New Guy in Big Trouble needs Guidance!

[john90430]

Hello to everyone here!

I apologize for introducing myself in such a negative light, but I do need help, and if this is truly a forum comprised of "Smart People," then surely someone will have some useful advice. I sorely need it!

I will do my best to condense my situation into as concise a story as possible.
Several years ago, my wife (and the mother of our two children) got involved in drugs. In hindsight, which is always 20/20, it was obvious. At the time, however, I didn't recognise it - I thought we were just drifting apart in our relationship, or that she was suffering a midlife crisis, or...
Around the first of this year, she announced she was quitting her job due to "office politics" and that she was instead going to work for/with her sister who is in real estate. I later discovered that she had been embezzling, that her supervisors had discovered it, and that she had been promised that she would be okay (not charged or prosecuted) if she resigned immediately.
Nevertheless, she has been charged, and indicted, and is awaiting whatever arrangement can be made between our attorney and the prosecutor. It doesn't look good, because she has a prior conviction of something similar from twenty-some years ago (long before we even met) which doesn't sit well with the prosecution.
Any savings we had have been used for Bail Bond and attorney fees.
Without income from her, the mortgage on the house is months behind because the monthly payments are way over my salary - foreclosure seems imminent, and the date of a tax-lien sale has come and gone. Car payments are behind as well. Her car is in reposession, I fear mine will be as well shortly. Many other creditors are calling, too many to list. Even my driver's license is under suspension, from unpaid parking tickets that my wife got because her car is registered in my name, and the money isn't there to pay the tickets.
I can't sell the house - it has no kitchen! We "gutted" it completely, just before all this happened, in anticipation of remodelling it.

I realise my part in this now. Steve's website has been instumental in my understanding that it was wrong for me to:
A.) Delegate all responsibility for the finances of the family to my wife, even though she all but demanded control from the beginning.
B.) Let the family be in the position where it relied on both of our incomes to survive, particularly with her income being the greater of the two.

Be that as it may, I am now in a situation that I find overwhelming. At the end of the day I am spiritually, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from all the worry associated with my situation. The kids and I eat a fast-food dinner because we have no kitchen, and not enough money for something better. I can't help them with homework - I just don't have the energy. I do some house cleaning and laundry and then drop into bed and pass-out.

What I need is some real-world advice, what to do to get out of this bind (these binds).

Can anyone out there help me?

Thanks,
John

[Jennihul]

Actually, there was nothing ultimately wrong with delegating financial responsibilities to one person in the household and there was nothing wrong with relying on two incomes.

All the other choices you made were wrong.

Have you considered a consultation with some legitimate credit counseling service? (Beware the term "non-profit." They all seem to claim that but somehow they are making money.)

Jennifer

[DrMartinRussell]

Hi John,

Your post is a remarkably resilient one. You obviously have been doing a lot of resorting about this. Unlike Jennihul I agree with your self-assessment.

However as **** as it all seems, it also seems like the darkest days may still be ahead.

You don't have the finances sorted out, and this may mean bankruptcy so certainly get someone else in your corner who you can trust and do it real quick for your own peace of mind.

In keeping it brief for us you don't explain where the kids are at, where the relationship/marriage is at, and where your wife's addiction is at. I don't assume any of them, except perhaps the kids, are good. I'm sure you had different plans for how you wanted to be with your kids during these years with them, so they may be accepting of it, but you probably won't have been.

You'll be back to priorities. Probably kids and you first (they will recall those precious moments together years later - even if it involves fast-food :-), finances and house second (practicalities need a realistic plan including worst-case scenarios not just wishful thinking), and wife after that (she has to help herself, and you need to make sure you are not allowing her to shirk her responsibilities eg in being honest with herself and others AA style.)

Welcome to StevePavlina.com John!

[Guardian Angel]

Hi John! Sorry to hear your story, but as I understand your post, you cannot add problems to your existing ones. Don't give up, man! There are other people who has worst problems than yours. Anyway, I think the best advise I can give you know is energize yourself. If you do, then you can start to think smarter decisions, then consider time management. First things first. Do not cry over a spilled milk. Moreover, take good care of your kids! Use them as your inspiration to move on...

[Holistic Star]

Sorry to hear your situation.

I don't know what the legal situation where you are is. In the UK if you get into trouble you can get help, the banks may freeze your debt and accept a repayment plan offer from you.

To do this you need to get together all the paperwork you have and find out how bad the situation is. What money do you have coming in. What bills can be consolidated?

You may be able to sell your house even without the kitchen completed. Don't rule that out as a possibility. Property developers or people who were going to gut whatever kitchen you put in as they had their own ideas of dream kitchen may all be interested in a house without a kitchen.

What does your wife say in all of this? How do you want your relationship to progress with her? How does she see the way forward with you? What does she have to say about her previous behaviour?

You both need legal and financial advise. I would imagine your wife could do with some kind of therapy help too. Please find out if there are local services who can help you as it is a big problem to deal with on your own.

[john90430]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind advise.
I don't have internet access at home anymore, and my computer at work is sort of "on display," so I was unable to reply in a timely fashion...

I have concluded that I will need to declare bankruptcy. As soon as possible.

My wife SEEMS to be clean so far, as evidenced by her behavioral changes, and relative emotional stability. However, being a recovered drug addict myself, I am well aware how skilled one can become at covering one's addiction. I remain healthily sceptical and keep myself attuned for signs of relapse.

My wife, understandably, is scared half to death. She faces significant jail time unless, by some miracle, the prosecutor softens and allows some alternative such as probation or immediate parole. The scariest part is that she is physically tiny. Inmates would likely abuse her in ways I don't want to think about.

The kids are with me. They are the one driving force that keeps me grounded through all of this. Paradoxically, while my responsibility for them is daunting - to the point that oten I wish I could run away and disappear, my responsibility for them is the very thing that keeps me from giving up!

Guardian Angel, you suggested I "energize myself." How, exactly, do I do that? I sure could use a large increase in my energy level!

Dr Martin Russell, I thank you. You are a voice of reason. I have a co-worker who is very good at looking at things realistically, but it's good to hear it from another source.

I'll update you all on my situation when more happens.

Again, thank you.

John

[DrMartinRussell]

All the best John.

We look forward to hearing an update as you go (and as you get internet access opportunities.)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

John, in interest of keeping you with us I just wanted to point out that most public libraries offer free internet access. You might be able to take the kids for story time and handle some things online at the same time. Good free fun for the kids too.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, but you seem very clear headed and determined to make it work for your kids. I believe you will do well. Best wishes.

[Gene]

I would like to add my voice to those who are encouraging you to look toward the future with hope. As bad as your situation seems nothing lasts forever and in all probability the present is survivable and the future can become much better than you may now think.

keep the faith in a positive outcome and keep coming back here for support as well as finding positive people in other places to add to your support group.

[Gamediva2112]

Originally Posted by Guardian Angel

Hi John! Sorry to hear your story, but as I understand your post, you cannot add problems to your existing ones. Don't give up, man! There are other people who has worst problems than yours. Anyway, I think the best advise I can give you know is energize yourself. If you do, then you can start to think smarter decisions, then consider time management. First things first. Do not cry over a spilled milk. Moreover, take good care of your kids! Use them as your inspiration to move on...

Eeek! There are people with worse problems than these? These are pretty horrific! Take Angel's advise on taking care of yourself, eating well (canned tuna, raw fruits and veggies do not require any kitchen and will really support you emotionally with all those good vitamins!) and sleeping plenty. If you get sick you will be less able to cope.

I think you need to see your assets as already gone. It might have been a fire or a hurricane, but it wasn't. It was drug abuse. It has been just as devastating. You need to stop focusing on what you are losing and start visualizing yourself rebuilding your life all over. Clean slate. Fresh start. Bankruptcy is a good choice for you. Sell some furniture and antiques so you can pay the attorneys to file for you. Its all just stuff anyway. Sell it off. If you are like the rest of us, you probably needed to de-clutter anyway.

If you haven't already, stop servicing unsecured debt. Close the checking accounts (which are easily seized) and use cash only. Are you ready to move? You will need money for deposits. I suggest catching up the utility bills only (lose the phone) and keep money on hand for healthy food. If you have pets, you may need to find them homes, for now, anyway. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

I also think it would be a good idea for your wife to go live with relatives for a while so you can have some breathing room without her drama constantly draining you. If she does have to do some time, embezzlers get notoriously light sentences (Enron) and would no doubt go to minimum security jail with other non-dangerous women. There is a great deal of effort made to separate the dangerous from the non-dangerous populations.

You are going to find out just how strong you are. You can do this. And don't be afraid to ask your friends for help!

Thinking of you!

GD

[john90430]

Believe it or not, yes, there are people with worse problems. I have come to be grateful I don't have some of those worse problems! Think about worst-case scenario health issues.

If my furniture was worth much (it isn't, it's mostly IKEA) or if I had any antiques, sure, I would sell them. De-clutter, yes, but I don't think I'll get any money out of my clutter. At least the garbage pick-up isn't a cancellable service!

I really don't have any unsecured debt. Just the mortgage and the car. Will bankruptcy do anything to help restructure mortgage payments? If I could re-finance just the principle over a 30-year mortgage, I think I could swing it. I know I have to do something right away, but something is holding me back. Fear of the unknown? An unwillingness to let go? Something else I cannot identify? I suppose it could be that I just don't want to lose the house. It's only a tiny run-down shack of a house, but it's my children's home...

My wife is already with her sister, a good distance away. She comes for weekends or special functions relating to the kids. It is good to have that "breathing room," but that leaves me to care for the kids by myself. Everthing is a trade-off.

More to come, must feed the kids now.

Thanks again to all of you,
John

[DrMartinRussell]

Originally Posted by john90430

If I could re-finance just the principle over a 30-year mortgage, I think I could swing it. I know I have to do something right away, but something is holding me back. Fear of the unknown? An unwillingness to let go? Something else I cannot identify?

How about start with the first one - fear of the unknown?

Make it known ie get experienced advice, preferably with at least a second opinion. Chat with the kids about it as much as they can work with.

As you say, everything is a trade-off. Just get the best forewarning of what you are actually trading.

[Ninja]

Can you find a way too cook yourself? In someone elses kitchen perhaps? fast food is bad for you and your children, it will drain you of your energy and it's expensive. Three problems you really don't need at this point. If you want your car to get you home, you can't fuel it with mud. Your health (and that of your kids) is the most important thing you have left and you're going to need all the energy you can get to improve your situation.

[john90430]

Well, that's a new one. While I will admit to the occaisional suicidal thought, I hadn't considered cooking myself. Perhaps if I could find an institutional size microwave that I could climb inside...
All kidding aside, we often go to my parents' house for dinner. For that I am grateful. The downside is the shame I feel while in their presence; they know of much of my trouble, but not all of it. They wish they could help, but they are retired and on a fixed income.
Speaking of trouble, my car was repossessed Sunday night. After contacting the finance company Monday morning, I have faxed to them (at their request) copies of my last pay stub, and a declaration page for the auto insurance. They will now consider reinstating the loan and returning the car. For now I am driving my mother's car.
I should have filed for bankruptcy already. That would have prevented the repossession. I'm kicking myself now, because I don't think it would be wise to initiate bankruptcy proceedings while the car is in their possession.
I think I will talk to a bankruptcy lawyer about it as soon as possible.

Thanks again to everyone for your support!

John

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

John, I am glad to hear from you. I wasn't sure you were going to give an update. I am sorry to hear about your car being reposessed, but it seems you really have already taken steps to get that back. Definitely talk to a professional about your options and try not to feel ashamed in front of your parents. I bet they are happy to get to see you and the kids often and be able to help out.

Keep us posted. I know it's tough, but you can come out of this stronger.

We are here if you need to talk.