Confidence without alcohol?

[Tina McLeman]

After reading many of the recent threads about giving up alcohol, it got me thinking about my own relationship with alcohol.

Granted, I do not drink that much (maybe once every few weeks) but that is mainly because I don't go out to pubs and clubs as much as I used to. When I do go out though, it is to get drunk.

I am British, and much of the British culture these days revolves around drinking. Not drinking is somewhat unheard of. I have always disagreed with this mindset, but as yet have done nothing to remove myself from it.

I was a student in Scotland, and alcohol is pushed at you from all angles. In Scotland - if you're a student you're expected to drink. I studied geology as well, and geologists have a terrible reputation for liking a good drink. One of my lecturers was a confirmed alcoholic, and the rest were never out of the pub. Field trips were as much about drinking, as they were about studying rocks! It was the same when I started work in London as a geologist, most lunchtimes we'd all head to the pub for a drink. Or go out after work for drinks. Once a month we'd buy some wine and beer and take the afternoon off work for a drink (company tradition). It was always drink, drink, drink....

After thinking about the reasons I drink, I realised that drinking because I enjoy it did not rank highly on my list. What did rank highly was drinking because it's what's expected of me. And drinking because I am more confident when I'm drunk.

Even though I've known for a while that I'm more confident and social when I'm drinking, actually sitting down and thinking about it scared me. I have always had issues with my self-esteem and confidence. When I am sober, I am scared to be around people because I fear they will hate me. I get very tense and nervous to the point where I make excuses not to go out. It can be quite debilitating. But if I'm drinking, I'm a different person. I am lively and more "out-there" and fun.

I like that person. I like feeling more confident and I like not caring what people think of me. It's very very freeing.

I want to be that person when I am sober. Whenever I try to be like this when I'm sober, it scares the life out of me. I think "what am I doing, I am going to make an idiot out of myself and people will think I am fake"!.

How can I comfortably become this person whilst sober?

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by Tina McLeman

After thinking about the reasons I drink, I realised that drinking because I enjoy it did not rank highly on my list. What did rank highly was drinking because it's what's expected of me. And drinking because I am more confident when I'm drunk.

Kudos to you for discovering what your motivation for drinking is. That takes alot of courage to do.

Originally Posted by Tina McLeman

I have always had issues with my self-esteem and confidence. When I am sober, I am scared to be around people because I fear they will hate me. I get very tense and nervous to the point where I make excuses not to go out.

To me this sums up the problem and gives you the clue to the answer. You've shown great courage to find your motivation for drinking. Now can you do the same and discover where the problems of self-esteem and confidence comes from?


For myself I was largely in the same boat you were in. I didn't drink but I did play video games as often as I could and even when I couldn't afford to. I did it because of a lack of self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Because when I played the game no one had to know the real me. And that was what it boiled down to. I was afraid that if people knew the real me that they would hate me or reject me.

I have aspergers. I can freely admit this today to anyone, including total strangers, because I've come to understand it and accept it. I had a lack of confidence because of aspergers. Growing up I often heard "Good job, BUT". I internally turned this into being a failure. Then as I grew up I stopped trying, which incidentally, reinforced that failure mindset. Because I accepted myself as a failure I had to build up masks to display to other people. And through that I lost all confidence in myself because I knew 100% that I was being fake with people. Worse was the fact that I doubted myself so badly that I actually built in a half a second delay from what I thought to what I spoke or did. This may sound good but it hurt me badly. I was a horrible dancer because I had to know 3-4 steps ahead what I was doing and even then I'd miss it because I lacked the confidence to just do it and not have to think about it. When speaking it became so bad that I had to think before I spoke which meant I couldn't listen. I had to spend that time that you were talking thinking about what I was going to say next.

Fortunately I was blessed with an opportunity to go to a focus seminar. Through it I was able to reallize that the unconfident me was not the real me. I was able to discard that half a second delay through an act of God (in my opinion). I say act of God because I didn't even realize it was there in place until I had gotten rid of it. It was rather like a miraculous click where something changed without me even knowing about it. It was after that that I was able to pinpoint what it was. If I had to sum up my experiences at focus I would say that it helped me find the real me. The true me.

I've been learning alot since then and one thing I've come to realize is that my self worth lies solely in myself. I then choose to give my self worth to God. What I mean by that is I know that no matter what I do, say, or think I am exactly who God created me to be. I no longer have to worry about mistakes or failure because they don't define me. The only one who has defined me is God and he's made me wonderfully.


Regardless of whether you believe in God or not think about where your self worth comes from. Who or what defines it? Is it what other people think of you? Is it your successes and failures? Is it the ammount of material possessions that you hold?

Now ask yourself the most important question. Why? Why is it that external things or people hold your self worth? Why are you giving your power as a human being to someone else? Or to things?

Originally Posted by Tina McLeman

I want to be that person when I am sober. Whenever I try to be like this when I'm sober, it scares the life out of me. I think "what am I doing, I am going to make an idiot out of myself and people will think I am fake"!.

How can I comfortably become this person whilst sober?

First find this person inside of you and then become this person. I'd recommend finding a way to tie your self worth into something absolute. For me this is God (the christian God). He defines my self worth and I know that there is absolutely nothing in this world or in the next that can take away the fact that I am a 10. This includes myself. Think of it as a 10$ bill. The government stamps that bill. No matter how battered, beaten, crumpled, or dirty it gets nothing can take away that value as a 10$ bill. To me its the same thing with God. No matter what I do or what happens to me in life I will always be a 10 with God as my backing.

If God isn't your forte then find out how you can be comfortable with yourself first. Then when you can love and accept yourself 100% you can be the real you around others.


Good luck in your journey.

[The Cloud]

Learn from your experience! What is it about being drunk that makes you more confident? If you can do that when you're drunk, then with practice you can sure as heck do it whilst sober.

My guess is that you over-think things when you're sober. There are a lot of psychology studies that show that people often perform better on less information, which is completely against the usual idea that more informed is always better. This is because they begin thinking about unimportant information if they have too much. So how do you stop thinking too much? Certainly not by thinking about not thinking! Well, you've figured things out so far, so I'm confident that you can find the answer.

[kthdsn]

I had a similar experience to you. I used to drink occasionally, when I went out with friends, and I did it because everyone else was and because I enjoyed the confidence it seemed to give me.

I gave up drinking because I also didn't really feel comfortable with having to drink alcohol to become that person. To start with, I avoided going to pubs altogether because I didn't want to be the only one not drinking. I missed out on a few social occasions because of this, and decided it wasn't for me.

I started out by going to the pub for a meal with my closest friends who knew I didn't want to drink. Oddly enough, it was fine. I then joined them on another occasion when they were going drinking, and I drank water. I had fun and enjoyed socialising. I tried going to a house party with some close friends and also some people I didn't know. I drank tea. I had a great time and didn't miss not drinking at all.

I now feel perfectly comfortable going out without drinking, and my confidence is increasing each time. I realise now that alcohol wasn't giving me confidence, it was taking it away from me.

Try not drinking, see how it makes you feel. You may find out the same thing I did.

[Tina McLeman]

Originally Posted by Remiel

Regardless of whether you believe in God or not think about where your self worth comes from. Who or what defines it? Is it what other people think of you? Is it your successes and failures? Is it the ammount of material possessions that you hold?

Now ask yourself the most important question. Why? Why is it that external things or people hold your self worth? Why are you giving your power as a human being to someone else? Or to things?

Where does my self-worth come from? To tell the truth, my current way of thinking dictates that my self-worth is increased when I know I am accepted by others (friends, family, employers etc...). Not being liked or accepted makes me feel worthless. I know how I should feel though. I know that my self-worth should not be defined by others. It should be defined by how I feel about myself. Success and beauty is unique to each individual, and I as long as I am successful and beautiful in my opinion - I should feel great. It's easier said than done though. I find it easier to believe in myself when I'm drinking. Remembering to do this when I am sober is quite a challenge. But one which I feel I must undertake for the sake of my personal well-being.

I think I will start by making a list of everything that makes me who I am. Whenever I feel low, whenever I am lacking in confidence or start letting other people define who I am, I will look at this list and remind myself how wonderful I actually am (sorry if I sound big-headed - I do not mean to sound like that at all).

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Learn from your experience! What is it about being drunk that makes you more confident? If you can do that when you're drunk, then with practice you can sure as heck do it whilst sober.

My guess is that you over-think things when you're sober.

The Cloud, you are right. If you knew me, you would definately realise pretty quickly that I do think a lot about everything. Every last detail must be thought out. Whenever someone says something to me, I analyse it and think way too much into it. I've always been like that though. It is annoying at times when I just want to do something but I let my thoughts hold me back. I always think negative though. Rarely ever do I think positive. Maybe it's not how much I think about things that I need to change - but how I think about them.

When I've been drinking, I rarely ever think. I have courage, confidence and I think highly of myself (not in an egotistical way, but in the way everyone should think of themselves). I'm not a bad drunk, I've never been in trouble, I've never done anything I wished I hadn't. I'm just a better version of myself, the kind of person I wish I always was.

I'm not sure how to start being this person though. I have a lot of fear. I know I should take "baby-steps" and gently push myself outside my comfort zone. I'm just not sure how to begin doing this.

I think I will try having a few nights out where I don't drink at all and see how I fair. A lot of bars where I live make really nice non-alcoholic cocktails that look like alcoholic ones, so people needn't know I'm not drinking.

[dulaney0330]

Tina,

Your self-worth comes from your parents. Every child must receive two messages if they are to have a healthy sense of self-worth:

"I am lovable"

"I am worthwhile"

These two messages will ultimately dictate your future. Your choices, interests, attitude, personality, and self-esteem will be partially determined by your childhood. If a child is not given the proper love/acceptance/discipline that is needed, he or she may grow up to question worthiness, lovability, and their identity.

How was your childhood?

[Tina McLeman]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Tina,

Your self-worth comes from your parents. Every child must receive two messages if they are to have a healthy sense of self-worth:

"I am lovable"

"I am worthwhile"

These two messages will ultimately dictate your future. Your choices, interests, attitude, personality, and self-esteem will be partially determined by your childhood. If a child is not given the proper love/acceptance/discipline that is needed, he or she may grow up to question worthiness, lovability, and their identity.

How was your childhood?

Well, my childhood was great in many ways, but not so in others. I love my parents dearly, and I accept they raised me the only way they knew how.

I had pretty much everything I ever wanted material-wise and I always had everything I needed. I always had money in my pocket, and they gave me all the tools I needed to be academically successful. They still make sure I am provided for today - even though I don't live at home anymore.

I had (and still have) a great relationship with my dad. I didn't always have a great relationship with my mum though a lot of the time. But nowadays we get along really well .

When I did live at home (up until I was 22), we argued a lot and rarely got along. I won't go into details, but to sum up - she was always quick to dish out negative remarks but she was sparing with her positive comments. Her reactions to things often confused me - I never understood why she acted like she did. But I've learned to accept that it's just who she is.

Maybe the negative remarks have had a much deeper affect on me than I previously thought.

[dali]

Well I am Scottish and do not drink alcohol and I know a lot of others too who do not partake of the stuff and nobody from any angle shoves it at me either especially when I say " No thanks, I dont drink alcohol but I will have a fruit juice."Scotland is a cold country. Alcohol gets you warm quick, or so they say! Why you would have to get non alcoholic cocktails that look like alcohol is beyond me.Why you have to go to pubs too is beyond me when you dont seem to want to get drunk which is your norm. Dont point the finger of blame too much- in your quest for freedom from this problem. Only the truth will free you. Its not Scotland or London that pours it down your throat. Its you by your own hand.There are millions of people in the British Isles who do not go to pubs. Millions. What do you expect from folk in a pub? Automatically they will think you are there for a drink of something stronger than tea. Its up to you .Say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes and dont go laying the blame at everyone elses door for your inability to do so. Its easy. Give it a go. Then and only then will you see that the problem was all in your head. Cheers!!! Non alcoholic cocktails cost a bomb anyway do they not?

[Tina McLeman]

Originally Posted by dali

Well I am Scottish and do not drink alcohol and I know a lot of others too who do not partake of the stuff and nobody from any angle shoves it at me either especially when I say " No thanks, I dont drink alcohol but I will have a fruit juice."Scotland is a cold country. Alcohol gets you warm quick, or so they say! Why you would have to get non alcoholic cocktails that look like alcohol is beyond me.Why you have to go to pubs too is beyond me when you dont seem to want to get drunk which is your norm. Dont point the finger of blame too much- in your quest for freedom from this problem. Only the truth will free you. Its not Scotland or London that pours it down your throat. Its you by your own hand.There are millions of people in the British Isles who do not go to pubs. Millions. What do you expect from folk in a pub? Automatically they will think you are there for a drink of something stronger than tea. Its up to you .Say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes and dont go laying the blame at everyone elses door for your inability to do so. Its easy. Give it a go. Then and only then will you see that the problem was all in your head. Cheers!!! Non alcoholic cocktails cost a bomb anyway do they not?

Oh no, I'm not pointing the blame on anyone. I know at the end of the day it's me drinking the drink, no one else. I was simply giving a little background to my circumstances. I'm really really sorry if I offended you in any way.

Where I grew up in Scotland, everyone I knew drank to get drunk. I think I only knew one person who was completely t-total. It was just the culture of the area, and I grew up thinking that it was the norm. Being a student as well, the stereotype was that students like to drink. In all the pubs etc... they'd always have promotions on aimed at students and I happily took part. I was gullible at the time. Saturday night in my town was crammed with students and young scots drunk to their eyeballs passed out on the street corner. I never drank that much but still, at that time in my life I was a different person and my thoughts towards alcohol were different. I was just another person doing what everyone else was doing and thinking no more of it.

However, it wasn't until I left Britain that I realised just how much I don't like drinking. I was drinking only because I grew up thinking it was something a young person should do. Not because I wanted to. I'm not pointing the blame towards anyone or anything. I'm not saying that I blame my environment or my country or whatever - I blame myself for living up to the stereotype and not thinking for myself. Although at the time I didn't realise that's what I was doing - I know now though. I've been re-examining my life lately, and I've realised that I don't want to be this stereotype anymore. I want to have more control over who I am and what I do.

I love Scotland. It'll always be my home. But you can't deny that we have a bit of a reputation when it comes to drinking. Well, the whole of Britain does, doesn't it. I am returning home next week, and I'm looking forward to showing the new me to my old friends. I am a work in progress, but I'm sure they'll already notice the difference!

And, yes alcohol does make you feel warm in the cold. Why else would you get half-naked girls walking through town at night in a snow storm. It's happened - i've seen it! Non-alcoholic cocktails are actually quite nice and fruitty. Not sure if they cost more though.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Tina McLeman

Well, my childhood was great in many ways, but not so in others. I love my parents dearly, and I accept they raised me the only way they knew how.

I had pretty much everything I ever wanted material-wise and I always had everything I needed. I always had money in my pocket, and they gave me all the tools I needed to be academically successful. They still make sure I am provided for today - even though I don't live at home anymore.

I had (and still have) a great relationship with my dad. I didn't always have a great relationship with my mum though a lot of the time. But nowadays we get along really well .

When I did live at home (up until I was 22), we argued a lot and rarely got along. I won't go into details, but to sum up - she was always quick to dish out negative remarks but she was sparing with her positive comments. Her reactions to things often confused me - I never understood why she acted like she did. But I've learned to accept that it's just who she is.

Maybe the negative remarks have had a much deeper affect on me than I previously thought.

Tina,

Thank you for your response.

Were you made to feel loved and accepted as a child?

The point I am trying to make is that there is a logical reason for your current feelings. Feeling worthless has a root and it is almost always found in childhood. I am a big advocate of looking into one's past to figure out the who/what/why of today's problems. Why? Simply because if we acknowledge where it came from, we are more likely to examine the motives of current behavior.

The challenge for you is to become comfortable with yourself that you can socialize without any anxiety or insecurity. Alcohol certainly gives you this freedom that isn't felt when you are sober. Fears and insecurities melt away with alcohol and this is very exciting for you. It is tempting to rely on alcohol to meet our confidence levels and you are not alone in your struggle.

Obviously, your goal is to become confident without alcohol and to have a higher self-esteem. To do this, you must challenge your thoughts and feelings regarding your negativity. Additionally, I would recommend therapy for your low self-esteem. I have been in counseling for almost a year for my self-esteem problems and it has helped tremendously. The "inner child" concept is my favorite and it has really encouraged great change in me. Have you heard of it?

[Tina McLeman]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Tina,

Thank you for your response.

Were you made to feel loved and accepted as a child?

The point I am trying to make is that there is a logical reason for your current feelings. Feeling worthless has a root and it is almost always found in childhood. I am a big advocate of looking into one's past to figure out the who/what/why of today's problems. Why? Simply because if we acknowledge where it came from, we are more likely to examine the motives of current behavior.

The challenge for you is to become comfortable with yourself that you can socialize without any anxiety or insecurity. Alcohol certainly gives you this freedom that isn't felt when you are sober. Fears and insecurities melt away with alcohol and this is very exciting for you. It is tempting to rely on alcohol to meet our confidence levels and you are not alone in your struggle.

Obviously, your goal is to become confident without alcohol and to have a higher self-esteem. To do this, you must challenge your thoughts and feelings regarding your negativity. Additionally, I would recommend therapy for your low self-esteem. I have been in counseling for almost a year for my self-esteem problems and it has helped tremendously. The "inner child" concept is my favorite and it has really encouraged great change in me. Have you heard of it?

I always knew, logically, that I was loved because if I wasn't, then my folks wouldn't have invested so much in me.

But as for feeling that love, well no, I didn't always feel that I was loved. My mum would direct a lot of anger towards me and no one else in my family and I never understood why. I was a good kid, I never smoked, never did drugs, never bullied, never carried weapons. I always just kept my head in my books and tried to ace school. Any trouble I got in was just trivial kid stuff. So I could never understand why she thought I was such a bad person.

Things are not like that anymore. We have a much more healthy relationship now. But I can understand how the past still lives on inside of me. I mean, not a day goes by where I don't think about all the stuff that happened between us. I feel sad, angry, upset, frustrated, guilty etc... about things.

I had never heard of the "inner child" concept before. So I looked it up online, and so much of the information really hit home with me. I'm not in a position where I can get therapy just now (although I would consider getting it when I'm in a better position to), but I came across a few books on amazon that I'd like to read. They are: "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends" by Victoria Secunda and "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw.

Before I buy them, has anyone read these? Are they any good? Or can anyone recommend any other books that I might find useful?

I'm really excited about being able to be a more confident person without alcohol. I've had low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, so the thought of having better (maybe even high ) self-esteem makes me feel so happy. I am prepared to work hard at it. I really hope it happens!

[WOODSIE65]

Hi Tina

I read your post with interest mainly because I have recently had a bad experience through alcohol - drank too much - deep rooted insecurities came out etc etc

I have been working on my low self-esteem for many years and like to think that on the surface "I am getting there". However, the deep rooted feeling of not being good enough and not believing I am really loveable are still a work in progress

I can thoroughly recommend the book "When you and your mother cant be friends". I read this after not having contact with my mother for over a year because I was in counselling to deal with my feelings and issues about my relationship with her. I never thought that I could feel compassion for my mother - but after reading this book it opened a whole new way of thinking to the extent that she and I are building a new relationship today

Good luck with learning to love yourself. It is not easy and you will always seek confirmation that you are loveable and worthy. Reach out to your friends and they will be there to help show you what a wonderful person you are. In time you will realise that you can shine out without a glass in your hand

I wish you peace
Woodsie65
:

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Tina McLeman

I always knew, logically, that I was loved because if I wasn't, then my folks wouldn't have invested so much in me.

But as for feeling that love, well no, I didn't always feel that I was loved. My mum would direct a lot of anger towards me and no one else in my family and I never understood why. I was a good kid, I never smoked, never did drugs, never bullied, never carried weapons. I always just kept my head in my books and tried to ace school. Any trouble I got in was just trivial kid stuff. So I could never understand why she thought I was such a bad person.

Things are not like that anymore. We have a much more healthy relationship now. But I can understand how the past still lives on inside of me. I mean, not a day goes by where I don't think about all the stuff that happened between us. I feel sad, angry, upset, frustrated, guilty etc... about things.

I had never heard of the "inner child" concept before. So I looked it up online, and so much of the information really hit home with me. I'm not in a position where I can get therapy just now (although I would consider getting it when I'm in a better position to), but I came across a few books on amazon that I'd like to read. They are: "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends" by Victoria Secunda and "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw.

Before I buy them, has anyone read these? Are they any good? Or can anyone recommend any other books that I might find useful?

I'm really excited about being able to be a more confident person without alcohol. I've had low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, so the thought of having better (maybe even high ) self-esteem makes me feel so happy. I am prepared to work hard at it. I really hope it happens!

No, I haven't read those books but I think I am also going to buy them! Perhaps we can grow together! I wish you all the best.

[Tina McLeman]

Thank you Woodsie65 for your post. On your recommendation, I will purchase that book and the other one I mentioned too. I am happy to hear that you are building a new relationship with your mother. I hope things continue to go well for you.

dulaney0330, thank you so much for all your information. It will be (and already has been) incredibly useful to me. I wish you all the best with your growth.

Just knowing that there are people out there with similar issues to me is comforting. And knowing that you have all taken steps to improve your situations, with success, has given me the strength to believe I can change my situation too.

I think laying off the alcohol, and making a serious effort to deal with past issues is the way forward for me. Hopefully I will then start to see results with my self-esteem and confidence.

[WOODSIE65]

Hi Tina

Glad to hear you will be getting the book. It helped me so very much to understand both my behaviour and feelings and those of my mother

Without going in to loads of detail, your post struck a chord with me in that my mother could never find a positive or encouraging word to say to me - let alone express love. She left my father when I was 14 (I was the eldest of 4 children) but has made some catastrophic choices in her life which I used to think was "Karma" for how she had treated me, my siblings and my father

She could be aggressive in her speech and sometimes physically aggressive and was (and still is!!) very opinionated. I used to feel that if my mother didn't agree with my choices or decisions then I must be wrong.

From reading the book and also knowing about her childhood (and learning from her a lot more about it since reading the book and working on our "new" relationship) I realised that she was projecting the treatment she had received both from both of my grandparents. It is not an excuse - but she was behaving the only way she knew how. Unfortunately, she is not a strong enough person to start working on addressing her own "issues"

It is an awesome book - I hope it helps you. It has helped me not only understand and accept my mother and have a relationship with her as a woman today - but also to understand myself and others better too

It has been a great boost to my self confidence and my own inner peace - I really hope it does the same for you! Whatever age you are - it is never too late to develop these good feelings for yourself

I think the alcohol helps you be the confident person you are deep down - but something is blocking you allowing that person to come out. Perhaps because sub-conciously you are unsure whether it will be met with "approval" form your mother. Does that make any sense to you?

Good luck
Woodsie65

[hkalchemy]

Originally Posted by Tina McLeman

I am British, and much of the British culture these days revolves around drinking. Not drinking is somewhat unheard of. I have always disagreed with this mindset, but as yet have done nothing to remove myself from it.

I'm British too and know exactly what you mean. As a student, all we did was drink drink drink. A day without drinking was unthinkable. Of course, this habit carried on for a time into my post-university life. Eventually I got sick of it. I was enjoying it but the hangovers and the feeling of not being in control were getting worse.

So I quit completely And now I don't drink at all. Not even a glass of wine at dinner. I think it's the only way. I've had the good fortune to move out of the UK, which really helps. That's one solution, anyway!

Good luck.

[Tina McLeman]

Originally Posted by WOODSIE65

She could be aggressive in her speech and sometimes physically aggressive and was (and still is!!) very opinionated. I used to feel that if my mother didn't agree with my choices or decisions then I must be wrong.

From reading the book and also knowing about her childhood (and learning from her a lot more about it since reading the book and working on our "new" relationship) I realised that she was projecting the treatment she had received both from both of my grandparents. It is not an excuse - but she was behaving the only way she knew how. Unfortunately, she is not a strong enough person to start working on addressing her own "issues"

Some of what you say reminds me of my mother. She is incredibly opinionated, and doesn't handle it well if people disagree with her. When she gets angry she is very agressive with what she says. I know that if she was in control, she would not say such terrible things - but in the heat of the moment it's like all she wants to do is destroy me.

I've always tried to get her approval. Even when I did something like buy new clothes, if she didn't like them then I would always feel like I "failed". I don't feel like that anymore thankfully. Since I've left home, in many ways i've really become my own person. I no longer feel suffocated and I can really be myself (despite the obvious confidence issues holding me back - but i've still come a long way in the past 2 years).

I think with my mother, her treatment of me was a combination of her treating me how she was treated by my grandparents when she was growing up and I think there was an element of resentment towards me as well, but I won't go into details.

She is also not strong enough to deal with these issues which is why I will never confront her with how I am feeling. I know that confronting her will not lead to a positive, constructive outcome. So I must deal with this on my own. We have a good relationship now, so I see no need to bring up the past with her and risk destroying everything we have now.

Oh dear, this is all so frustrating to think about. I go round in circles trying to figure her out and after 24 years I feel I am no closer! I just want to be at peace with everything. I want to be strong enough to let nothing dent my self-esteem and confidence ever again (or is that wishful thinking? ). Hopefully the books won't take long to get here as I am desperate to start reading them!