Intro

[pianoperformer]

Hi,

My name is Brandon. I'm 19 years old, and am going into my sophomore year at Duquesne University for music performance for classical piano.

I came across this site last summer, but wasn't totally ready to accept what it had to say. I just came back about two days ago, though, and have been reading and reading, and still I can't make a dent in the magnificent content contained here.

I have a lot of things in my life that I want to improve, including spirituality, health, and overcoming fears.

I actually have already overcome a few fears in the recent past, so hopefully I am on the right track. I initially went to college for computer science, because that's what I was good at and where I could make a lot of money in all probability. However, as my first semester went on, I realized that programming really wasn't what I wanted to be doing the rest of my life. I have often looked at the impermanence in life, and always looked for meaning, though sometimes I tried to ignore this nagging feeling that I wasn't looking in the right place. I knew that programming wasn't very meaningful. At most, it might provide some useful functionality for some people, or make a company more money. However, none of that would be around in 100 years.

I've been playing the piano since the age of 5, so everyone thought I would be a music major, but I was scared. I was afraid of not being able to live off of being a pianist, or of not being good enough to get anywhere significant. But I realized that this is what I would rather do. When I listen or perform music, I am overcome with gratitude for its beauty, and sheer euphoria. I really feel like it connects us with the highest realms of the universe—even with source, if you will. I can think of no better feeling.

it gives me purpose, because I want to spread this appreciation to others. Sometimes we can be too rational, logical, and scientific as a society, and the arts just get ignored and pushed aside. This makes us so unbalanced, when everything can be reduced to reasoning or a formula. We become drones, just getting up every morning, working at a meaningless, unfulfilling job, coming home, watching TV all night, going to bed, and repeating it day after day ad nauseam. Life loses meaning, and is reduced to making it through the week, or even through the day.

Music tears us out of this comfort zone, making us rethink what we thought as true—making us realize there is more to life. When I say music, I don't mean the dumbed down pop music created for the masses, that allows us to continue on in this sickening meaningless existence while happily swaying to its beat. No, I mean classical music. I mean the music that takes the laws of our universe—of sound and harmony, and stretches them to their limits. I mean the music that cannot, will not, be satisfied with serving as mere background accompaniment to the repetitive music of our own lives, but bursts into the forefront, demanding our attention, and demanding that we think about what we are really doing.

This is what music does for me, and what I want it to do for others. It is what I believe it will do for others if they give it some thought and attention.

But there is that practicality to think of, which is why I was scared to take the leap. The truth is that people do ignore it, and therefore there are very few very successful musicians out there.

I did take the leap, though. I auditioned, and got accepted easily into the music school.

But that's not to say that everything is fine in this area of my life. I fear losing my intentions and my focus. Sometimes, it is just about me. Sometimes I just want to get ahead, so that I have a better chance of succeeding, and actually being able to make a living off of this. Sometimes I just ask the universe to let me develop technically, and to win competitions, such as the piano concerto competition next year for which I am preparing. Ah, if only I will win that competition! And then if only I will get accepted to an excellent conservatory to earn my masters and possibly my doctorate! Then, if only I will be an excellent concert pianist, and be able to live off of it, and then...and then...what? I don't know. All that rushing to get ahead, but no focusing on expressing that message. How can I express that beautiful message if I am only interested in winning the next competition, passing the next audition, or playing this piece absolutely perfectly for that next concert? I fear that I will hit all the notes, but that it will be dead. Music without expression is dead. It has no life. Then people are left uninspired, and can continue on without questioning anything. They will say that the concert was very nice indeed, and then it will be forgotten.

However, I fear also that if I focus on this purpose of expressing this message, and of glorifying the music, then maybe I won't get where I want to go, and if I don't get there, if I don't get accepted to that conservatory and don't become a well-known concert pianist, then I have no chance of living off of it, or of it supporting me. It is seemingly the eternal struggle.

Maybe both are possible. In fact it is probably so, or that is what I like to think. But I don't know yet how to resolve the two desires. I admit, though it is painful, that part of it is wanting to glorify myself through my technical ability on the piano—with my ability to play very difficult pieces, but I recognize that this is the totally wrong view to have, and I can't have any part of that purpose with such a self-centered attitude.

Of course there are other matters in my life about which I search guidance. My physical condition leaves much to be desired, and I know it would be very nice to lose a decent amount of weight. I know that I don't have the best of relationships with my family, and that often I get angry without justification. I know that I am often quick to anger, but would love to be happier and more positive.

Most of all, I know that spiritually I am lost, and want so much to find that illusive truth. I could dedicate a book to my spiritual search as I was growing up, going from the study of new-age philosophies, to eastern religions, to Christianity, and in cycles between these. One thing seems to feel right, but the fear of being wrong makes me afraid, since Christianity leaves no room for being wrong.

In short, there are many things about which I hope to learn here, and then hopefully I can rely on the support of this community as I attempt to apply these and to overcome my fears.

[cadmar]

Welcome and good luck.

[Dan.Linehan]

Hi Brandon, welcome to the forums!

Thanks for the great introduction!

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

However, as my first semester went on, I realized that programming really wasn't what I wanted to be doing the rest of my life.

Just because you learn a skill doesn't mean you have to do it the rest of your life. It still might be worth knowing.

I knew that programming wasn't very meaningful.

Depends on what you are programming, doesn't it? Personals site? A robot sensor? A VTOL? A game? A music creation application?

Programming is talking to computers. The meaning comes not from the skill itself, but from what you do with the ability.

However, none of that would be around in 100 years.

I saw a lecture recently about how humanity is subconsciously recreating itself through technology. A prosthetic limb there, an automatic vacuum cleaner here. Pretty soon you have an android.

Or a big dog at least.

It's funny, personal develop is almost entirely about making an accurate mental picture of reality. The same goes for robotic evolution. The main thing now is sensor technology.

Once sensors get good enough they'll map reality themselves, without programmer assistance. That will be within a 100 years, for sure.

But that convergence of data will bring about so much social change I'm not sure if it's worth worrying about right now.

Speaking as someone who has about a decade of experience in the white collar work force, trust me, nobody cares what your degree is in, or what your grades were. At least not once you get the job. They only care that you are a good person to have around. That you have skills, and that you help the team work towards common goals.

Deciding your major based on what life will be like 100 years from now probably isn't a very good idea. Simply put, the future is not that predictable. It matters much more how handy you are, as a person. How much you know, and how well you can use the tools around you towards positive ends.

For those skills it wouldn't matter if you are a programmer, or an economist, or whatever. In my experience though, programming teaches standardizes logic, with is a good way to learn to thing about things.

If this, then that, else this.

When you get high enough into programing it melds into logical philosophy.

High level philosophy, programming and math all have a lot in common.

I've been playing the piano since the age of 5, so everyone thought I would be a music major, but I was scared. I was afraid of not being able to live off of being a pianist, or of not being good enough to get anywhere significant. But I realized that this is what I would rather do. When I listen or perform music, I am overcome with gratitude for its beauty, and sheer euphoria. I really feel like it connects us with the highest realms of the universe—even with source, if you will. I can think of no better feeling.

That's awesome. Follow your bliss.

When I say music, I don't mean the dumbed down pop music created for the masses, that allows us to continue on in this sickening meaningless existence while happily swaying to its beat. No, I mean classical music.

What about smart pop music, like The Arcade Fire, or Andrew Bird?

We become drones, just getting up every morning, working at a meaningless, unfulfilling job, coming home, watching TV all night, going to bed, and repeating it day after day ad nauseam. Life loses meaning, and is reduced to making it through the week, or even through the day.

Exactly -- the tricky thing is how easily complacency can creep into your life if you aren't careful.

How many of our parents swore to never be like that when they got older?

I wonder..

I did take the leap, though. I auditioned, and got accepted easily into the music school.

Congratulations!

Sometimes I just want to get ahead, so that I have a better chance of succeeding, and actually being able to make a living off of this. Sometimes I just ask the universe to let me develop technically, and to win competitions, such as the piano concerto competition next year for which I am preparing. Ah, if only I will win that competition!

Why not just focus on your skills and innovation? Honing your abilities..?

Could you put on a good concert right now?

All that rushing to get ahead, but no focusing on expressing that message.

The rush should be to become excellent at expressing your message.

However, I fear also that if I focus on this purpose of expressing this message, and of glorifying the music, then maybe I won't get where I want to go, and if I don't get there, if I don't get accepted to that conservatory and don't become a well-known concert pianist, then I have no chance of living off of it, or of it supporting me. It is seemingly the eternal struggle.

Do well-known concert pianists express their messages better?

I've never heard their message, myself. What is it?

My physical condition leaves much to be desired, and I know it would be very nice to lose a decent amount of weight.

Vegan diet and sports will go a long way. Buy a juicer. Drink a lot of raw juice, eat organic. Stop the fast food, etc.

I get angry without justification. I know that I am often quick to anger, but would love to be happier and more positive.

What triggers you getting angry? Who says it isn't justified?

Most of all, I know that spiritually I am lost, and want so much to find that illusive truth.

You don't sound very spiritually lost to me. What makes you think you are exactly?

Christianity leaves no room for being wrong.

You might want to check out A Course in Miracles.

This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary.
Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum.
It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time.
The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught.
It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence,
which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear,
but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.
This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

Enjoy the forums, Brandon.

Peace.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Hi Brandon, welcome to the forums!

Thanks for the great introduction!

Thank you for the welcome. I apologize for the long introduction.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Just because you learn a skill doesn't mean you have to do it the rest of your life. It still might be worth knowing.

Depends on what you are programming, doesn't it? Personals site? A robot sensor? A VTOL? A game? A music creation application?

Programming is talking to computers. The meaning comes not from the skill itself, but from what you do with the ability.



I saw a lecture about how humanity is subconsciously recreating itself through technology. A prosthetic limb there, an automatic vacuum cleaner here. Pretty soon you have an android.

Or a big dog at least.

It's funny, personal develop is almost entirely about making an accurate mental picture of reality. The same goes for robotic evolution. The main thing now is sensor technology.

Once sensors get good enough at it they'll map reality themselves, without programmer assistance. That will be within a 100 years, for sure.

But that convergence of data will bring about so much social change I'm not sure if it's worth worrying about right now.

Speaking as someone who has about a decade of experience in the white collar work force, trust me, nobody cares what your degree is in, or what your grades were. At least not once you get the job. They only care that you are a good person to have around. That you have skills, and that you help the team work towards common goals.

Deciding your major on what life will be like 100 years from now probably isn't a very good idea. Simply put, the future is not that predictable. It matters much more how handy you are, as a person. How much you know, and how well you can use the tools around you towards positive ends.

For those skills it wouldn't matter if you are a programmer, or an economist, or whatever. In my experience though, programming teaches standardizes logic, with is a good way to learn to thing about things.

If this, then that, else this.

When you get high enough into programing it melds into logical philosophy.

High level philosophy, programming and math all have a lot in common.

True. But I tend to think long-term, and mostly I thought about what I wanted to be doing the rest of my life, and what path would best help me get there. I couldn't think of something meaningful I could or wanted to do with programming. I already know how to program, as i've been doing so for about 7 years, but I wasn't going to major in it unless I intended to get a job as a programmer, which I did not.

It was a difficult decision, because I am both very analytical as well as creative.

I understand employers don't care what your degree is in, but there's a huge difference between playing the piano as a hobby while majoring in something else, and practicing 5-8 hours a day because that is your major and eventually your job.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

That's awesome. Follow your bliss.

Nice video.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

What about smart pop music, like The Arcade Fire, or Andrew Bird?

Assuming that was tongue-in-cheek. I hear nothing out-of-the-ordinary harmonically.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Exactly -- the tricky thing is how easily complacency can creep into your life if you aren't careful.

Indeed. That's one thing I try to be careful of, but it is hard, especially when it gets to the end of the semester and I get lazy.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

How many of our parents swore to never be like that when they got older?

I wonder..

I don't know. My mom is definitely like what I described now, though, and it depresses me. But I don't think she ever thought as deeply. That's no insult to her, just some people never really question the deeper things.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Congratulations!

Thank you! It was very hard, and I had to train myself for the month beforehand in order to pass the musicianship/eartraining part of the audition, since I previously had no training in this.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Why not just focus on your skills and innovation? Honing your abilities..?

Well, true, but again i'm afraid that if I am not, well, excellent, that it will not support me. I dont' want to have to struggle for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am not bad, or even average (forgive the bragging), or else I would not have gotten into this university, since it's hard to get into. But the competition is so fierce that...it's hard to make much of it.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Could you put on a good concert right now?

Probably, though maybe not a very long one.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

The rush should be to become excellent at expressing your message.

I agree. That is what I am trying to focus on.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Do well-known concert pianists express their messages better?

It depends. I think that the better one is technically, the better they can obviously play, and so they don't have to struggle as much to perform, and so they can focus more on the expression. However, there are those who focus almost exclusively on technique, and so their playing is devoid of musicality, and is therefore boring.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

I've never heard their message, myself. What is it?

I think it again depends on the pianist. For some, it is to glorify the music. For others, it is to glorify themselves. The latter would be those about whom I spoke above, who focus only on technique and not on expression. Others might just do it for their own enjoyment.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Vegan diet and sports will go a long way. Buy a juicer. Drink a lot of raw juice, eat organic. Stop the fast food, etc.

Vegan diet, oh yes...well, i've been considering it. I am quite addicted to meat at the moment, though yesterday I had a strange instance of being totally repulsed by it for the majority of the afternoon and evening. It came back with full force this morning, though. Any suggestions for making the transition?

Sports..well that's troublesome. One thing I didn't mention in my original post is that I'm totally blind, and so sometimes physical activity is a little difficult, such as running or anything otherwise that requires sight. I get a little more activity at college since I have to walk to class, and it is a very hilly campus! It is on a hill, actually.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

What triggers you getting angry? Who says it isn't justified?

People's actions. Sometimes I don't know. Some things just rub me the wrong way. Sometimes it is stupidity. Many times it is just because things aren't going the way I would like.

Is anger ever justified?

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

You don't sound very spiritually lost to me. What makes you think you are exactly?

Because I still dont' know what to believe.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

You might want to check out A Course in Miracles.

This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary.
Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum.
It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time.
The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught.
It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence,
which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear,
but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.
This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

Thanks. I will check that out.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Enjoy the forums, Brandon.

Peace.

Thank you again. Also thank you for taking the time to reply to my excessively long introduction. I laughed when the first reply was a single sentence (no offense to that person, just struck me as funny).