I don't understand.

[specialagentdalecooper]

I don't understand why I'm suffering so much. It just doesn't make sense. I understand that I have a physiological problem that makes me depressed--but it shouldn't be like this. Don't things happen for a reason?

I've been depressed for at least four years; I've self-harmed a lot, had several suicide attempts, and been hospitalized thrice. I've been in therapy for most of it and have come to a point where I can cope pretty well; at least I don't cut anymore and I'm not tempted to suicide. But I almost feel worse than ever. I was doing very well for a long time--at least for a couple months. I thought that it would leave me alone, but now I don't think it's ever going to go away. It just seems so cruel... The problem is that I'm completely alone. During the day, when there are people around, I can get by. But within seconds of the bedroom light going out, my face is soaking wet. The worse part is that, despite my rational thought processes, I feel convinced that it's my fault that I'm alone, that I'm not as good as everybody else, that I deserve to die. I never felt that way before. That's new.

I feel like I'm writing this post to somebody on the other side of a veil of absolutely impermeable darkness. Although this is a cliche, it's exactly how I feel. I'm quite sure that I'm not bipolar, and yet most of the time I feel really great, except for the nights, days, or weeks when I feel like *this.* I'm so close to graduating that I can't afford any of this; I've already been cut so much slack to make up for all the school I missed, and even with that I will barely graduate. I'm only taking two classes but my life feels completely out of control. I've been lying to my parents about how much work I'm turning in. They think I'm all the way caught up but I've barely turned in anything. My teachers are puzzled at why someone as intelligent as me is failing.

Please help. I am a hostage.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by specialagentdalecooper

The problem is that I'm completely alone. During the day, when there are people around, I can get by. But within seconds of the bedroom light going out, my face is soaking wet. The worse part is that, despite my rational thought processes, I feel convinced that it's my fault that I'm alone, that I'm not as good as everybody else, that I deserve to die.

Take these four beliefs and hold them up to inquiry and see what happens:
"I'm completely alone."
"it's my fault that I'm alone"
"I'm not as good as everybody else"
"I deserve to die"

I call bulls--t on your belief that these thoughts are true. Hold them up to inquiry and you'll see they aren't. The inquiry I'm talking about is called "The Work". It's 4 simple questions and a turnaround.

Get it at your library.
Amazon.com
or not-so-easy-to-read on Scribd: Byron Katie - Loving What Is

These thoughts are a habit your have. You'll be doing the work on them over and over until they let go of you.

[specialagentdalecooper]

Originally Posted by Dharma

I call bulls--t on your belief that these thoughts are true.

Of course. I disbelieve them at the level of my rational mind, but something deep inside of me is convinced of them. Three years of therapy have convinced me firmly that they are false--but there are times when my gut takes over completely and I seem to lose control of that knowledge. I don't know how to explain it.

These thoughts are a habit your have. You'll be doing the work on them over and over until they let go of you.

That's true. The only way out is through.

I'm just very, very, very, very scared. That's all there is to it. I'm mostly scared that I will become suicidal again. I will do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

Thank you for your reply.

[tintin]

how are you feeling now dc?and how long have you been feeling this way?

could you think of any incident which brought this on?

well dc. do you know that even when people arent there ..you are still not alone?
youve got 'people' in the beyond that are watching out for you,looking after you.protecting you.


dont feel as if youre loved?
all this sadness that is coming thru from your post might actually be blocking out the love that IS THERE.

there is something inside you which is 'still' bravely marching on.despite your grief and sorrow.
do you see that?
do you see your strength?
can you recognise your will to beat this?

put your hand on your heart.
right now.
and feel it beat.

start with the white light meditation.
over the years the sorrow has made deep grooves.

are you wanting to beat this?

DO YOU want to heal yourself?


sendin ya some light.

[lifetimelearner]

how much sleep are you getting ?
are you on any medications and if so what are they ?
what's your diet like ?
do feel pressured to 'feel' normal ?
do you have any pets ?
do you have any fun ?

I guess we will start with those

[specialagentdalecooper]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

how much sleep are you getting ?

Quite enough, and not too much. This is not the issue.

are you on any medications and if so what are they ?

Lamotrignine and seroquel.

what's your diet like ?

Vegan. Insufficient.

do feel pressured to 'feel' normal ?

Not particularly.

do you have any pets ?

Yes.

do you have any fun ?

No. Because I have no friends.

[Annya]

Man, do I know where you're coming from.

I suffered from depression for approx. 4 yrs so I feel your pain, and it is painful. I'm glad to know that you don't self-harm anymore and that you sought help.

The feelings you have described were almost identical to mine, although I didn't self-harm. The loneliness was the worst of it. I'm here to tell you that you are soooo not alone. I'm a university student so I went through the whole missing school, special consideration etc. stuff as well. I really want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I think it will help if I let you know what got me out of it. I'm sure my circumstances are different from yours but the point is that our stories are equally real.
One of the key things that got me out of the 'quicksand' was telling my sister everything, absolutely everything about how I was feeling. I just couldn't bring myself to tell my parents so my sister did it for me and they were by my side imediately. They are strict disciplanarians but were really understanding and gave me my space. I started counseling and really stuck by it. I dropped all my courses and took two arts courses instead (I was taking 4th level biochem and switched to english, something i was comfortable with at the time) I refused medication and just went with Cognitive-Behavioral therapy and really tried hard to work on myself. It was so difficult and some days I didn't try at all. Some sessions I blatantly lied to my counselor and I regret that now so I recommend you communicate everything you are feeling.

Other things that really helped me were:
> Focusing on activities that make me happy like drawing and painting and reading
> Reading accounts of other depressed individuals and how they got out of it, it really gave me hope
> Working on my thought processes

I don;t know what technique your counselor or doctor is using but if its not CBT, I highly recommend that you pick up David Burns book Feeling Good. It is the CBT bible and every good therapist recommends it as well as The Mindful way through depression. Both books were very very enlightening.

The fact that you asked for help on the forum, that you are seeing help irl and that you don't want to feel "this way" anymore is the surest sign of the fact that you're on the road to recovery, you just don't know it yet. Its how it started for me anyway. At the end of the day, it comes from within, when you know that you want a better life, a happier life, a happier you and you will stop at nothing to get it, step outside yourself for a minute and see your thoughts for their toxicity, for what they are doing to you. Its easy for people to say "think happy thoughts" but only someone who has experienced depression can truly relate to the "pain" and the cycle of mental abuse we inflict upon ourselves. Always keep hope.

I've rambled on enough already. I hope this helped, feel free to ask me any questions you may have at all.

[specialagentdalecooper]

Originally Posted by Annya

The fact that you asked for help on the forum, that you are seeing help irl and that you don't want to feel "this way" anymore is the surest sign of the fact that you're on the road to recovery, you just don't know it yet. Its how it started for me anyway. At the end of the day, it comes from within, when you know that you want a better life, a happier life, a happier you and you will stop at nothing to get it, step outside yourself for a minute and see your thoughts for their toxicity, for what they are doing to you. Its easy for people to say "think happy thoughts" but only someone who has experienced depression can truly relate to the "pain" and the cycle of mental abuse we inflict upon ourselves. Always keep hope.

I've rambled on enough already. I hope this helped, feel free to ask me any questions you may have at all.

Thank you so much for your story and your advice. It really just lit up my day (if you can call 12:30 AM "day"; I think it is if you're listening to good music, which I am ) I am so glad that I'm getting honest answers and sympathetic help, since I felt rather weird about making myself so vulnerable on the forum.

Most of the time I am not only doing well, but doing almost spectacular; at least, my hopes are for a spectacular future. Part of the reason my depression is so painful is that I understand how many incredible gifts (external and internal) I have been given; when I'm depressed, it feels like I could reach out and try to touch all these gifts, but they're just a little bit too far away. That's the most painful thing. I think I have a kind of spiritual sensitivity which makes both the highs and the lows very complete... but maybe I'm just flattering myself.

Frankly, I know that what I most need is a med change and a social life. I'm not socially inept (I don't think,) but I am new at the whole "friend" thing, and right now I'm very isolated. I'm going to learn to drive, get a job, visit my old friends, and whatever I can do to get out and active--because frankly the loneliness is the biggest trigger for my depression. I'm also trying to keep in mind how likely I am to relapse once in a while, and that I just need to get through it. If it were not for depression, my life really is pretty kickin'.

Thank you all for your posts. Dharma, I'm checking out the book you posted a link to and so far it seems quite fascinating--It's a very interesting twist on basically the kind of thing I've been doing in therapy.

God is guiding me, and I will be fine.