need help with delicate issue

[washing]

Hello all, I have found this site thank God I am searching for some answers maybe someone can help me.... I am in a relationship with a married man, he has filed for a divorce and we have been building our relationship for 7 months now we are christians and do believe in waiting on God. His wife just found out about our relationship through people in the church, this is a fairly small town should I let this relationship go until the divorce is final, confess to my church that I have been wrong? let my love for him die out?? I want to be honest about this but I can't talk to my pastor, should I pretend it never happened? I want to be with him but I am not a home-wrecker, I'm not sure if he really wants to divorce her because he just wasn't happy or because he wants to be with me I want to do what is right, and continue to serve God properly BUT I have fallen head over hills for this guy,what should I do?

[AmeriBrit]

In my personal opinion, I would most certainly distance yourself from this man and let him get his own personal life sorted out between 'God' and with his still present wife.

Until then (signed divorce papers in hand, or he and she work things out) you have no foundation on which to properly engage in, and be in any solid relationship with him.

He needs to be a 'free agent' if he's going to play the field, and by your continuing to exist privately within it, your only adding confusion, and not only hurting yourself, but him, his wife, his family, and everyone associated 'with the two of you'.

If it's meant to be after 'the dust settles', THEN is a more appropriate time to try to re-start a relationship. Who knows... Maybe by then your 'Christian' character will have moved on and you might find out where your heart truly lies, and what your real faith or motivation is.

You SHOULD privately seek consultation with your Pastor. It's part of 'his job' as being a Christian to be there for his parishoners, and he does work within the restraint of privacy in all matters. Trust your faith, and speak with him.

[Dan.Linehan]

It sounds like you are letting religion control your life in a very negative way. Why?

God wants more truth and love in your life, not less.

[NightSpirit]

You left a lot of information out of your post.

Was the man separated when you met him or did he leave his wife to be with you?

How does his wife feel about him being with you? You said only that she found out.

Why is this bothering you so much now? You said you had been with him for months and people in the church know it. What changed?

If what you are doing is good and right then you would have peace about it.

[washing]

Yes you are absolutely right, I was told just recently that he filed for a divorce because of me, but initially he said he wasn't happy with his situation at home. Since then, his wife has confronted me and I denied it,all of a sudden he is acting very distant, I don't know what I should do my gut tells me to just back off, but my heart and my flesh is saying different. Please help me with some sound advice without judging if you can I really need help with this....First of all, we have been dating for over 6 months, I work with this guy and attend church with him too, I also have a position in the church and am starting to feel like I am doing something wrong, his wife threatened me with a weapon and I have tried to stay humble through all of this, when we first got together, he was saying how unhappy he was and that he had already filed for a divorce, it is supposed to be final in August, he says he is still in love with me and that nothing has changed but, last week when she came home from where-ever, he stayed home and neglected to call me for two days, then he showed up with her at church by her side like a couple again, it really hurt me to see that with all he has promised me, and I have gotten attached because he spent the night almost every night for several weeks at a time, now things seem different and I feel like this is my chance to stop this infidelity while he has not showed his face in a few days, I talked to him today and he said he wanted to see me but never showed up, i don't want to hurt anyone if there is a chance for them to reconcile, but I don't want to give up this relationship if he is the right one for me....

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by washing

he says he is still in love with me and that nothing has changed but, last week when she came home from where-ever, he stayed home and neglected to call me for two days, then he showed up with her at church by her side like a couple again, it really hurt me to see that with all he has promised me

What did he say when you asked him about this?

[NightSpirit]

You might want to start another thread about this is emotional mastery, spirituality or social and relationships where more people facing the same kind of issues can help you.

Please lose that fear of being judged. The only one holy enough to judge you or powerful enough to punish you is God. He doesn't condemn you so neither do we. The Bible says that if we confess our sins to Him, He will forgive them.(1 John 1:9) The past is done and over with and because His mercy is new every morning, you can always start fresh today with Him.(Lam 3:22-23)

It does seem the man is a bit wishy washy and is having second thoughts about the divorce. You did love him but that was before he showed this side of himself. Now that you have this new information about his character you can decide today whether he is a person you want to love or have in your life anymore.

Today and that power you have to make the right choices this day is all that you have to give God. You do feel a bond with this man; it's just natural when you're involved that way. But if you can admit that maybe the relationship was a mistake and forgive yourself, doing that will help you in healing. Sometimes we feel that because we have made an initial investment into a relationship, that we must stay in it and try to make our investment pay off. But it can become for us like throwing good money after bad, so to speak, when we stay invested emotionally in something that has turned out to be not what we wanted.

And when another woman is involved, unconsciously our sense of competition and trying to win sometimes kicks in because of our egos as women. Try not to look at this as winning or losing someone but as an opportunity to become better at choosing your own actions and reactions.

Winning in life is when we are true to our deepest hopes and dreams for ourselves. The future you want, one of a good relationship with someone who also loves God as you do, can still be your dream and doesn't depend on this man. Ending your involvement in this would be more like just declining a part in this man's drama with his wife.

You have the power to decide your role in your own life story. Don't choose to cast yourself as the woman who sits around wondering what he is doing and trying to figure out why. See yourself as a wise person who gave him the benefit of the doubt and by watching his actions, you now can see that he doesn't fit in your own dreams of a Christian relationship.

You are right; this is your chance to decide to let it all go and his actions may be that way of escape in temptation that God has made for you since you truly desire to please God and wait on Him.

The change and the loss of the hope you had for this relationship may hurt and I think that is why God asks us not to get involved like this, in relationships where the commitment doesn't come first. There is a bond that happens when we have sex and it's natural to want to have sex when you are in love. The timing of the sex may have been wrong for you but loving someone is never a cause for shame so hold your head up about that. The worst mistake you made was in trusting someone before they had proven themselves to be worthy of trust and also maybe of getting ahead of God in the working out of this relationship. You are wiser now and can make a better decision the next time you are in love.

God will comfort you in this; He is near to the broken-hearted.(Psalm 34:18) Jesus would say to you as He did the woman caught in adultery in the Bible, "Neither do I condemn you; go your way and sin no more." His love for you and His plans to prosper you and to give you a future and a hope have not (Jer 33:3) and will not ever change. We have all come short of God's best plans for us and as David said,"If the Lord would mark iniquities, who could stand?" (Psalm 130) Accept God's forgiveness and cleansing then you will enter into a new and deeper love with Him, as those who have been forgiven much then love much, myself included.(Luke 7:47)

You are forgiven the moment you ask for it and are free. But after seeking God's wisdom and possibly help from your pastor, if you feel all this might reflect badly on your church or become a stumbling block to new believers or somehow take attention away from Christ, then stepping down from your position and taking some time off to refresh your Spirit may be good for you.

On a more practical note, you do not have to put up with being threatened by anyone just because you are a Christian. To maliciously prosecute his wife might be wrong and you can let it pass if you think she was acting that way out of her pain. But if she thinks she can control your life with threats, you might have to meet her with some consequences.

I don't know him but wishy washy men that play musical beds with women do tend to bring out the craziness even in the best women. Ultimately, it's his doing that caused all this. Ending your relationship with him, at least until he is completely free, is probably best for your peace right now.

Edit: It may be important for you at least hear him out if he wants to talk so you can get closure of why he is acting this way. If his wife is upset and he is trying to calm her so nothing bad will happen that is still not your problem. You may still need to back off for a while but at least you will know what happened.

[washing]

Thank you all for helping me, I know what I must do and just needed confirmation.

[NightSpirit]

Let us know how things are working out for you if you can. I know it's scary to be vunerable on a forum like this but we are not your judge and we all help each other around here. Maybe your input and experiences will help other women. Jesus will never leave you, just remember that.

[Dave Kaminski]

Originally Posted by washing

Thank you all for helping me, I know what I must do and just needed confirmation.

We're all proud of you for doing the right thing! Thanks for bringing more truth and love to the world through your actions

Try to ride this momentum and keep as much truth as possible at all times! (anything less than 100% truth is not ideal)