I'm Ba-aaaack *que creepy music*

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey everybody. I'm back. Did ya miss me? (Don't answer that )

Yeah, it was only for a few days, but I got a little perspective from my time away. It's not that everything magically got fixed, but I have tried to stop trying so hard to figure it out. I am much more at peace just letting things flow right now without needing an answer to the big questions -- why? how? -- for the moment things are what they are.

I spent some time reading (Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart EDIT: I started writing down quotes I wanted to remember, but it got to the point I was just copying the book!), writing (I did the morning pages one day - no big revalations, but it did feel like my head was a little clearer that day) and working (I finished painting and my living room looks awesome). I also noticed that it helped to concentrate on the task at hand rather than wish it away. At work, I just did the next thing on my list without letting myself complain in my head or procrastinate. I realized that a lot of time I spent on here and analyzing over and over about the stuff in my life was meant to allow me to put off my work (which I am not crazy about). When I just did it, it wasn't so bad really and had the added benefit of taking my mind off the ruminations that were literally making me crazy.

My relationship situation isn't resolved fully, but I find myself better able to quiet the panic that's been going on in my head in favor of peaceful reflection and release of attachment to a certain outcome. I haven't let go 100%, but now I know that there is more peace and love in accepting reality and giving up control than in making everything turn out the way I think is best.

I still really miss my grandma, but instead of just missing her, I've been trying to spend some more time with the people I love who are still here. I've been so mixed up in my head that I've been ignoring the wealth of love that's right in front of me in my wonderful friends and family.

I'm facing a birthday next week. I was looking at it as another year where I don't know the answers, where I am alone and scared. But I am refocusing to view it as another year where I will learn something about what it's all about and that I am not ever alone...there's no reason to be scared.

I have some things about myself I want to change. Rather than defeat myself with self-loathing, I am going to proactively work to become who I really want to be -- a beacon of peace and love who radiates joy to the people I come in contact with and inspires people to aspire to the same for themselves.

To anyone out there who's listening, thanks for all your help. And I'll see you around.