Hopeless situation

[fixthis4me]

Hey everyone.I found this site by a Google search on life sucks.I'm so tired of my self,my living death and ever being born.Here's a few details.I've been married for 39 years which I know most people would say wow to.Well,it isn't wow to me.The last 15 years are like I'm married to a different person.I realize you will tell me to get out,but listen on.My wife has never drove a car,never worked outside the home,and cares nothing for making love.Now,my predicament is this.I'm just tired of everything in life,including fishing,hunting,metal detecting,and sight seeing.All these things I used to enjoy.My wife is a great home maker,but I can do all that myself.I need companionship and intimacy.I need someone to enjoy the things I enjoy.Another problem,more severe than the other.I was a christian for 40 years,a pastor for 7 years,and now I don't even accept the bible as from God.This is extremely difficult for me,as my life was centered on this abiding hope which I no longer have.I've been in a suicidal state for about 2 years now.A day does not pass that I don't think of ending my existence.I have it all figured out,but thought I would plea for help one last time.Back to my wife.There is no way I can leve her.She is very dependent on me as a child is dependent on parents.Besides,we have no money,we owe a mortage,and I could not support two households.And I have the problem of not having it within myself to do this to her.I would rather leave life,even though I know this would be excruciating for her.But at least I won't know it.Now one more issue.I truly love someone else,whom I cannot have,as she is married.Her feelings are not the same for me as far as I know.But I'm obsessed.This is just one more stake in my heart and I'm really very,very tired of it all.Too much confusion in my mind.Too much heartache and misery.Anyway,if some of you out there in cyber land can help,I'm listening.

[Dan.Linehan]

Well, I see this as three separate issues.

1. Your relationship with your wife is not fulfilling.

2. You don't love your life.

3. You are having a spiritual crisis of sorts.

Here's what I would do.

1. It's time to make a decision about how to evolve your relationship with your wife. This requires that you be honest with her about the situation you've found yourself in. You need more companionship and intimacy, but you're not able to tell her that you need those things. Why? Do you feel guilty about wanting companionship and intimacy? Why? Are you scared to tell her that you need those things? Why?

There is no need to feel guilty about this. Companionship and intimacy are good things! We aren't here to be alone and depressed, but to be loved, and to share our love. Feeling trapped and afraid, like you are feeling now, is a bad feeling. Tell your wife how you feel. You are a very authentic and genuine person, and hiding these feelings inside yourself is killing you. There is no need for that. Stop hiding, please.

2. You don't love your life because you aren't being true to yourself. You need to get real. Be honest! It may hurt at first, and it may take some practice, being honest is a continuous learning experience. But hiding your true self and the love you have to share is no way to live.

3. You're having a spiritual crisis, because, well, the Bible has some very mixed messages. They are all over the place in there.

I would recommend checking out A Course In Miracles. It is a much better source to help understand Jesus's teachings of love and peace than the Bible. ACIM is all online at that link, but I would buy the real book too so you can read it anywhere and do the exercises.

All the best on your journey fixthis4me. I know you'll be able to reconnect to your authentic self again very soon.

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

Love and warm wishes,