Would you mind taking a second to look and tell me what you think of my lyrics? :)

[90802]

Hello forumites!

I could use your help.

You see, I'm developing an info-product for songwriters, but there's only one problem...

I'm not a hit songwriter, nor do I have anything else that would resemble major credibility (music in TV, winning contest, etc).

However, I AM pretty damn good at writing lyrics, and that's what the focus of my Ebook will be about.

So, instead of dragging the sales letter down with my lyrics, I thought I'd post here to get opinions. I'm not posting it to get feedback on craft, but feedback on how the lyrics hit you, if that makes any sense.

Oh, and if you don't like them, that's fine, and I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me the types of lyrics and songwriters you do like, because I want to make sure prospective buyers know if the ebook is not for them.

Yeah, I could ask friends for feedback, but they may lie to save my feelings

Your gut response is appreciated, but, if possible, I'd appreciate more targeted feedback.

Namely...

1. What do you think about the images and the stories? Anything in particular jump out at you?
2. What do you think of the situations? Do they feel stale and just like other songs, or are they nice takes on old ideas?
3. Does the story connect and resonate with you?
4. If you were to compare me to another lyricist, who would it be, and why?

You can make your resposne for your overall reaction, to a specific song, or whatever makes you happy

I'm going to post two serious and two funny songs.

The Serious

It happens all the time

It’s 10 PM on a lazy Friday night
I’m sitting beneath the neon Budweiser sign
The jukebox is playing I’m sipping my favorite brew
Watching the regulars shoot a game of pool

My eyes stumble over a girl with long dark hair
She's sitting next to a couple of empty chairs
Her eyes whisper hi and I gaze at the empty seat
And she flashes a smile that tells me she’d like to meet

Chorus:

It happens all the time
It happens all the time
All the time

It’s 10:30 on a lazy Friday night
I’m still sitting beneath this neon sign
Her playful eyes say join me for a beer
But I just tell myself she’s not sincere

Chorus

Papercuts

I’m opening a box of memories
While I listen to that tune
The one that made you think of me
Now makes me think of you

I finally found the letters
That traveled across the seas
It brought a smile to my face
To read about you thinking of me

(Chorus)
I’d open the letters so fast
That I’d get paper cuts
I needed your words to take me
To a place where we could touch

I’d read the letters 13 times
And memorized every scene
But I’d still read them in slow motion
Because I loved the theme

A sentence about your job
A paragraph about a wish
A page about our next embrace
An envelope with the taste of your lips


Chorus

I would have been the covers
That kept you warm all night
And as your breath caressed my neck
I would have held your hand in mine

But your body wasn’t the paper
And my fingers weren’t the pens
Or I would’ve written my feelings
On every inch of your skin

I touched you with my words
But that wasn’t enough
It’s taken a bit of time
To heal these paper cuts

Ok, now it's time for some comic relief

Ask me when I'm drunk


You say you want to talk about feelings
Well right now isn’t the best time
I’m still working on my first drink
Just wait till I’m on number four or five

Why do I have to say I love you?
Can’t we reach a compromise?
I can tell you that I like you very much
Is this my third or fourth glass of wine?

Chorus
So ask me…when I’m drunk
If you really want to know
So ask me…when I’m drunk
So I can blame it on the Bordeaux

What did you want to talk about?
I forgot at glass number 8
Wasn’t it something about feelings?
I can’t believe what I’m about to say

[Bridge]
I love you so much
I shouldn’t have to be drunk
To let you know

Chorus

The Procrastination Song

Jerry Springer’s on the TV
And Maury is up next
Lesbian oil wrestling
And then who’s the daddy roulette

I feel so dirty watching
But there’s nothing else to do
Besides things that take hard work
So I’ll watch and drink a brew

Chorus
The procrastination song
There’s so much I should get done
I don’t want to do a thing
So I’ll just sit right here and drink

I think I’ve seen this episode
At least a dozen times
But once they start the wrestling
It’d almost be a crime

To get up off the couch
When the bikini babes are brawling
I try to break the spell
But the TV just keeps calling

Chorus

Oooo, you made it to the bottom, yay!!!! Seriously, thanks for reading, and even greater thanks for leaving feedback.

If you, or someone you know, is a songwriter, I've created a freemium to go with the main book, and would be glad to send that to you, so let me know.

Thanks!

Chris

PS-I may ask some of you to use your feedback as a testimonial, so please put in the feedback if you are ok with that or not, because I dont want to bother you if you don't want it used

[Criseyde]

I really love "Papercuts." If that ever gets turned into a song, let me know. I love the whole epistolary concept.

I also like "The Procrastination Song."

Hmm, as to the first one... it didn't really resonate, sorry. Maybe because I identify more with the dark haired girl than the singer?

I don't know who I'd compare you to. Nobody is coming to mind.

[90802]

Ooo, so you are the girl that keeps looking at me at the bar

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!

Oh, papercuts did get turned into a song, but, be warned, I sing like the bastard offspring of Barry White and Bob Dylan.

You've been warned

Papercuts - YouTube