Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the salesclerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"There are three types," replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

.

[Shamou]

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

.

[Shamou]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember.


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

.

[jwz]

They should make your daily jokes mandatory, Shamou.
This is the one place I check every day. :-)

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by jwz

They should make your daily jokes mandatory, Shamou.
This is the one place I check every day. :-)

Thank you for saying that...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

---------------------------------------------------------

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of unfriendly natives.

Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out:

"No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief.

He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again:

"Okay... NOW you're toast!"

--------------------------------------------------------

At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

.

[Shamou]

Six stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly

2: Try weekly

3: Try weakly

4. Try oysters

5: Try anything

6: Try to remember

---------------------------------------------------------


After retiting as a 65 year old man, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said,"Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."

---------------------------------------------------------


There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head."

.

[Shamou]

Some senior moments....................



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was."

.

[Shamou]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful
young woman waiting for a bus was wearing a very tight
mini skirt. As the bus stopped, and it was her turn to
get on, she suddenly realized that her skirt was too
tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a
little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step,
only to discover that she still couldn't make it.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for
the second time, attempted the step. Once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high
enough.

With a little smile to the driver, she reached behind
to unzip a little more, but, again, was unable to make
the step.

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her
easily picked her up by the waist and placed her
gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic,
turned to the would-be Samaritan, and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

.

[Shamou]

A man has been suffering excruciating headaches for years and finally goes to see the doctor. After a thorough examination the doc sighs and tells the man that he knows what's causing his headaches, but that the cure may be worse than the illness. The man insists that the doc explains and the doctor says, "You're spine is pressing into your balls, that's what's causing the pain. The only way I can stop the headaches is to cut your balls off, I'm really sorry".

The man thinks for a while and finally decides that he can't live with the pain of the headaches any more. He goes back to the doc and has the painful operation.

A few days later he is released from hospital, and, on his way home decides to stop and do some shopping in town. As he walks down the high street, he sees a tailor's shop and decides to treat himself to a new suit, to re-build his self-esteem.

He goes in and looks around, the tailor is a little old man who's worked in the trade for years and is keen to help. The man picks out a jacket and the tailor says "Ah, excellent choice, sir, a 46 regular for you I think" "Don't you need to measure me?" asks the man. "Not at all", says the tailor, "I can do this by eye, as I have years of experience". Trying the jacket on, the man is amazed at the perfect fit. He asks the tailor for a shirt to match and the tailor gives him a 17.5 collar, again without measuring, insisting that his years of experience make it easy for him. The process is repeated for a pair of trousers, by now the man is amazed at how good the tailor is.

Finally the man decides that a new set of underwear is in order, "Certainly, sir, a 38 for you I think" "ah-ha", says the man, "I've caught you this time! I wear 36, and I have done all my life!"

The tailor looks confused and finally says..."But sir, if someone with your build was to wear a size 36, they would push your balls into your spine and give you the most terrible headaches"

.

[Niki]

"Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


whoa, I'm allmost falling of my chair here !!!

Good jokes Shamou !!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Niki

"Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


whoa, I'm allmost falling of my chair here !!!

Good jokes Shamou !!

Thank you Niki...

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20 Years With My Wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."

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Bumper Stickers:

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

I have a gun and PMS, Any questions?

Better living through denial

Too many freaks not enough circuses

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

This day was a total waste of makeup.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

You took an IQ test and the results were negative.

.

[Shamou]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
And that's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'

"I don't remember much after that."

---------------------------------------------------


Here are some love poems:

Roses r blue, Violets r red, Im crap with colours, but wicked in bed

Roses r red, Violets r blue, God made me pretty, so what happend 2 u?

Roses r red, Violets r blue but yo' momma's fat and so are you!

Roses are red, violets are blue, what you need is a better shampoo

Roses are red, violets are blue, you asked what's stupid, and I answered - that's you.

Roses are red, violets are green, you look like the monster in the film Halloween.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Your breath is as bad as really old stew.

Roses are red, violets are grey, I hate to say this, but your brother is gay.

.

[RubyDiamond]

Enjoying all these jokes!! TFS

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by RubyDiamond

Enjoying all these jokes!! TFS

Thank you Ruby...

-----------------------------------------------------------

THE BURGLER

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

.

[Shamou]

commandments

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Shamou

About Bill Gates...

Developers, developers, developers, developers....

[Old Soul]

Humor is great for the spirit and for the mind...

Agreed!!


Professional Laugher's Club

When laughter is a friend of your's
You have found a true friend indeed
A healthy way to view life's bloopers
And a little healing for dis-ease
So let the tears roll down your cheeks
As laughter posesses your every emotion
And hold your stomach gleefully
As if in true devotion
As a professional laugher
A master of the trade
One might be compared to solitare
Without the Ace of spades
But pay em all no never mind
And continue to laugh
All heartedly
Because in only a matter of time
Other's will join you
Contagiously!

[Old Soul]

We have been married for 25 yrs...

come to think of it criminals get shorter sentences ....:-)

[Old Soul]

Here's another (twas the worst of time, twas the best of time)

I could have said I love you
One thousand times and more
If I hadn't found you drunk as a skunk
Passed out on my living room floor:-)

[Old Soul]

laugh!! good one

How do you make Holy water? ..... You boil the hell out of it :-)

[Old Soul]

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot".

ROFLOL haha good one

[Shamou]

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

---------------------------------------------------

A man arrives at work covered in scratches and bite marks, his suit torn, his tie all crooked and his face bruised. Seeing the state he's in, a colleague asks, "

What happened? Did you have an accident? No the guy replies. " I just buried my mother-in-law."

But how did you get all those injuries? "

She didn't want to get in the coffin!"

--------------------------------------------------------

The Hunting Trip....


A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood Curdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be Quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the Snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over My shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp Stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?" ............. Well, I guess I just Panicked................"

.

[Amit_S]

Hey Shamou
Its 4.36 am here right now. I was tired, feeling a little low mentally....
Thats why i came here..i knew u would have some new ones! Thnx !
G'night now! time for me to hit the bed.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Amit_S

Hey Shamou
Its 4.36 am here right now. I was tired, feeling a little low mentally....
Thats why i came here..i knew u would have some new ones! Thnx !
G'night now! time for me to hit the bed.

Thank you Amit_S

--------------------------------------------------------

A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

A very old man lay dying in his bed.



While in death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.



Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.



With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There spread out upon the newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

---------------------------------------------------------

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

---------------------------------------------------------

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
His mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
Sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
Wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
She overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
Other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful but, listen very very closely......















A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

.

[Shamou]

Before the computer:


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy ....
... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

---------------------------------------------------------

New Lyrics to Beatles Song - "Yesterday"

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be.
And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed, so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong,
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone,
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
the need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

---------------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates And God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

---------------------------------------------------------

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

.

[Kaddizzle]

Alright alright, I have one. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY BLONDE JOKES YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THIS... but you would be kinda overly dramatic.

So there was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette. They were discussing the lunch that was given to them and how they hated it.

The brunette said, "If my mom packs me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich one more time I'll jump off this darn building!"

The red head said, "If I get a balonie sandwich one more time for lunch I'll jump off this building too!!!"

Then the blondie said, "If I get a chicken sandwich one more time for lunch I'll jump off this building!"

The next day the mothers of the girls found their daughters dead and grieved over them.

The brunette's mom cried, "I shouldn't have given my daughter peanut butter and jelly!"

The red head's mom moaned, "I shouldn't have given my daughter a balonie sandwich!"

The blondie's mom stuttered, "Well... my daughter packs her own lunch..."

[Shamou]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep, and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"

---------------------------------------------------------


Don't mess with Mom...

The Child's Comments and Thoughts


My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I! can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Mom's reply...


to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

.

[jwz]

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

-Last years winner of the hide-and-seek competition.

[Gordon]

A beautiful woman walks into a cocktail bar and orders a "Double entendre".

So the barman gave her one!!

[Jenny]

Why did the blonde have bruises all around her belly button?

Because blonde guys aren't all that bright either...