| |||||||
| Fun & Recreation Travel, vacationing, enjoying life, pleasurable experiences, adventure, games, jokes, humorous stories |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
10-22-2009, 11:59 PM
| #1261 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,218
 | 
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’ ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’ ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun. ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?’ |
|      |
|
10-24-2009, 02:18 PM
| #1264 (permalink) |
| Retired Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,068
 |
The Zen of Sarcasm: 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt & leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. And... 22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
|
| |
|
11-10-2009, 12:56 PM
| #1276 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 591
|
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."  |
|
| |
), this is not for you. |
11-11-2009, 01:54 AM
| #1278 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 70
| meow!
I live in Japan and when I first got here my Japanese was kind of dodgy (it's not exactly fluent now). I went to a restaurant with a few friends and, as I was vegetarian at the time - and mindful of what I was eating, brushed up on a few phrases so I could explain that I didn't eat meat or fish. However....I got the words for meat (niku) and cat (neko) mixed up. So there I was explaining to the poor old waiter that I didn't eat fish or cat. He kind of stared at me...probably wondering why on earth this foreigner thought that Japanese eat cats. Anyway, I eventually worked out the mistake and explained that I didn't eat meat, fish and definately not cat. Today, I am no longer vegetarian but you'll be pleased to hear that I still don't eat cat. Cheers, Rob |
|
| |
|
11-23-2009, 10:02 PM
| #1279 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,218
|
Power of a badge - DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! " |
|
| |
|
11-24-2009, 12:28 PM
| #1280 (permalink) |
| Retired Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,068
|
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns  Dear Ask John: I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Kate - - - Dear Kate: Yes, I can almost surely help you. A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking for debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Regards, John |
|
| |
|
11-24-2009, 05:06 PM
| #1281 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 6,439
| Quote:
just kidding, good one. | |
|
| |
|
11-25-2009, 02:00 AM
| #1282 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Sitting by the fire at the Inn of the Last Home
Posts: 5,799
| Christopher Walken performs Poker Face
Christopher Walken performs Poker Face by Lady GaGa. LOL. YouTube - Lada Gaga's Poker Face read by Christopher Walken - Friday Night with Jonathan Ross - BBC One |
|
| |
|
11-26-2009, 01:35 AM
| #1284 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,218
|
This utube video always cracks me up. i dont know why, but it does! YouTube - Vader Dances to Hammer You Can't Touch This Dance: Star Wars weekends 2009 Disney |
|
| |
|
11-27-2009, 05:46 PM
| #1285 (permalink) |
| Retired Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,068
|
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. |
|
| |
|
11-29-2009, 06:01 PM
| #1288 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 6,439
|
This is funny. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" (Hint for non-physicists : Neutron is a particle that has no charge, positive or negative. )
|
|
| |
|
11-29-2009, 06:33 PM
| #1289 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,218
| Quote:
| |
|
| |
|
11-30-2009, 04:56 PM
| #1290 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 6,439
|
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates. |
|
| |
|
| Bookmarks |
« Previous Thread
|
Next Thread »
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
Linear Mode
| |
Similar Threads | ||||
| Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
| Humor Skills | stabory | Social & Relationships | 4 | 11-24-2007 03:58 PM |
| Religious Humor | Angela | Fun & Recreation | 25 | 10-30-2007 04:15 PM |
| Daily Thought (humor) | Lil Chris | Fun & Recreation | 0 | 07-12-2007 11:26 AM |
| Life Without a God (humor) | Michael Chui | Spirituality, Consciousness, & Awareness | 6 | 03-15-2007 03:05 AM |
| The key to humor... | nvictor | Fun & Recreation | 4 | 02-05-2007 01:02 PM |
All times are GMT. The time now is 06:59 PM.