rEdnEx AnonyMOuS

[royster]

rEdnEx AnONymOUs mEetInGs heEr


From the swamps of Maykamuckygobagoo (renamed after the BP gulf oil fiasco) to my own front yard in Virginia...and beyond...the backwoods way-of-life may seem odd to some, but it is a form of sanity that many people practice daily.

I was not born a Redneck: I'm from Los Angeles, and had to endure several years of Redneck Training...which, incidentally, did NOT include "banjo music". My Redneck 101 courses taught me much about life in the hills, being resourceful, and living realistically.

If your home is "mobile" but your car is not, you might be a redneck.

Speaking of cars: if your car has a cinder-block foundation, you might be a redneck.

This thread is for discusions about down-to-earth living that some may find amusing, but others will find helpful.

[royster]

Also know as "duct tape", is essential for automotive repairs and modifications, sewing needs, permanent repairs of household appliances, and occassionally a marital assisting device.

[royster]

300 Reasons you might be a Redneck...
Thank you Jeff Foxworthy!

1. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
2. You ever cut your grass and found a car.
3. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
4. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
5. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
6. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
11. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
12. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
13. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
14. Birds are attracted to your beard.
15. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
16. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
17. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
18. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
19. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
20. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
21. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
22. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
23. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
24. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
25. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
26. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
27. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
28. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
29. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
30. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
31. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
32. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
33. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
34. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
35. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
36. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
37. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
38. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
39. Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
40. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
41. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
42. You've ever bought a used cap.
43. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
44. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
45. You've ever financed a tattoo.
46. You've ever stolen toilet paper.
47. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
48. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
49. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
50. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
51. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
52. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
53. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
54. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
55. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
56. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
57. you have ever used lard in bed.
58. you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
59. you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
60. your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
61. someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
62. The primary color of your car is bondo.
63. directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
64. your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
65. you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

more at You Might Be A Redneck

[royster]

No, this isn't refuse from the kitchen: it's that over-made-up blonde in lot 34 who gossips to the neighbors in order to create real-life drama, has no respect for anyone using the word "please", and keeps a list of "those who done wronged" her so she can spend the rest of her life crying in her beer and loading the shotgun...in that order.

[royster]

GENERAL:

1.Never take a beer to a job interview.



2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.



3.It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.



4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.



5.Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.





DINING OUT:


1.When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.



2.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with both of your hands.





ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:


1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.





PERSONAL HYGIENE:


1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.


2.Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.


3.Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a ‘few days.’


4.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.





DATING (Outside the Family):


1.Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.


2.Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”


3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.





THEATRE ETIQUETTE:


1.Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.


2.Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.





WEDDINGS:


1.Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.


2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.


3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.


4.Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.





DRIVING ETIQUETTE:


1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.


2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.


3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.


4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


5.Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.