The Coach Potato

[Tuumble]

Here is a sitcom scene that I've written about a life coach called Edward King who, while good at his job, his own life moves from one disaster after another.

On this occasion he uses his skills to actually come out ahead for once. I hope you enjoy it.

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BARBERS. INT. (DAY)

Edward is in a hurry and needs a haircut. One customer is being served by a solitary barber (MR CALLOW). There is one other chair which is empty. Meanwhile another customer is waiting (NEVILLE) skinny, aged about 25 and of a dull and drab appearance. he looks down on his luck. Edward sits down next to him and looks him up and down.

EDWARD: Alright?

NEVILLE: Eh? Oh, yeah, fine.

EDWARD: Been here long?

NEVILLE: (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) About 30 minutes or so.

Edward looks at the man having his hair cut - he is black and almost as bald as the owner.

EDWARD: 30 minutes!? What the hell are they doing? He’s got no hair left to cut - what did he look like when he came in?

NEVILLE: Much the same.

EDWARD: Are you telling me that you’ve been sat here watching the bloke with the clippers snip each folicle as it emerges from that guys head? It’s not a spectator sport you know.

Edward cups his hands round his mouth and does an impersonation of a sports commentator.

EDWARD: Welcome International pro-celebrity hairdressing at Supercuts on Grimshaw Street...

The barber looks round at EDWARD puzzled.

EDWARD: Sorry. (QUIETLY TO NEVILLE) Look at their heads - like a couple of snooker balls they are.

Neville looks confused. There's a pause. Edward shrugs and sighs.

EDWARD: I’ll tell you what annoys me

NEVILLE: What?

EDWARD: The other chair. One of us would be in that if they had enough staff on. It’s like when you go to the post office at lunchtime and they’ve got a dozen windows and only one wizen old bat serving. Come 2 o’clock when everyone has to be back at work, the rest of the counter staff return and just sit there on their backsides twiddling their thumbs because there‘s no-one in the place.

There is another pause.

EDWARD: Look, I can’t wait here all day. Get up there and say that it’s your turn now.

NEVILLE: I can’t do that.

EDWARD: Of course you can. Do you want to stay here indefinitely?

NEVILLE: Well, no...

EDWARD: What are you waiting for then?

NEVILLE: It would be so rude. I’d be embarrassed.

EDWARD: Rubbish. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. Life is all about decisions. It’s not circumstances that run our lives it’s our reactions to them. We all have the power within us to change anything if we only have the courage of our convictions.

NEVILLE: Really?

EDWARD: Yeah, yeah, of course.

NEVILLE: I suppose I have been here quite a while.

EDWARD: An eternity my friend. You’re a busy man...

NEVILLE: I’m unemployed.

EDWARD: Never mind that, your time is precious. You gotta take control of your life.

NEVILLE: (SMILING AS CONFIDENCE GROWS) Yeah. I can do it can’t I?

EDWARD: Of course you can.

Neville stands up and then sits down again.

NEVILLE: He must be nearly finished by now - I should wait.

EDWARD: Nonsense. Prove to me and more importantly to yourself that you can do this. What’s your name?

NEVILLE: Neville.

EDWARD: Neville? Very butch - I like it. OK then, repeat after me: ‘My name is Neville and I deserve the best. It’s my destiny’

NEVILLE (MEEKLY): My name is Neville and I deserve the best. It’s my destiny.

EDWARD: No, no, no, not good enough.

NEVILLE: (MORE FORCEFUL) My name is Neville and I deserve the best. It’s my destiny.

EDWARD: Again!

NEVILLE: (WITH RELISH) My name is Neville and I deserve the best! It’s my destiny!

EDWARD: Excellent, now get going.

Full of purpose, Neville gets to his feet and strides over to the barber and stands just behind him.

EDWARD: OK?

Neville gives the thumbs up to Edward.

NEVILLE: (TURNS ROUND AND SHOUTS) Hey you!

MR CALLOW: What the-!

Mr Callow is so surprised that he snips the customers ear who yelps in pain. He jumps out of the chair and is considerably better built than Neville. Blood is already dripping on his shirt.

CUSTOMER: You maniac, look what you’ve done?

NEVILLE: (ACTING TOUGH) My turn now, baldy! If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get outta here!

Neville dramatically gestures towards the door as if a baseball umpire who has given a batter out.

CUSTOMER: Why you..!

Neville lets out a terrified whine and runs away as the customer chases him out of the shop. Meanwhile Edward gets up and strolls confidently over to the barber’s chair and sits down.

EDWARD: (SMILING) Just a trim please.

END.

[Gautam]

Enjoyed that very much! Thanks, you have a great idea going here, you should work on it and make it a full-script.

[Tuumble]

Well actually there is more!

That part was (I think) scene 4 of 5 though I never completed 5.

Maybe I'll post some more later...

[Gautam]

In that case, I would love to read through the other parts as well, if that's not too much trouble for you. I promise I won't copy your ideas (at most I'll draw infinite inspiration from them!)

[Hawkeye]

Hi Tumble,

I believe you are on to something funny and eventful. Have you thought about making a quick video with your script? I believe it would not be hard to do. Go with your gut and your theme, and let it fly.

We have been keeping up with as many humorous videos, funny stories and jokes about coaching as we can find, and we try to broadcast them whenever we find a new one. I would be happy to tell others about your video.

[justfiverules]

Hi Tuumble,

Since we gave our Transatlantic cousins " The Office", I guess it's only fair they should return the compliment!

Have you heard of this movie?

http://www.lifecoachthemovie.com/Life.Coach.TRAILg.mov

A Brit version would be interesting...
Maybe Rowan Atkinson as the coach?