Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!”

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

“Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!”

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

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[Shamou]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.


2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.


3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!


4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.


5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.


6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.


7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.


8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.


9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.


10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

.

[Shamou]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

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[Yukio]

What is "I.Q."?
It is 'Ignorance Quantite' or the 'Quotient of Idiotic' ...
The normal "Intelligence Quotient" was to measure the level or retard that a person would have , including the Idiotic level!!!

To use the special educational programs ...

[Shamou]

A guy walking up the main street in his town, is suddenly confronted by streams of people running towards him.

He tries unsuccessfully to stop one of them to ask what they're running for.

- eventually he literally pins a guy against a wall.

'What the heck is going on ?'

- 'A lion escaped from the zoo.' The man replied breathless from his run.

'Which way did it go ?' The shopper exclaimed.

The runner rolled his eyes.

'Well we ain't ******** 'chasin it.'

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[Shamou]

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I
put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked
for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details
will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I
was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.
When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left
over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached
to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure
a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on
the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up
the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which
was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the
broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident
reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph
2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had
regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now
beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with
the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty
barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope.


-----------------------

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

---------------------------

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

--------------------------------

Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

.

[Shamou]

A five year old goes up to his grandad

'Grandad can you make a noise like a dog.?'

'woof ... woof'

'Can you make a noise like a sheep ?'

'Baa.'

'Can you make a noise like a toad ?'

'Why all the animal sounds, son ?'

'Well dad was talking to mum earlier ... and he said - when grandad croaks we can all go to Disneyland.'

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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

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[Gordon]

Glasgow v America

If a US airport had been attacked the same was Glasgow was what would the eyewitness accounts have come out like..

America :- "Oh my God! there was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life..I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me"

Glasgow :- "The f*cker wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"

America :- "I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die"

Glasgow :- "here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f****in' plane!"

America :- "there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was hapening, I thought I was gonna die"

Glasgow :- "F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in"

America :- "We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"

Glasgow :- "a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

America :- there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die"

Glasgow :- "There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"

America :- "I’m too traumatised even to speak, I thought I was gonna die"

Glasgow :- "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

And finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........John Smeaton (these are real) John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new.

The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" –
he replied :- "This is Glasgow - we'll just set about you"

John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !

[Shamou]

Apologies to Confucius..


Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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[Gautam]

Knock Knock!
'Who's there?'
'Nobody'
'Nobody who?'
'...'

[Gautam]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Good one Niki...

---------------------------------------------------------

This is not a joke but I find it funny...

.

It's funny but Polar bears exist only in the North Pole and Penguins only in the South...

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Gautam

It's funny but Polar bears exist only in the North Pole and Penguins only in the South...

Don't let a small detail like that spoil a good joke...

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[Gautam]

Teacher: "Can any one use the word 'officiate' in a sentence?"
Keenan puts his hand up
Teacher: "Yes Keenan?"
Keenan: "My friend got sick because of 'a-fish-he-ate'.."


Sad one I know... ripped it from Keenan & Kel.

[Gautam]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Don't let a small detail like that spoil a good joke...

.

Shamou- very impressed by all your posts, they really cracked me up good. Keep them coming my friend.

Cheers!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Gautam

Shamou- very impressed by all your posts, they really cracked me up good. Keep them coming my friend.

Cheers!

Thank you my friend...

----------------------------------------------------------

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name.

The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

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[Shamou]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

----------------------------------------------------

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a time or two."

.

[Gautam]

Hey I spent 5 hours today going through each and every post in this thread.. and now my stomach hurts.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Gautam

Hey I spent 5 hours today going through each and every post in this thread.. and now my stomach hurts.

Hey... my friend... in humor, just like any other of life's pleasure... you gotta know when to stop...

However, congratulation on your feat... you probably list it as some kind of record on the "Guinness World Records"...

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[Shamou]

A handy guide for men:
13 Things PMS Stands For:



1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

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[Shamou]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road!"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.

I tried to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

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[Gordon]

Two cows in a field and one turns to the other and says, "Here lass, what do you think of this mad cow disease?"

And the other cow turns round and says, "Well it doesn't really effect me. I'm a chicken!!"