newcomer, ready to turn my life around, any advice gratefully received!

[iarlaitha]

Hello everyone

I have been reading the blog entries and forum for about 6 months now and I have been trying to implement positive changes. I am Irish but living in Southern Europe - I am enrolled on a graduate study course but on a very low income at present which I need to change, and also pretty isolated. I have suffered from chronic PTSD for many years, but I think the mistake I have made is to try to solve the past rather than just moving forward. I have realised that I was not following my bliss - I have only just started to ask myself the question "what brings me joy". I have started to paint, I have ambitions to write and to see whether I can switch the research I am doing to something closer to my joy. I find it very hard to make decisions, and in bad patches (like now) I become very concerned about what others think of me, and I do not seem able to get anything done: to the extent of hardly leaving my room and just being overwhelmed with negative thoughts and sadness. Over the summer I began to realise what things bring me joy - but since i returned to the university i have been experiencing a slide backwards. I have a mindfulness therapist and I enjoy meditating. On my lowest moments I feel as if the past is so messed up that there is no way that any of my ambitions can be fulfilled in this life.

At the moment I am concerned that many good things are passing me by because I am not acting productively - I am hardly living at all. Perhaps I should instigate a programme of meditation and exercise (I already eat very healthily) and a strict schedule to get me into the zone of productivity? Perhaps I need you all to keep an eye on me? My goals are to see whether the current research brings me true joy - and whether moving would assist me in my ambitions, also I aim to write a film review I have been commissioned to do, contact various people who could provide me with work for an increased income, and I would like to do something with the novel I have been intending to work on.

It is as if I can see what is wrong (for example inaction) but I cannot change the behaviour - so how can I change my insights into action?

I would be so grateful for any assistance!

Iarlaitha

[jennymannion]

Hi iarlaitha,
You are on the right path with knowing WHAT you want to change and by having ambitions.

Change is an adjustment but it doesn't have to be "hard". I think implementing some new positive habits and sticking to them would go a long way for you. Also, you do have to "let go" of the past and realize it is what you do now that is important.

When I found the law of attraction and personal development tools I was very ill physically and in chronic pain. I now maintain a blog on healing naturally and tools that can help you in that regard. Forgiveness of myself for the past was a biggie for me and it helped me to move forward. I had already lost time being ill and being upset with myself for that time ill wasn't going to help move me forward. I welcome private emails and would tell you a bit more in detail about the steps that helped me get out of chronic pain and into the best emotional and physical shape of my life.

I wish you all the best.
Jenny
jennymannion@yahoo.com
Heal Pain Naturally

[neilsattin]

Hi Iarlaitha,

I absolutely agree with jenny that it sounds like you have awareness, which is probably the most important step in terms of eliciting change. Often I think that the steps to change come directly from that awareness, because you just can't do the same ol' thing any more without having it register, internally - which makes you start looking for alternatives.

As for practical suggestions, here are a few (other than being here, in a supportive community - which you have already done for yourself!):

1. Absolutely some "exercise". Getting your blood pumping will also release endorphins, which is nature's way of keeping you out of depression's grip. The exercise could just be a brisk walk - since you're already conscious of your mindfulness, the walk would also be a good time to check in with nature/the world around you - just taking it all in as you increase your heartrate.
2. Gratitude en route. While you're walking, there are a couple exercises you could try when you feel like taking a break from mindfulness. ( ). One is to just keep listing things (aloud) that you're grateful for, in your life, or in the world around you. Another is to give voice to all of your wants/desires for yourself. In either case, I think it's helpful, like Steve's exercise on finding your higher purpose, to go past the point where you run out of things to say - something "else" takes over when your ego runs out of words.
3. Start Small. Don't try to make too many changes all at once. Make a change, get used to it, make another change. Eventually you'll feel like taking on more - when you're craving MORE, then do more.
4. Random thought - see if there are any floatation centers nearby. I've found that floatation is a great way to experience a shift in consciousness, and it's had a documented effect on depression - and it allows you a space to focus on your creativity. Check out Floatation.com - Home for a start on finding something local to you. I know it's random, but it's worth it. I have a tank, and just about everyone who's used it has had a very positive experience.
5. Forgiveness. In terms of "letting go of the past" - as Jenny mentioned - I personally think that Forgiveness is the biggest step. Express your anger first, if you have to - forgiveness allows you to release that anger, accept what's happened (even if it freakin' sucks!), and move on. It's a step that really honors yourself in a powerful way.

I hope that this list of suggestions is helpful for you, Iarlaitha. You're taking the right steps, it sounds like - and your participation here (and in communities in person where you are) will definitely support you in your action.

Take care, and feel free to contact me directly if you'd like.
Neil
Neil Sattin.com - Getting to the Heart of Personal Development
Welcome to the Natural Dog Training Blog - Natural Dog Training Blog

[iarlaitha]

Thank you Neil and Jenny: I may certainly take you up on your offer of getting in touch. I think your suggestions are fabulous and give me great impetus to continue.

The first steps I will take will certainly be better sleeping hours (I am anxious at night due to triggers from the past, so I hope that the anxiety will dissipate) and also exercise; perhaps just dancing to positive music every day to begin with. I already practice a kind of gratitude en route, but I have never stated my desires and wants out loud until the ego "runs out" :-)

I am yet to find a flotation centre, but I have made some enquiries.

I am working to accept the past - in fact I was trying to deny that I suffered at all so the first step has been to actually acknowledge what I have experienced - and now I am not sure whether I need to express the anger (outrage) towards specific people in order to be able to honour my best interests, or whether just trying to move on will be enough.

Bless you for your wonderful support!

Iarlaitha

[BlueCrane]

Living in southern Europe you might speak some German, Iarlaitha - I have just written about life transitions on my blog, giving a few tips how to manage them best. I am at the tail end of a major one myself right now.

[iarlaitha]

Hi everyone - i am afraid i had a difficult time (a rather unfortunate accident) and I ended up offline for some time: but that is all OK now.

Interesting things have happened since I last posted: I finally had the insight that there would be no hollywood ending to the issues around my family (they probably won't one day apologise for the things that were done to me and suddenly have a moment of insight and I can't keep my life on hold waiting for that - or spend my time beating myself up thinking "if only i could confront them with it, it would all be OK") this was a good thing as it is as if I was blaming myself for a lack of resolution - and waiting for some kind of approval from them to allow myself to live joyfully and consciously. So I am really setting out on this path alone. I do seem to have this blocked up anger and disappointment in myself - and I can see that this pattern has repeated - the bullying I received as a child from my family and elsewhere has been repeated in current relationships - the last two years I have been bullied and (sexually) harassed by a colleague and all I do is avoid where he might be rather than standing up to him. I would like to really increase my courage, my personal protection and really concentrate on my own personal space and increase my confidence. there are some good opportunities around but I am concerned that I will miss out because I feel so scattered and unfocused.

Recently I have found greater recognition for my creative work, but although I have basically stopped doing the university work and am not even present it seems as if I am holding off doing what I really want to do and I am having trouble being certain as to what I really truly want to do and many of the deadlines are coming soon. I have been rather distracted while trying to find paying work to support myself (and places to stay) during this transitional time. I know the various creative projects I want to do but I seem to lack the drive and focus to do them. I want to transfer my postgrad course to something which will move me towards doing the things which I really love and the deadlines are approaching for that so I hope that I will have the courage to stop the postgrad course in Southern Europe, apply for jobs and also apply for new graduate programmes and funding.

In particular I have had trouble with other people because I am now trying to redefine myself: and some people have been trying to diminish me -and somehow I let them do it and tend to believe their thoughts about me (for example they don't understand that I do creative things etc.)

I suppose I have to start to edit my life of people who are basically good or bad influences? And also concentrate on bringing greater freedom, comfort and wealth into my life.

Anyone who can see their way through all the above post: I would be glad for any insights *phew* sorry for the long post!

Iarlaitha