a diet of nothing but junk food. Potatochips, dip, cheese puffies, snackerdoodles, deep fried pizza and lots of soda pop. Make no effort to eat anything remotely healthy.
Exercise as little as possible. Attempt to move as little as possible, considering peeing in a bucket or moving in with a very supportive person. Yell BAFFROOM! and be delivered a bucket. Also have your food delivered as often as possible. If cooking is required, use a microwave, and sit in a chair while doing it. Buy a motorized chair for movement.
Within 1-3 weeks you will start to feel very very ill. Make a mental note of how this feels and consider changing your lifestyle. Take anti-fasts, eating only junk and not moving, as necessary throughout the lifestyle change to remember how awful you feel when you live this way. Make a mental note of how much weight you gained and how horrible you felt eating certain foods and sitting too much. This will give you an accurate benchmark to feel when you reach for your next bag of cheesy poofs, powdered donut pancake surprise., or Luther Burger
The Grumpy Old Man Method
Deep down inside is there a grumpy old man trying to get out? Do you feel a compulsion to think about the good old days? Do you like prunes? Try the old man lifestyle!
When going out to eat, make sure to have your food returned after ordering. Make up a complaint and savor the feelings of selfworth you generate by not tolerating that overly salty soup, underly cooked oatmeal, or salad that just looks funny.
This valuable method has served old people for millenia, waiting the extra 15 minutes for your perfectly made food will curb your appetite and keep you slim. The food brought back to you may have new unappealing traits, likely spit, as well as undersalting, undercooking, and the that salad still looks kinda funny. Take this chance to complain about the new food, ask for the manager, or tell they waiter about how waiting was done in your day. Waiting that extra 30 minutes for your soup will still have you home in time for the wheel, and you'll be doing an invaluable service.
Complaining will burn 50 calories per minute, 75 if you shake your fist violently or shake your head back and forth with disapproval. Remember, young people are spoiled, and you are doing them an invaluable service by teaching them how to correctly make your meals! Feel good about the help you are giving others, one day when you are dead they will think about you and say "that old man was alright".
If you have an overwhelming desire to complain, make sure to couple it into all areas of your life. How is the weather today? Do the kids come awfully close to your lawn? How were things in the good old days? Complaining is excellent exercise, by flexing your diaphram and vocal cords you expend calories with each complaint uttered, and you teach others valuable lessons about how the world should be.
Do you like Shuffleboard? You're in luck! You can meet other grumpy old shuffleboard players at any local senior center! There you can calibrate your complaining abilities to new levels! Combining the exercise of shuffleboarding with the caloric expense of constant complaining will no doubt turn even the flabbiest of grumpy old men into a fit virile grumpy old man. Take pride in complaining about how flabby your grumpy old friends are, suggest they listen to your valuable advice, and complain when they don't.
Learn to love prunes. Prunes can turn even the most kindhearted old man into a grump in mere days! The old wrinkled exteriors of Prunes are packed with phytogrumples, anti-anti-aging neurowrinkles, and fiber! Prunes will give you a valuable food to suggest to others, and also plenty of prune related side-effects to complain about! "You kids should eat more prunes. In my day we all ate prunes, we ate them when the seasons were changing, back then we had morals and didn't swear so much, you kids.." You can use prunes as a great jumping point for more complaining!
I'm tired of writing these diets for you unappreciative internet viewers. In my day we didn't have the internet, and people would walk 5 miles in the snow just to hear me talk about them! You don't call enough either. Or eat enough prunes for that matter. In my day everyone ate prunes. We called them grapes, Hitler had stolen the word prunes from us, back in my day people weren't so fat, probably from all the prunes, what was I talking about? Get off my lawn.
Hey, can't have you playing alone. :)
The Dead Broke Method
Begin by getting rid of more or less all your money, only keep enough for rent. Now only buy cheap vegetables and fruit, or go dumpster diving for food that the supermarkets have thrown out. Cook all your food yourself, eating out is expensive. Even better, just eat the food raw, electricity and gas for cooking is expensive to.
You'll get lots of exercise. With no money you won't be able to afford running and maintaining a car, so you will have to walk everywhere. Only take the bus when going far, as that costs money too. Once you've reached your target weight, begin earning some money again...as it's actually not very fun being dead broke. :D
This is a tried and tested method (by me) and actually works. :)
The Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde method,
5am: Get up early and relax, make a nice healthy breakfest and enjoy a cup of tea. Grab your lunch (made the night before, of course), and head off to work. Enjoy fruits, salad, yogurt and nuts throughout the day and head back home in the evening
6pm: Upon arriving home, turn off all consciousness and raid the cabinets, looking for something to give you a nice jolt of energy. Cookies, cheese, crackers ... keep looking and keep eating until you feel physically uncomfortable. Fade to black.
8pm: Wake up on the kitchen floor in a pile of (now) crushed saltines, and reflect on the 20 minutes of madness that completely counterbalanced all the well-planned, healthy eating that had taken place during the day. Vow that tomorrow will be different.
Repeat ad infititum.
seanner689: Hey, that's the diet I'm on right now. Except I tend to have a bit slower turnaround, so I might do a whole day of Dr Jekyll, and then a whole dark weekend of Mr Hyde. Then back to Dr Jekyll. It's so much fun. :)
The Unexpected Lifestyle
Here's one, emphasis on lifestyle.
Unless you're the POTUS, you can probably do this for a couple of weeks before irreversible long-term consequences may arise:
#1 U.L. RULE: Do not do anything "expected" of you.
Forget work, of course.
Don't return phone calls or emails. When you run into someone who wants to know why you didn't return their phone call or email, don't apologize sheepishly (which is what they're expecting you to do, right?) -- just look at them and smile and tell them you "just didn't feel like it."
If you're ditching work, go ahead and call and cheerfully announce you won't be in for a couple of weeks. If your boss wants to know what the hell is going on, just shrug and say, "I don't know, it's crazy though, isn't it? Well, see you later."
If you're an anti-social zealot who screens every phone call and goes out once a year against your will, go out every single night of the week and do nothing but chat with friends and family from dawn until dusk.
If you're the Parent of the Year? Oh boy, the possibilities are endless, and so much fun. Let your kids get up for school whenever the hell they feel like it (if they feel like it). If the school calls to complain, just say, "Uh huh, uh huh. Yes, they are late a lot these days, huh?" Forget nagging them about their homework, or bedtime. When they come whining for dinner, hand them a bag of cheetos.
If you're a college student, cut class -- unless that's what people (including yourself) expect you to do, of course -- and couchsurf your way to Mexico.
If you're normally the life of the party, go to a gathering and say absolutely NOTHING. If you're shy and retiring, show up somewhere in a pimpin outfit and flirt with everyone -- man or woman -- present.
If you're an early riser, stay up all night.
If you surf the net all day, don't go anywhere near your computer.
If you never curse, swear like a trucker every chance you get.
If you're normally a lazy, unfocused SOB....do nothing but work. Work your ass off. Stop only to **** & shower once a day. Ignore your significant other, don't take calls from your mother, don't so much as glance at the paper or the news, don't open any non-work-related emails, don't even make eye contact with anyone unrelated to your work. Do nothing but work from the moment you open your eyes till you lay your head down to sleep.
If you live and breathe spreadsheets, pick up some paint and surprise your wife with an afternoon body painting session.
If you're an incurable skeptic, head to your local astrologer and vow to take everything she has to say as the gospel truth.
Kids are grown, spouse is history, and you haven't had a date in years? Hire a gorgeous, top-of-the-line escort and have an incredible night on the town. If you can time this to coincide with the family holiday party, much the better. (Don't spend all night there, though; just pop in and make a brief appearance. When they ask you how you met Tony, just smile, raise an eyebrow, and change the subject.)
And here's the diet part: If you worry about everything you put in your mouth....don't. And if you never, ever diet? Go raw, of course!
If your friends and family attempt an intervention, you'll know you succeeded in grandly pulling off the Unexpected Lifestyle. Congratulations.
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