Humourous quotes

[Mark Lapierre]

I believe in making the world safe for our children,
but not our children's children,
because I don't think children should be having sex
--Jack Handey

Does anyone else know any Personal Development related humourous quotes?

[maryelyn]

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy!"

another 'deep thought'!

sorta reminds me of loa - it might be a trick, but if it's not, 'ummm, boy!'

[rock1000]

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? I wonder.

[maryelyn]

"I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me."

Woody Allen

[Stephen]

"Our great nation is truly free and democratic" George W Bush

"Guantanamo is necessary" George W Bush

;-)

[King Of All Cosmos]

The Big Bang Theory:
"In the beginning, there was nothing. Which exploded."

Life sure is random, huh?

[elainevdw]

From a friend of mine poking fun at herself: "You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever!"

[Shaden]

"Usually the good Lord works in mysterious ways. But not today! This here is 66 tons of straight-up, H.E-spewing dee-vine intervention! If God is love, then you can call me Cupid!" - Sgt A Johnson

You know he's your real dad

[SamBeaven]

Lady Astor to Churchill: "If you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your coffee."
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!"

[Guinevere]

My reality check bounced.
- Scott Adams, Dilbert


In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move
-Douglas Adams


I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen

[Josh Wesalo]

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive."

[Andrew Brunelle]

Right now I'm high on LIfe. That creal is amazing...

[Lotus]

My personal motto:
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-Mark Twain


For the Zen among us, a koan:

A monk sat in the forest with his three students. He took out his fan and placed it in front of him, saying, "Without calling it a fan, tell me what this is."

The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket." The master poked him with his stick.

The second and third students were actually rocks that the master had mistaken for students, because it was getting very dark. Suddenly, the master and his pupil felt alone and afraid.

In the distance, a wolf howled.

-Adam Hindman

[Wanderer]

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Homer Simpson

[maryelyn]

Originally Posted by Lotus

My personal motto:
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-Mark Twain


For the Zen among us, a koan:

A monk sat in the forest with his three students. He took out his fan and placed it in front of him, saying, "Without calling it a fan, tell me what this is."

The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket." The master poked him with his stick.

The second and third students were actually rocks that the master had mistaken for students, because it was getting very dark. Suddenly, the master and his pupil felt alone and afraid.

In the distance, a wolf howled.

-Adam Hindman

whoaa....let me think on this...or better yet ... maybe not...
excuse me while i try to heal the internal hemorrage...

[Stu]

"When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering."
- Catch-22

I love that book so much.

[A.K.Light]

I'm not sure where this came from...

"Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"

[Mark Lapierre]

Jack Handey has an almost identical one:

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."

He's got quite a few...

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. "

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway. "

"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.
MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. "

And I'll leave it for now with one for the subjective realists out there

"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy.
Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. "

[gberardi]

I had to run the fortune command a few times before I found a good one:

Originally Posted by Dave Barry

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.

[Adam Sargant]

"Quality control means never having to say you're sorry" (my dad, with acknowledgement to Love Story)

[James]

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

I remember asking my dad the same question when I was young, after he told me money doesn't grow on trees!

Now I know different. It does grow on trees, you just have to nurture that tree from a seed until it grows strong enough to pay the dividends. Metaphorically speaking.

I'm still not sure my dad gets this though.

[LillyoftheValley]

One drunk dude was desperately trying to be funny, but to no avail. Seriously annoyed, at one point I blurted this out:

''If you were an ankle, you'd be sprained''

[royster]

"Dang! I wish I had said that!"

"Some day, you will."

[LostMyMap]

You can pick you friends,
And you can pick your nose,
But you can't pick your friend's nose.