Worried About My Teenage Son

[Patty]

Greetings All! This is my first post, although I've been "lurking in the
shadows" reading some pieces for quite some time. My seventeen year old son is going off to college in the fall and I feel certain that he is not ready. I want to feel excited for him and celebrate his impending high school graduation, but in addition to his pot smoking, procrastinating, disorganized tendencies, I think he is truly deluded. He believes that in college, he won't have seemingly frivolous worksheet assignments and parents and teachers communicating every missed assignment to each other, so therefore he will somehow become a good student. He doesn't see a cause and effect with work habits and good grades. Anyone know a really really disorganized teenager who is in complete denial of his constant confusion of due dates and missing resources and reliance on friends and teachers' web postings to know what is due? He is not exactly ADD and won't consider being medicated to see if it helps anyway. How do I deal with feelings of doom, helplessness and worry? By the way, my husband is less worried and so my feelings are my own. He agrees with the concerns but is able to live and let live. Any suggestions for me and/or similar experiences out there?

[Angela]

Hi, Patty, and welcome.

Have you seen the book, The Astonishing Power of Emotions? It addresses concerns like yours, parent about their kids. Also, Byron Katie's books you might find very helpful in examining what's so.

What do you want for your son, if not for him to make his own choices? If he's not ready for college, would you like him to stay home with you until he is ready? Let's face it, he's effectively an adult. You've done a great job at raising him, and now that he's raised, it's time for him to start making his own choices and learning his own adult lessons, don't you think? If you don't agree, how long are you going to keep making his choices for him? How much do you think he'll learn, how do you think he'll see what there is to see, if you don't generate trust and freedom for him, and instead continue to generate "he is deluded and a f*** up"? Believe me, he can feel you generating that.

If I were you, I'd give him a care package of books on organization, motivation, clarity, and fun, including Steve Pavlina's article Do it Now, tell him you are going to practice letting go of your negative habitual thought pattern, and let him know he can come to you and your husband if he'd like help or guidance. Then wave goodbye and go out and learn how to scuba dive!

Pretend* like the fear you are feeling is really concern about you, not him. Imagine that what you're fretting about is really 100% you -- that it's YOU who is disorganized, deluded, and in denial. Look closely: you can find something in yourself about which that is true. Then act on it in yourself. Take steps to improve yourself in that area -- do something you're afraid to do. Be the change you want to see in your son. He'll be inspired, you will have grown, your husband will relax. Everybody wins!

Best wishes!

*that was a joke. Did you get it?

[Honeywith4bees]

Patty ~

Do our boys know each other? For a minute I thought that you had gotten in my head and were describing my son! He'll swear up and down that he has no homework until I log onto Powerschool and tell him otherwise.

I posted on here awhile back how concerned I was with my son's lack of drive, organizational skills and motivation and how concerned I was about his future. One of the best replies I got was to remember that he will learn far more from his own failures than from the successes that were orchestrated by me.

I also think it's a guy thing. I'm told that teenage boys do a lot of growing emotionally in the later part of their teenage years. And I noticed that you said that your husband isn't to worried either, maybe he was the same way as a kid?

Good luck Patty!

[Lyric]

Hi there!
I just joined yesterday (after months and months of lurking) and this is my very first post too. I couldn't help but respond to this. I have absolutely no good advice but I can certainly commiserate. I'm in just about the exact same situation as you are but with my 19 YO son.

He graduated (a year late) from high school this past Sunday and will be starting college in the fall. He's got alot of similar issues as your son as well as having to deal with dyslexia.

I'm done worrying and trying to help him and nagging at him. He just blows me off anyways. He is just going to have to sink or swim once he gets to college. Its hard to just shut my mouth and let him go, but I have to. I think it will do both of us more harm than good if I don't.

I know when I was his age, my parents tried to tell me things and I did the same thing he does to me, blew them off and did my own thing. They let me make my own mistakes and suffer the consequences. I look back on my own life and things have pretty much always worked out,one way or another. I don't have much choice other than to trust that life, God, the universe, whatever you want to call it, will work things out for my son as well.

So easy to say, so hard to do though, isn't it? I'm glad you posted, we can commiserate together!

[Love]

Hi Patty.

It comes across very strongly that you want your son to succeed. You can communicate that to him, and show that to him, and continually find ways to improve your technique, but it is still up to him. I know many teenagers (I teach) who fit the characteristics of your son. In my experience, it is quite a shock once they realize that it is completely up to them to make it happen. I say let the shock come. After the shock the response is most important. Your son may re-evaluate what he has done and figure out what he needs to do. If that's true, great. And if he does not figure it out by himself, he may be in a more receptive position to aid. I say let the shock come. Shock is an effective teacher.