I don't know where to start to improve my life

[RobK]

I'm feeling a bit desperate. I have a bachelors degree, but it isn't from a very good school, and it's in business administration. I work part-time shelving at a book store. I live with my parents.
I'm skinny-fat and almost completely bald. My life is miserable, and does not feel worth living. Oh yeah, I'm a recovering drug addict and have borderline personality disorder.

I hurt my back about a month ago at work, and it convinced me that I have to change.

I tried to get into med school, even osteopathy school, but couldn't get in.

I want to be an inventor, but I have no money, no technical background. All I have is hundreds, maybe a thousand, product ideas written down.

I'm not particularly dumb, I scored well on the MCAT and GRE. But my terrible early show at college made getting into medical school impossible. And a business degree doesn't seem to have opened any doors besides hassling people for new jobs or new insurance, and I don't like making unsolicited calls.

I don't even know where to start to improve my life. I started running and lifting weights, and that makes me feel better.

But basically, I don't even know where to start to improve my life, and I don't even know if I have the belief in my own efficacy to try. Well, that isn't true. I want to try.

[JMan]

Start somewhere. It doesn't matter where. By posting on this forum you've already started. It was a choice you made - each day you have choices. Keep chosing to make changes.

In thinking about what to say to you this popped into my mind - the same saying, said 5 different ways - means something a little different each way you say it - words are power, use them:

YOU can change your life
you CAN change your life
you can CHANGE your life
you can change YOUR life
you can change your LIFE

I know this is vague, very general stuff, but it does come down to your choice, doing what you can with what you have, and finding more resources, and people to do something with.

Keep trying. And redefine failure as a learning experience. Every failure shows you how not to do something that way again, and is actually an asset.

Hope this helps.

[Ree]

Rob, you're in the right place, that's for sure! Have you read Steve's past blogs? They are archived. I would recommend that you scan the titles and pick a few that interest you and go from there. When I first found this website, I spent literally weeks reading past blogs by Steve and Erin both, as well as the discussions of those blogs. I got some excellent ideas and some great motivation. The very best of you luck to you

[RobK]

Thanks for responding guys,

Ree,I read a fair amount of Steve maybe a year ago. Right now I've decided to spread my reading over time to avoid getting overwhelmed, and to make applying it easier. I'm also hoping that if I don't pick and choose, I'll apply things that are less comfortable. I need to get out of my comfort zone, because it's (ironically) uncomfortable.

JMan, I think I'll add that as a secondary motto. My primary one is "Action kills fear"

I know from trying to get better a couple times before that I have a trifecta of things I have to do for anything else to work.
1) Get exercise every day
2) Eat well, 3-5 veggies/day
3) Get enough sleep

I'm doing 1, and that's why I have the hope to try anything new. 2 I'm doing ok on, though I slipped today. 3 is hard, I don't know why. I like sleep, but I stay up too late.

I got a book called the procrastinator's handbook and applied a suggestion, it was the first one in the book: dedicate some time to something I've been procrastinating and set a timer. Work on only that until the timer goes off. I applied to four jobs, and it wasn't so bad. At least I got it done.

I have a job interview tomorrow, but it's insurance sales. I'm pretty introverted, and I don't think I'll be very good at sales, but writing this post, I realize that whether or not I'm good at it, interviewing is good practice, and any change is better than being in a rut and working at Barnes&Noble.

So thanks again. I'll put an update after the interview. I'll also pick a bad habit to put 20 minutes into overcoming tomorrow. I think I'll pick cleaning. It ain't 30 days to success, but baby steps. So my 30 days thing will be doing something new every day.

[Ree]

Originally Posted by RobK

I have a job interview tomorrow, but it's insurance sales. I'm pretty introverted, and I don't think I'll be very good at sales, but writing this post, I realize that whether or not I'm good at it, interviewing is good practice, and any change is better than being in a rut and working at Barnes&Noble.

Think about your intentions. Will you go to the job interview intending to NOT get the job because you're introverted and not very good at sales? Couldn't you go to the job interview intending to be OPEN to the idea of sales and becoming a little more extroverted???

[RobK]

I'm going in with a few intentions

1) Practice interviewing. Even if I don't get the job, interviewing is good experience.

2) Moving forward, even having an interview is a step forward

3) Action conquers fear. So even dreading sales, I can learn how to do it, and do it well. Lots of jobs involve sales, and what I truly want to do, creating and licensing new products, is basically sales. I have to get investors and co-inventors to buy in to create a product. Then I have to either license the product, which means selling it. Or I have to sell it myself, which requires lots of sales ability.

I don't know if I'm actually an introvert, or if I'm just overly shy. Selling anything is good practice for selling anything.

Three hours till the interview. I'm going in with a positive attitude. I'm also trying to re-do my thought process that any number of failures is worthwhile for success.

I'll post an update after the interview.

[Ree]

You've taken the first step and with a positive attitude, anything can happen! Be open for anything..... and good luck!!

[RobK]

The interview didn't go badly, they said I qualified for a second interview. The woman I interviewed with emphasized how it was a hard job, and most people wash out.

But I have to pay like $175 for a licensing fee. It's straight commission sales. No base pay. I have enough savings to try it, and so far no other options yet. They asked if I had a rough financial situation. I lied and said no. It can take a couple months to get sales, even for people who end up good at it. Going two months without income means I go hungry some. Going three months means my dog goes hungry some.

I still have the dream of using some savings for provisional patent applications and prototyping. I don't want to burn my finances getting a job. Shouldn't jobs pay you?

So I'm maybe even more down than when I started. So today I'm emailing my old manager from an internship, and a professor I know to see if they have any openings.

And I still haven't done my 20 minutes of cleaning today.

I don't work much, how can I get almost nothing done?

[llong]

Originally Posted by RobK

Going two months without income means I go hungry some. Going three months means my dog goes hungry some.

At least you have your priorities straight....suffer yourself before your dog.

Anyway, for me, the base of the self-improvement pyramid is My Physical Self, then right above it is My Physical Environment. Right above that is My Mental State, etc.

I should write a quick article on this.

[RobK]

Well, it isn't Frederick's fault that I'm a **** up. So why should he suffer?

I was in NA for a while. I always had trouble with accepting the things I can't change, changing the things I can, and knowing the difference.

I guess what I can change is what I do. I've been going to the gym for maybe a month every day, last week I added squats and deadlifts(?) and the chronic pain in my hip is almost gone. Physical things I have a fair amount of control over. In light of that, I quit smoking an hour ago. Not long, but it's a start. I know I never have to smoke again. That is one of the things I can control. Whether I get into grad school, I can't control. Whether I apply, I can control.

It rained today, so I couldn't clean out my car, and I stayed up too late last night, so I wasn't very productive on anything today.

Gotta take dog out. Back tommorow

PS this is mostly a day journal for me, but I appreciate feedback.

[RobK]

Well, quitting smoking only lasted a few hours. On the plus side, I've been good about working out, and I had a salad and tuna for lunch, so I guess that's a wash.

Goals for today:

Ask an old boss from an internship if they have anything open.
Work on BU application
Work on Ross U Application
Shower and shave (yeah, I set my goals low)
File Discrimination Complaint against VCOM

I think if I keep working out and eating well, I can quit smoking, because that's what happened last time, and quitting wasn't even hard.

I guess this a preliminary order of things I want to improve

1) Physical, smoking, being out of shape, chronic pain
1a) Mental /emotional Develop a more positive attitude, handle the depression and borderline personality symptoms

2) Career- get a decent job, or into a graduate or medical program.
3) This is longer term "reap after you sow" Get an apartment and a girlfriend, or learn pickup well enough that I don't need a girlfriend.

[dayflyer]

I just joined this post, so much of your thread has passed by already. What you are describing sounds so familiar, it seems haunting. I remember going through some very ugly, very bleak, and desperate times... I don't know if any of what I say will help you, but I will try. Two things were true in that time: I was praying a lot, and I was connecting with people. The praying connected me with God, and nurtured my faith, and gave me hope even when things were the worst. Connecting with people was a challenge because I was rapped up with a lot of self-loathing and angst, and it took finding people that cared about me, that I cared about and could be safe around to find the strength to work through the rest of it. Since then, I have overcome so much, the worst has passed.

[RobK]

Thanks for the support dayflyer. I feel much better than when I wrote the first post. For one thing, just getting that out, even on the pseudo-anonymous net.

It was very weird yesterday. I forgave myself for mistakes I made in the past. And I realized I don't have to see change as something to fear. I don't have to treat the present with a mixture of contempt and resentment. I feel alot better now. I don't know if it'll last. But it's working right now.

So the change I'm confronting without fear right now is quiting smoking. I had my last cigarette last night (Monday, 17th) at around 10pm. I went to bed around 10:30, and woke up at six. So I've been smoke free for 8.5 hours. which is a solid start, I think. I have the physical cravings, but no desire to smoke. My mantra is "I don't need to smoke, I don't want to smoke" even though I didn't really believe it when I started, it is sinking in. So maybe repetition, even if I don't believe it, will eventually change the way I look at some things. When I went to the gym this afternoon, I ran my two miles almost solid, so I already see a benefit.

It is becoming more clear to me that the things I can control are:
1) What I do
2) What I think
3) How I feel

The list of things I can't control is really short:
1) Everything else

gotta go

[RobK]

I'm not sure about the praying thing, I'm an atheist, but I am a pragmatic atheist, so I will give it a try. As to connecting with people. I don't know if I can: I'm fairly odd, and many of the people I encounter on a day-to-day basis, I don't like much. I should work on that though. Connecting with people is where the borderline personality disorder really hurts. I basically can't. To me, people go from wonderful to horrible. It can take a couple minutes, and they never go back in my mind. It is a personality flaw. It is something I want to work on.

If praying will give me hope, I will certainly do it: I pretty much run on hope.

Thanks for commenting here. Please keep coming back.

[RobK]

9/19/07

Well, quitting smoking ran into a snag: smoking. I don't really even know why. I was a bit stressed because I had to go to the dentist (giblets are fine) and I had been obsessing over quitting. Instead of focusing on my mantra, I bought a pack at around 1:45. I smoked most of them, and finally threw the last five or six away at 8 or so. I did realize how little I get out smoking when I was smoking. They don't do anything for me, why do I smoke?

I did go to the gym today before I relapsed, and noticed I had way more energy than I usually do. So I feel the benefit of not smoking almost immediately. I think I let the nagging addiction and obsession wear me down. Not now though. I much prefer obsessing to smoking.

For everything else, I had a salad, but only got 7 hours of sleep, maybe that wore me down for the nicotine addiction to win.

Food: Had a salad, didn't eat breakfast, and ate too much peanut butter, not enough fruit. Also had a non-diet soda, which was less than optimal.

Sleep: Only seven hours, that's not good. But better than I do sometimes.

Exercise: 20 minutes on the treadmill, mostly running, plus legs, back and abs. So pretty good.

Job/future: Nothing on the job hunt, but I worked on my essay for engineering master's. So that was good. Also googled an invention idea: it's been done, and it's a billion-dollar market, so it was at least a good idea.

For tomorrow: More on the essay, contact at least one professor from that school, start the Tech application, and apply to 3 jobs. And no smoking. "Tripod" (8 hours of sleep, big salad and tuna, exercise) clean for 20 minutes. Investigate another invention idea.

Wish me luck!

[RobK]

Mediocre day today:

Good

Applied to several jobs, including asking an old boss from an internship if I could come back.

finished 2nd to last edit for my grad school application, I'm close to the deadline, but who knows. I feel I could do well in the program. I see my ideas come up fairly often. Sophisticated ones, for example, using algae from ocean eutrophication to make biodeisel. Saw a project today.

Had a salad for lunch. Also ate unhealthy food, but at least I had one healthy meal.

Played with Frederick at the dog park for a few hours. I'm taking dayflyer's advice to try to talk to people, and I tend to do it at dog park. I guess it makes me feel better. Maybe I'll find a job through it. More importantly, it connects me to other people.

A girl who I totally adore called out of the blue to invite me hiking tomorrow. This is the girl that pretty much inspired my last attempt at personal development.

I've been praying. But they aren't very good prayers. Along the lines of "God, please let my life suck less" But praying nonetheless. I think the next one might be along the lines of "please let me be motivated by hope instead of fear. Maybe that's why Lauren called. Objectively, I know she's out of my league, but I could see being with her the rest of my life.

Bad

Didn't make it to the gym

Can't sleep, so I'll be tired in the morning

Had a performance review at work: short: my attitude is very bad. I don't do my job fast enough, but I should spend less time doing my job and more time doing other things. They said they'd fire me in a month.

So should I quit, and focus totally on the job and grad school hunt? I really can't think of much more humiliating than being fired from Barnes & Noble. Is it better to quit first, even if I don't have a job.

[Steve T]

Hi RobK

You say you are not sure about praying because you are an atheist, don't let that get in the way. I am not a religious person but by sending out messages (praying) your subconscious mind will gradually tune in to them and changes, maybe only small to start with, will begin to happen.

You sure are giving it a go so I am sure you will eventually get there, just count every small change as a victory, congratulate yourself and take the next step forward.

Steve

[RobK]

Steve,

That's how I'm trying to look at it. I know I can't control outcomes, only what I do. so I'm trying to focus on controlling the things I can. My prayer last night was along the lines of "God, let things turn out well, and I asked to let me be motivated by hope, not fear." I don't that wasn't too demanding. I also asked for a removal of my anger and resentment. So maybe that'll come too.

I actually wrote in my notebook that trying to improve is enough reason to have some self-esteem.

Today I'm hiking with Lauren. I'm really trying to go into it with no expectations. I'll work on applications later on today. And I will improve my attitude at work. It is something I can control, and it is good practice. But maybe Because good things tend to happen to positive people, right? And maybe I just needed a kick to get out of Barnes & Noble, I'm kinda smart, I stayed there way to long. I hope it doesn't hurt my odds of getting a better job. I think working there was one of the factors that kept me out of medical school. But given my past and predilections, not getting in might have been a good thing.

[RobK]

Yesterday was fairly good overall. The hike was really fun, and I showed Lauren my family's cabin, which she liked. I didn't get a kiss. I actually didn't try, but she seemed comfortable being close to me. But I love talking to her, and I didn't smoke for the whole 4-5 hours: I didn't even want to.

I applied to a few more jobs too. I got a call from my current employer "asking" me to give up a shift this week. I can't, and if I'm going to improve my performance before the follow-up review when they fire me. (they'll fire me no matter do) I have to go to work. So I told them I wouldn't give the shift up. I hope that wasn't too big a mistake. But really, I need to work more than 8 hours a week, even there. I hope the universe provides me an opportunity before they fire me. Getting fired from retail will be humiliating.

I'm still praying. Still for resentments and character flaws to be removed. Oh, and for things to work out well. The pain in my hip is almost gone, that was an early prayer as well. I'd also like to be better able to focus, so that should go in the next prayer. I guess I have at least a bit of the hope I pray for.

I went to the gym this morning. The gym really improves my mood. I'm applying to more jobs as well. I want to finish my school application and send it out tomorrow, but I'm waiting for the personal statement edit from an old professor. Then, all I have to do is wait and hope.

I'm trying to stay optimistic, and, as they say in NA "easy does it. But do it."

[RobK]

I've been trying. I've applied to quite a few jobs. I haven't heard back from anywhere. Well, I haven't heard yes from anywhere.

I am trying to be a good worker at my current job. I guess it makes the time go faster.

I wrote an introduction to an X-prize like project I want to submit to a foundation, ran it by someone, and he liked it. That improved my mood.
I took a practice LSAT and got an average score, so maybe if I studied hard I could get into law school.

It seems that one of my character flaws, procrastination, is kicking me around again. I know why I do it. I'm "know" I'm going to fail, so I put something off as long as possible. Then I get desperate because of some event, and try to frantically push through. It's like I won't work without a severe deadline. Maybe I want to feel bad about myself?

I'm still praying, but I feel really desperate. I would like to get into grad school, or get a job that interests and challenges me, but without being overwhelming. I guess I should pray for that.

I've been tempted to start playing the lottery. I know it is a bad idea, and for me will only lead to an addiction. I talked to my ex about it, and she brought up the addiction angle, which I hadn't thought off.

Things to work on:
Procrastination
Prioritizing: Commit to doing something for certain length of time. Whether it is patent searching, proposal writing, or job applications, work at something steadily without interrupitng it with feelings that I'm doing the wrong thing, which leads to paralysis.

Please, someone give me advice or encouragement. I have to go to the gym and get some exercise.

[RobK]

Well another day.

I finished applying to the school, and I started another grad school application, but in a field I less interested in (Eco-friendliness, not that it is bad, but I want a broader education) A prof from First Program wrote me back, and I have trouble not sounding despondent, so I hope when I wrote him back, I didn't sound either crazy or depressed.

I have been applying to tons of jobs, and often getting rejection emails the same day. I need to expand my job search. I never heard back from a former internship I contacted.

I have been doing an ok job of controlling what I can. I've made it to the gym regularly, and eat a fair amount of salad. I think I'm still losing weight, and my back and hip really don't hurt much at all. I'm googling my invention ideas to kill the ones that are already done, and hopefully when I'm done there will be some wheat. I'm about to take some old books to a used book store to get rid of some of the clutter. I have far too much.

I'm going to a conference or whatever on entreprenuership on Friday. I will probably see Girl there, as she plans to attend.

I made a list of things that I want to do, and I will post it soon.

About a year ago, I stopped a drug I was abusing, and I felt so wonderful and optimistic, and capable of change. I changed alot. Like running daily, eating really well, quit smoking, working on ideas, trying to pick up girls. I had nothing going super-well, but I had optimism, and the willingness to try. I really want that back.

For today

Apply to 5 jobs
Get rid of books.
Start more boxes of books to get rid off
Keep organizing and cleaning
Shower
One PD exercise. Maybe a fears list

[RobK]

Well, things are going better.

I've been working out daily, and my back and hip hardly hurt. I eat a bit better, but I still eat too much sugar.

Quitting smoking has been a total failure so far, and so has cutting back on caffeine. I really don't like smoking, but when I don't I obsess about it, and life feels meaningless. Coffee, I've barely tried, beyond cutting back a bit for a few days, the bleak depression and brutal headaches are more than I can handle.

On the plus side, I got into graduate school for engineering, so it is possible that I will be an inventor one day. And I'm moving to Boston in January, I'm scared, but really looking forward to a change of scenery, and moving forward towards a career living independently.

I'm trying not to be too scared, or too hopeful. And I want to quit smoking before school starts, and build some visual-spatial ability if that is possible.

Any suggestions or encouragement?

[fellowtraveler]

Originally Posted by RobK

Well, things are going better.

I've been working out daily, and my back and hip hardly hurt. I eat a bit better, but I still eat too much sugar.

Quitting smoking has been a total failure so far, and so has cutting back on caffeine. I really don't like smoking, but when I don't I obsess about it, and life feels meaningless. Coffee, I've barely tried, beyond cutting back a bit for a few days, the bleak depression and brutal headaches are more than I can handle.

On the plus side, I got into graduate school for engineering, so it is possible that I will be an inventor one day. And I'm moving to Boston in January, I'm scared, but really looking forward to a change of scenery, and moving forward towards a career living independently.

I'm trying not to be too scared, or too hopeful. And I want to quit smoking before school starts, and build some visual-spatial ability if that is possible.

Any suggestions or encouragement?

Hi. I'm new to this board and I must say I enjoyed your thread because it gives me hope. My son is 29 and _was_ a top computer programmer for a Fortune 100 company. A year ago he suffered a psychotic break. He did go back to work but his abilities and confidence slowly evaporated and he had to move in with us - he mostly stays in his room and plays video games now.

I suppose now he has something like your BPD. I just hope he can overcome it and do exciting things like you are doing now. He sees a therapist but doesn't talk much.

Anyhow, as we all know courage is not the lack of fear, it's acting in spite of it. Congratulations and good luck.

[Ninja]

You already made a huge step in the right direction by lifting weights: not only will you lose weight and get stronger muscles that will support your back, but when exercizing, certain chemicals are released in the brain that help fight depression and lack of energy. By doing this, it will be a lot easier to reach your other goals than when you had put 'get in shape' on the bottom of your list. If you want to drive somewhere, you need to fix your car first

Keep going!