Fun and Humor Time
Humor is great for the spirit and for the mind... so, I thought that we could have a thread to share jokes and funny stuff... and enjoy some relaxing time together...
Hope you enjoy it... :D
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing." :D
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would Ya"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot". :D
Church Bulletin Mistakes:
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next week.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge. - Up Yours."
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!" :D
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?" :D
LOL funny... Thanks for the good laughs on an early Saturday morning.
About Bill Gates... :D
This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer.
So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister. What's your name?" The man said,"Pete." The cop asked,"Where ya from, Pete?" He said, "The balcony." :D
Q. What is the difference between a bulldog and a mother-in-law...???
A. One of them wears lipstick... :D
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
The blonde asked the mechanic what was wrong with her car...
"Just crap in the carburator" he replied...
"How often should I do that...???" she asked... :D
The husband arrived home after a tough day at the office and was met at the door by a sobbing wife who told him she had been insulted on the phone by the druggist.
The hubby jumped in the car and drove to the drug store and demanded an apology.
The druggist said "Listen bub", my alarm failed to go off this morning and I was late getting up. I left without breakfast, rushed out to the car and realized I had locked my house and car keys in the house. I got a bad cut on my hand breaking a window to get back in my house. I then got a speeding ticket in my rush to get the store open. About 3 blocks from the drugstore a tire went flat. When I finally arrived, there was a long line of people was waiting to get in.
As soon as I got the store open, I had to break a roll of nickles to make change and they spilled all over the floor. The phone was ringing off the wall and I was down on my knees picking up nickles. When I raised up, I cracked my head on the open cash register drawer causing me to stagger back against the perfume counter knocking several bottles of expensive perfume to the floor and breaking them. The phone was still ringing with no let up. I finally got a chance to answer it and it was your wife wanting to know how to use a rectal thermometer..and by damn...........I TOLD HER........." :D
One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" :D
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected littlefart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her,
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? "
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll **** when you hear the price." :D
My wife sent me this to me today at work - I challenge you all not to snort so be careful where you read it! :D
The following are actual answers to history and sunday school tests given
by children aged 8-10
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus".
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the ontented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Tuumble, that was hilarious. I am wiping tears from my eyes. Thank you.
Great post Tuumble... very funny... :D http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c2...1/thumbsup.gif
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.:D
Once,a teacher was telling the students about the great American President George Washington.
She narrated,"And in one incident,George Washington found an axe in his backyard.He took it,went in the lawn and cut an apple tree.Some time later,George's father walked in and shouted,"Who cut this apple tree?"George calmly replied,"Me,father".Looking at the honesty of his small child,George's father forgot his anger and praised George for his honesty.And as we all know,George later became the first President of America."
A child in the class became inspired from this story.He immediately went home,picked an axe and cut an apple tree in the backyard.Some time later,the child's father came in:-
Father(Angrily):Who cut that apple tree in the backyard?
(Father slaps the child.)
Child(in a crying tone):Why did you slap me father?Today our teacher told us the story of George Washington.He cut the tree and when his father enquired,told the truth.The father was pleased and praised him and later he began the President of America.
Father:You idiot!You should have known that when George Washington cut the tree,his father was not sitting on it! :D
Heh, good find Tumble
But damn claims that those chain emails make bug the crap outta me! It's so bleedingly obvious that it was not written by 8-10 year olds.
And good work to you too Shamou. I don't feel the need to comment on each of them, but I am reading and enjoying :)
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all t urned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf ' ..... and she said, "Take a sweater with you...":D
Love all the jokes Shamou. You rock!
Who Hates Spam?
I drew this little comic title "The 10th Circle of Hell". It's a special place reserved entirely for spammers.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken." :D
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty. The Father said,"Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't
ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh , very well, Fath! er!"
The Father asked, " Tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E 's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle." :D
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