Intellect Anxiety

[Char]

Hello,

This is my first post. I entered some words in google looking for a forum related to what I might be dealing with and this forum appeared. So here I am, hoping this doesn't sound ridiculous. However I think if I can feel this way, just maybe someone else out there does as well.

I am almost 34 and have extreme insecurities about not feeling smart. I am very outgoing and have lots of friends and have always been known as the party girl, still seem to have that label and at 34 I want to be more then that. I am very comfortable in social situations, but I am not comfortable anymore with me and who I am at this juncture of my life.

As I grow older I get more of a complex about not feeling very intellectual which is starting to cause me social anxiety for the first time. I grew up struggling with school. I was diagnosed with a learning disability and never was good at studying. Not only was I challenged by school but I didn't care about school. I was more into the social aspect. Once I hit 25 years old I slowly started being concerned with the fact that I want to know more and be more and now I am practically debilitated by this insecurity.

I have gone through periods of trying to attempt going back to school as I never attended college and then would lose interest again and go back to partying. Its been like this for years and I don't understand why I am not willing to work harder to make changes. I think I have a hard time with the thought of hard work. I get overwhelmed and want to give up and feel like I will be unable to succeed.

I must state however that I am proud of myself as I went to night school for 3 years earning a certificate in Human Resource Management and was in the field for a few years until I realized it wasn't all I thought it was. Now at 34 I feel that I lack so much, I feel I know nothing about anything. I am scared of being with other adults and converstaions arising about political or any type of worldly events. That is probably a bit extreme, but its how I feel. Stupid! I am starting to close up around people because I am so consumed by it that it makes me nervous in social situations. The older you get the harder it is to get away with acting silly, and just being known as a partier. I feel that people would expect much more of me, more worldly at this time and I want to be but its hard for me to learn, understand and retain. I subscribed to Newsweek recently and try and watch the news everyday. I read a lot more and constantly look up words I am unfamiliar with. I am taking strides to self teach but at 34 I feel like I have to self teach in so many areas going way back because I never focused before.

This insecurity has been apparent to others. Its affected my relationships with men I have met because they see the lack of confidence in me and things end up never working out. I just wish I could put something in me that would make me smart and be able to retain and recall everything I see and read. I want to feel that I can hold my own in a room of adults, in situations that include discussion and debate in important areas. The few areas I am knowledgeable about, mainly understanding and reading people, I am very passionate about. If there is anything I do know and feel strong about I am quite passionate but feel I am limited to expressing my passion because my lack of knowledge, smarts.

I am scared to even ask questions to anythinbg that doesn't make sense to me for fear I look dumb. I just smile and nodd even when I am clueless to the topic because of fear of letting on I don't have a clue what someone is talking about. How did I get this extreme phobia and how do I fix it? I am again making efforts but it will take a lot for me to really deal with this on the level I feel it and I can't fix it by becoming smart over night.

I apologize for the novel but does anyone by chance understand this in any way? I would love to hear from you. If you took the time to read all of this, Thank you immensely!

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving to you all

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Char

Its been like this for years and I don't understand why I am not willing to work harder to make changes. I think I have a hard time with the thought of hard work. I get overwhelmed and want to give up and feel like I will be unable to succeed.

Hello Char

Happy Thanksgiving!

I can sense your anxiety in your post too. You must be feeling terrible, aren't you? Here's some hugs for you to make you feel better. Actually if you look around, there are many people who care as much for you whether or not you are as intellectually-smart as them or not.

Originally Posted by Char

I want to feel that I can hold my own in a room of adults, in situations that include discussion and debate in important areas. The few areas I am knowledgeable about, mainly understanding and reading people, I am very passionate about.

Socialising is not about who is smarter or who has more knowledge to share, though it is good to know some for better conversation.

How do you define whether the topic is important or not? The fact they are discussing it only shows their interest, or hey, probably it's only one person's interest and he is babbling on how much he knows about that. Maybe he only knows about that particular topic?

How about working on your passion first? Because learning takes on a faster and much enjoyable level when it is something you are passionate about. Make yourself an "expert" in an area, or two maybe.

Take baby steps along the way. It'll be too overwhelming to want to be a master of all trades in such a short time, and it dilutes your focus, so you may end up jack of all trades master of none!

You may like to catch yourself with those negative thoughts eveytime you say them in your head, and replace with positive ones. Just a simple switch in mindset will have a direct impact on you already.

You can actually pick up lots of information and gain your knowledge through reading (of course), forums (like this) and watching certain quality TV programmes. Some niche magazines have excellent stuff to read too.

I'm sure there are more methods and suggestions, maybe I'll write a post on this too. Hmm ...

[mrpinto]

Hi Char, Happy Thanksgiving!

First of all, think positive! I'm sure that you know far more than you think that you do. The first step, in my humble opinion, is to accept yourself for who you are right now, without judging.

Beyond that, while there's no way to ever learn as much as there is to know, there's one easy way to learn a new thing every day: read. Try setting aside 30 minutes a day for reading, and start hunting for books that will help you grow as a person. What kind of books? Whatever strikes your fancy. You could read a biography of Winston Churchill (leader of England during World War II), or a piece on the literary influences of Shakespeare, or a book on Buddhism. Just find something that intrigues you and get started there. You could even run a simple query on Wikipedia and see where the links there take you.

The thing is, learning is addictive. Once you start down the path of reading 30 minutes a day, each day will open up new directions for your mind to expand. At some point you may feel that it's appropriate for you to go through formal education, or maybe you'll never feel that way. Regardless of your path, you should feel more stimulated as a thinker.

Now, I'm off to take my own advice and do some reading... =)

[Alvin]

Hello Char,

Nice to meet you, hope to see you around the forums more

What's that you say? Human Resource Management? Oh yes, sounds interesting. Hmm? Oh yes, of course, I completely agree. Erm? What? Oh er...I...don't really have any idea what Human Resource Management is all about. Sorry

I don't remember which famous person got hauled up into a courtroom to be grilled again and again in a story made famous, because this very successful person replied again and again 'I don't know.'

People were aghast at how this very successful man didn't know so many things!

Until his own attorney came up to cross-examine him and asked; 'What do you do when you don't know all these things?'

He said; in the line that's made him immortal; 'I just pick up the phone and call someone who does.'

Maybe some of the smarter forummers here will know recognize this story and remember who this very successful person was

But tell you what, ask me about NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and I can talk you up a storm

[alsy]

I also use to be self critical and afraid to express or share because of what I thought people may think. I still experience it but far more mildly now. I am becoming more aware of it. When I do, I have the choice to make more sense of it by observing it from a different point and make a better decision about what I will do or say. Different people think different things. So if you try to please one person, there is bound to be someone else you can not please. In the end, all I experienced was warring within myself, and just plain unhappy. Feel pleased with yourself first, and then decide what you really would like to do.
Don’t worry about age. Seriously!!! Age is only a number until you give it importance. In which case it would govern your life. Do you want to run your life (with a greater ease), or do you want a number & other people to run the show. You have already taken the steps to increase your knowledge, but don’t do it for security. Only do it because you want to do it. (just my opinion)

You already have a skill, which few people possess. You have a passion about it, AND you recognize it. That’s a GREAT start.

• Have you ever thought of your skill as dynamic intelligence?

Wether you are reading, & or receiving it intuitively through 1 or more faculties, it does not matter. It is information, comprehension, understanding etc that is comming to you. We are all evolving in discovering and working with our inner abilities, so dont be hard on yourself.

I use to also think like you in my early twenties. (“ I don’t have knowledge to share or hold an intelligent conversation”,, blah, blah,,,) I have over the past few years, begun to recognize that intelligence is not just at the level of memory and intellect.
When I do find myself in conversations that are outside of my knowledge, I listen to the conversation. If I listen to the self criticism, the conversation falls to the background and I miss out. I ask questions, and I learn from people too. Over time, this ads to my knowledge base. I approach them with a genuine desire to know and I don’t recall anyone ever having a problem with my questions. Even if it happens to be something that many people in that circle may be familiar with, people don’t mind. People don’t mind talking about their passion. If you are OK with people, and most importantly yourself, people will be OK with you.
Each one of us likes different things, and gets involved in different things, and has therefore a different knowledge base. If you wanted broader knowledge, you really don’t need to become an expert in other people’s passions and expertise or specific areas of interest.

That’s my perspective on some of what I relate to from my life.

[Susie]

Don't forget that nobody likes a know-it all.

Who cares if you don't know much about politics? I personally gave up closely following that years ago and while I do have a bare-skeleton knowledge of what's going on, I'm perfectly content to remain basically ignorant. I'll leave it to the people who actually care. Of course it's good to know basic things like the name of the Vice President ...but I wouldn't torture yourself learning intricacies of politics if you don't really care. (I typically find political conversation to be on the same level as idle gossip).

Also try to remember that people usually won't dislike you for knowing less than them, in fact it will probably make them feel good about themselves if they know more. Surveys show that men prefer to be more intelligent than their partners. Now I'm not saying that's a good thing, but men typically aren't going to be threatened by someone who knows LESS than they do, usually it's a problem if a woman knows more (I'm speaking generally and of course various levels of insecurity play into this).

That said it's great that you want to improve your knowledge-base. My knowledge of history was practically non-existant until I took a European History course-- now it feels great to know what people are talking about when they mention 1917. So I'm not knocking self-education. Take in what interests you, and what sticks, sticks, what doesn't, doesn't-- and at least those things you do remember will be things that you didn't know before. Good luck!

[Fortune]

Some comments:

1) Intellectuals are annoying. As the saying goes: "intellectuals are people who are educated beyond their intelligence". From your description, you appear to be a people person. They're much more interesting. You don't need to become someone else.

2) Stop worrying about what others may or may not think about you. If you don't know something, simply state that you don't know it. Don't feel guilty about it. It's not a confession, just a fact. No one knows everything (except intellectuals, who at least believe they do). Ask the other person to explain it. If they won't, then they either don't understand it themselves, or they're just nasty. Don't doubt yourself. Be confident when you speak up. If you're wrong, someone will point it out and you'll have learned something. There's nothing wrong with having the mindset of a "beginner", and beginners are allowed to mess up. In fact, once you get rid of that mindset, you become complacent and nasty yourself.

3) You don't need to go to school to learn stuff. Read books, check out Wikipedia (lots of stuff to learn there), browse the net. School just gets you a certificate, and you don't need that, because you no longer care about how others judge you.

4) Take it easy on yourself. You're already pretty cool. Feel good about your accomplishments, forget about your failures. In fact, from now on failure is no longer a bad thing. Put yourself in a perpetual state of learning -- now when you're wrong that just means you learned something. So it's good to be wrong!

Hope it helps!

[Char]

I read every single reply and appreciated all of your words of wisdom. I felt a lot better when reading the in depth responses and I understand what each of you were saying. I am excited to continue this path of continual self learning and will attempt to be more positive. Thanks to forums such as this, it helps to speak with others who understand and support you. I will enjoy being a member of this forum ongoing.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Alvin

He said; in the line that's made him immortal; 'I just pick up the phone and call someone who does.'

Erh ok..so may I have your phone number please?? hahaha

Originally Posted by Char

I read every single reply and appreciated all of your words of wisdom. I felt a lot better when reading the in depth responses and I understand what each of you were saying. I am excited to continue this path of continual self learning and will attempt to be more positive. Thanks to forums such as this, it helps to speak with others who understand and support you. I will enjoy being a member of this forum ongoing.

Hey Char, I am excited that you are getting excited to continue this path of continual learning which you know as well as I do that you have already started, knowing and unknowingly, consciously and subconsciously, which led to your temporary state of confusion, isn't it so?

haha, ok. Short and sweet - your journey is gonna be a very fruitful, exciting and happy one. And we're all here doing the same things, aren't we?