poetry critique?

[AidanMatthews216]

I was not sure where to put this, but... would anybody care to critique or look at my poetry? I write quite a lot but don't have many critics I trust. If anybody has the time, I'd love to get your opinion on something I've written. I also compose music, but as yet I don't have any of it scored or recorded. But if I record something, I'd love to have a critique of that, too. Thanks!

[JohnPlace]

I'd be happy to take a look at your poetry. I am not an expert on the formal "rules" of poetry, but I know a thing or two about the written word. Happy to help.

[AidanMatthews216]

Thanks!

I'm 16 and started righting seriously a few months ago when I had to write poetry for a Creative Writing class. So I'm still pretty green. I guess that's... good?

Anyway, here are a couple I have written recently:

Wedding Photo

The scissors speak with razor lips,
snipping tongue that severs and divides,
a raging surgeon in whose pinpoint wake
cell and cell go running far apart.
“Rumor has it,” says his spreading jaw, and
“So they say,” with a clip of closing teeth,
and the photograph falls cleanly in two parts,
and man and wife fall distant in their hearts.


Telescope

The greenfly in the womb
can be pregnant
before birth.

You, too, are a greenfly.
Your ideas are already
having other ideas, and
the children you teach
are already teaching others,
sometime.

Keep in mind
that you have in you
your grandchildren
and your grandchildren's
grandchildren,
and you will be able
to look across the
gasping space between you
and stars and see them clearly;
you will realize that
your words are
already libraries, and
your children are
already dynasties,
sometime.

You are a greenfly,
infinitely fertile.

Edit: That last poem is screwed up. Some of the lines are supposed to be tabbed over. Anybody know how to fix this?

[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

Thanks!

I'm 16 and started righting seriously a few months ago when I had to write poetry for a Creative Writing class. So I'm still pretty green. I guess that's... good?

Anyway, here are a couple I have written recently:

Wedding Photo

The scissors speak with razor lips,
snipping tongue that severs and divides,
a raging surgeon in whose pinpoint wake
cell and cell go running far apart.
“Rumor has it,” says his spreading jaw, and
“So they say,” with a clip of closing teeth,
and the photograph falls cleanly in two parts,
and man and wife fall distant in their hearts.


Telescope

The greenfly in the womb
can be pregnant
before birth.

You, too, are a greenfly.
Your ideas are already
having other ideas, and
the children you teach
are already teaching others,
sometime.

Keep in mind
that you have in you
your grandchildren
and your grandchildren's
grandchildren,
and you will be able
to look across the
gasping space between you
and stars and see them clearly;
you will realize that
your words are
already libraries, and
your children are
already dynasties,
sometime.

You are a greenfly,
infinitely fertile.

Edit: That last poem is screwed up. Some of the lines are supposed to be tabbed over. Anybody know how to fix this?

I enjoyed both poems.

The imagery in the first poem was appropriately savage. Your message in the greenfly poem was dead-on accurate and communicated with creativity. Very nice work.

I enjoyed them.

I am not qualified to speak on the "technical" aspects of each poem, but I wanted to ask: Did you mean to use the word "gaping" instead of "gasping" in the greenfly poem? There are no hard and fast rules about this sort of thing, but it seemed like it might have been a typo.