Early Changes

[Tangerinetangent]

I "stumbled" upon Steve Pavlina's article about sleep pattern two weeks ago. (late march, 2008)--literally stumbled. I came across it from my "StumbleUpon" account, because one of my interests is health/fitness, and sleep. I am so grateful that I came to his site, and believe that it could possibly be more meaningful than a randomly generated page...
I first started out reading just the "how to become an early-riser." I read it, believed in the sense of it, and thought of a friend of mine who is a perfect real-life example of the early-riser idea. Being at a competitive program as a college freshman, my schedule has been all over the place in the last...seven months since i came to school. I am still currently working on becoming an early-riser, but am confident that i can succeed.
I noticed after a few days that there were dozens more blogs to be read....and thus my reading began.

I could not have picked a better time to have found such an uplifting and motivating site...This February, my dad told my mother that he was in love with another woman, and that he didn't want to be married anymore, after 25 years of marriage. My two older sisters and I were devastated and confused, considering it seemed like such a soap-opera style shocker. I have since discovered that my dad cheated on my mom ages before, after the oldest, Caitlin was born, AND that two of my uncles have had similar cheating episodes but instead stayed together with their wives, deciding to keep it hush-hush rather than tell everyone in the church and school community, like my mom has felt the need to. Caitlin broke up with her high school/college boyfriend of 5 years (they started senior year of h.s. and made it through college before deciding they were not on the same page anymore) back in December, and I have just now broken the heart of my boyfriend of three years, also from my high school. We have had many ups and downs, and I'm still very muddled about what to do...he does not want anything to do with me right now, which i understand...but I miss his friendship at the very least, and wish I could talk to him sometimes.

Unfortunately, part of the reason we broke up was because i expressed interest in another guy here at my school (my boyfriend goes to another college)...I had decided to stick with my boyfriend, but he does not trust me at all now, and does not understand how i could have possibly ever loved him. I'm simplifying all of this, of course, but I can't even begin to get into all the issues. The worst part is that I felt like i inherited my father's "cheating gene" or something, and that I will inevitably mess up every relationship i get into. I am trying to release this mindset, as it is clearly negative and unhealthy, but I am still also struggling with how to move forward in terms of my ...ex...boyfriend. wow, it feels weird to say ex.

I look forward to being a part of this forum, and having a support system, as well as Steve's messages of inspiration to get me through. And don't worry, I also have a system of sisters and friends to talk to as well.

This is a time of MANY changes, and momentous ones at that, but I believe I am ready to take them on, with help and support. Wish me luck on my journey!

[Dan.Linehan]

Hi Tangerinetangent, welcome to the forums!

Thanks for joining, and thanks for sharing so many of the things you've been going through lately too. It sounds like you've been going through a lot, but it sounds like you've been learning a lot too, so congrats on that.

One day you'll be grateful that you had to learn so much so quickly. All of this may have taken some people decades to figure out. You're be way ahead of the game.

So, it sounds like you think your Dad was very wrong for what he did to your family. I just wanted to say a few words about that.

In my opinion, people should to have the freedom to pursue what will make them happy in life, as long as they aren't causing harm to anyone else in the process. That holds true in relationships as well.

In my own personal experience, happiness isn't always found through explicit monogamy, nor sexual deprivation, no matter how much as society or religion try to push that idea. The thought process that says relationships are either strictly "monogamous" or else someone is "cheating" is a fallacious one. Reality is hardly that simple.

"Absolute chastity" and "depraved promiscuity" are two totally opposite ends of the spectrum, with a world of choices to be found in between. "Monogamy" and "cheating" aren't the only two options, not by a long shot. You can't artificially discount people's free will, or proceed to vilify them if they (or you) choose to seek a middle path.

Your Dad wanted to be with someone else. So, maybe the next twenty years will be much happier for him because he allowed himself to pursue that decision. Or maybe not. Either way, assuming he is genuinely trying to build a life he loves, I'm not sure how you can fault him for it. What would be the greater good of him sacrificing years of his life in a situation that didn't bring him the joy or love he is looking for? Would it have been better for anyone if he stayed in a situation he wasn't happy with?

The issue that your Dad decided to split up with your Mom is distinct from the decision he made to lie about it. When you have an agreement with someone, that agreement is very much like a contract, in that you are saying that you will do your best to make whatever you agreed upon happen, no matter what. If you've agreed to monogamy in your relationship, cheating is a serious breach of that contract. Its breaking the contract then pretending you didn't. No good. For the record, I don't condone anyone cheating, or lying in general. I do tend to believe, however, that cheating is much more of a manifestation of feeling trapped in a relationship than it is of any sort of malice, which is how many people try to characterize it.

With you and your ex-boyfriend, ask yourself, could you have helped feeling attracted to that other person? Probably not. Attraction is attraction, in my experience. It just happens. Still, your ex made you feel guilty about it. Why?

As far as I can tell, you did exactly the right thing. You told your boyfriend the truth, which was probably very hard to do. He had a very negative reaction to it, but you couldn't control that. If anything, he should trust you more, because you told him the truth. Why more could you do?

As far as the cheating gene, look at it this way. Your Dad, even at his age, is just trying to do things in his life that will will him feel loved, fulfilled and happy. It was probably very hard for him to be honest with himself about what some of those things were. Not to mention how hard it was for him to tell your Mom, knowing full well that she would react with a full on victim mentality, and a public one at that. But your Dad doesn't sound like a villain to me, even though he may be getting vilified a bit right now. And holding onto a belief that people should only be attracted to one person for the rest of their lives, or else they are cheating, is, in my opinion, not the best approach.

Be honest about what your attractions are, and shape your relationships around those. Then if something needs to change, change it. That goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.