New SP fan seeks life advice from lovely, smart people! Be warned: lengthy post!

[Vanesita]

I am so ecstatic to have found this forum! Steve Pavlina has come into my life at exactly the right moment - such interesting stuff - much better (well-rounded, expansive, useful) than any 'self-help' book I've ever read (except maybe the Dhammapada!).

For many months I have been thinking about where I could get some advice from intelligent people who could give me some perspective from a neutral stance. My husband, mother, father and friends are too close to see things impartially, and I feel I mustn't burden them with my silly doubts about what I am doing with my life.

Can I burden you?

I have a good life, an amazing husband, and kind and supportive friends and family. I eat well, exercise, meditate, have interesting hobbies, and enjoy my daily life very much. I have little patience with those who wallow in self-pity, yet do not try to improve their lives for the better. Yet my own nagging confusion now is based on possible problems I see myself having in the future due to decisions I am making now... I love living in the present moment - but I always feel that somehow I am going to manage to really screw my future life up!

I just finished a one-year teacher training course; I studied to be a secondary school level English teacher. I thought that this would offer me a chance to get settled and established (after many fun, but rather unsettled years of teaching abroad in Japan and Peru) and that I could do what I really want to do (write) after a few years of earning decent money. I was sadly surprised to find that I didn't enjoy the course at all... and it hit me with force that a career in teaching would take up every moment of my life, especially in the first few years. It's a tough job! The first few years of teaching were all I had ever planned to do, and so after much soul-searching decided not to go into teaching English in secondary schools, in spite of the 'security' the job would offer. That's definitely the right decision for me, and I am happy with it.

I then decided to start a business tutoring Japanese people in English. I live in London, England and there is a large Japanese community here. I enjoy teaching and working with Japanese people, and thought that this business could provide both the financial stability, and the flexibility of schedule that I need in order to be able to write. I must say, that although I do think the company has the potential to work, it is not my 'dream'. Of course, setting up a company has a huge learning curve, especially as I have no business background, but I find it interesting to learn about these things.

However, my husband sat me down after I had been working on the tutoring business for a month or two and asked why I wasn't writing yet. Please, he said, you must write as that is your dream, your strength, and your passion. He said he can sense a real change in me when I write, I become much more fulfilled. I thought he was wonderful to point this very obvious, but somehow unseen by me, truth out so sensitively, and with such concern. So, I began to properly think about how I would finally direct my writing (I hadn't written at all whilst doing the teacher training - too stressed and busy- and had lost focus). I came up with several projects that I particularly want to pursue, my first being a blog about food.

I am now working on setting up the blog, I've been writing it for just two weeks and I have been researching as much as possible about blogging. I really like writing and tweaking it. There's a hell of a lot to know about blogging, but I have friends who help me out and it's pretty interesting.

So, after all that background information - here come the problems! I am definately more confused than I have ever been before in my life. Even though I now have a great schedule (get up at 6.00, have breakfast, meditate, go to the gym, write, blog, research) I am not earning any money at all yet, and so I feel terribly guilty that my husband has to support me with many extra hours put in at work. We live in very, very expensive central London and he doesn't earn much, although he works very hard. As I am more qualified than him, we agreed that I need to improve my career position first, so I can then support him to improve his. We live in a not-very-nice shared house in an attic room that costs a lot. We stay here because the room itself is fine, I have the internet set up, and it's close to where my husband works - which improves his quality of living. All of our friends are in London and my husband likes it here a lot, and doesn't want to move. He's from Peru and he likes the international atmosphere. I'm not so sure about staying in this congested and busy city, but I have no reason to insist that we move somewhere else. I don't know other areas of the country, we don't have the money to travel to find out what they are like, and we will not have to relocate due to work. In fact, if I want the Japanese tutoring company to be successful it is essential that we stay in London.

As I haven't been earning any money, and my husband's wage barely pays the rent, I haven't been advertising my company in the Japanese newspaper enough (it's 25 pounds a week), and thus I haven't gained any customers. I tried putting ads up in the local Japanese supermarkets, which is free, but received only two enquiries. I have had a few leads from networking, but they fell through. I have been trying to network more, but going into town involves spending. I am not sure whether or not to keep pursuing the business, though I am attending a 'Complete Guide to Starting a Business' course from Business Link next Saturday which may help clarify things there. I understand from my reading that I must keep at a business, adapting it until it works, but as this one is not my 'dream' I am not quite sure how much of my life to spend on it!

I will certainly continue with my blog, and try to monetise it. I am confident of my writing skills, but totally clueless as to whether I will actually ever make any money at this particular venture.

In the meantime, time is passing. I have registered to do supply teaching to tide us over, but am dreading it and don't know how much work I will be offered. I have given up all financial security to better use my skills and talent, but often feel paralysed with fear. Am I deluding myself? I don't know what the difference between positive, optimistic thinking and having my 'head in the clouds' is. I am soon turning 30and feel that we need to get settled and stop having to live like students. For that we need money - and if we stay in London - a hell of a lot. We want to have children soon, but have no house, car, money, etc. All I have is this lovely little lap-top and a new point-and-shoot camera for the foodie blog!

I think it's fantastic to have the chance to do something you love. But should I sacrifice all those things (possibility of having children, a nice place to live, etc) to try to do it? How is it possible to move past the fear? Even if I do move past the fear I still have no income, dammit! Is it all about having positive thoughts, the right intentions and working hard? Or is it possible that all of that will come to nothing? Nothing leads to nothing... I am not starting on my 'dream' from having a previous successful career.

Last spanner in the works: I have just found out about a good job that I could apply for at a travel agency near Oxford. Oxford is only an hour from London, so we could still see friends in London, but it is cheaper than here, we could afford a better place to live, and would be a better place to have a family. The small company is tops, it's been voted in the top small businesses to work for by The Sunday Times for three years. They train you up and send you abroad to your speciality country for 4 weeks initially, so you can research and really get enthusiastic about the country. The job is essentially sales, but the holidays are tailor-made for the (loaded) clients personally, so it's about relationship building. The salary is reasonable at the start, with commission and the possiblity of progression to a very good wage within 3 years, plus you can take on other speciality countries and be sent on exciting trips to research them regularly. I think I could potentially get this job, and would likely enjoy it. The are currently looking for Canadian specialists - I am from Canada originally. I could blog and write in my spare time, and lose the terrible worry of what the immediate future holds? My husband, by the way, does not think that I should go for this, as it is not my 'dream'. Don't know what job he'd do if we moved either. But my father says that 90% of people have to settle for 2nd best, and that I should go for the job. He's been clinically depressed with occasional sucide attempts for 20 years though (he's feeling better now- thank god), so I am not sure about the validity of his advice!

If you have read this far I really thank you, and if you are smart I ask you to contribute your two pence! I fear with the intimidating length I may not get any advice at all, but I can't seem to bring myself to shorten my rant. Even if I don't hear from anyone, it's been really therapeutic to write this all down... thanks guys

[Angela]

Vanesita, welcome!

Forget all your story for a few moments and tell me: what are the five qualities or conditions that are most essential in your life? Don't take anybody else's wishes into consideration for this question; just tell me what five ways of being are absolutely the most important, that you are most passionate about with every fiber of your being? (and if you see a negative creep in, acknowledge it, let it go, and just write the five essential must-haves. OK?

[Vanesita]

Hi Angela,

Thanks for getting back.

I have thought about those qualities which are essential - I'd say love in all forms, contentment, fulfillment through contribution, gratitude, and non-harming (being aware of my effect on other people/the world/the environment).

I understand that these qualities and conditions can be cultivated whatever your life situation. It's not necessary to be at a certain point for these things to begin, rather, controlling the mind is a constant factor for all.

But I can't forget my story!