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10-22-2009, 11:59 PM
| #1261 (permalink) |
| Moderator  Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,102
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’ ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’ ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun. ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?’ |
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10-24-2009, 02:18 PM
| #1264 (permalink) |
| Senior Member  Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,030
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The Zen of Sarcasm: 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt & leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. And... 22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
__________________ You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf  Do or do not. There is no try. |
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10-26-2009, 07:09 PM
| #1265 (permalink) |
| Senior Member  Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 570
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Good ones, Tanja.  Especially loved Nos. 1, 8, 10 and 18. Btw, no 13 is a line of Dire Straits song, The Bug.
__________________ There is more to life than increasing it's speed. --Gandhi Last edited by cacheborn; 10-26-2009 at 07:12 PM. |
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10-28-2009, 08:11 AM
| #1269 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,030
| Quote:
__________________ You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf Do or do not. There is no try. | |
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11-10-2009, 12:56 PM
| #1276 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 417
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." |
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11-10-2009, 04:55 PM
| #1277 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 570
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Okay, if you are a Microsoft fan (is that a contradiction in terms?  ), this is not for you. It's Craig Ferguson making fun of the Microsoft product, Zune. I thought it was quite hilarious
__________________ There is more to life than increasing it's speed. --Gandhi |
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11-11-2009, 01:54 AM
| #1278 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 23
| meow!
I live in Japan and when I first got here my Japanese was kind of dodgy (it's not exactly fluent now). I went to a restaurant with a few friends and, as I was vegetarian at the time - and mindful of what I was eating, brushed up on a few phrases so I could explain that I didn't eat meat or fish. However....I got the words for meat (niku) and cat (neko) mixed up. So there I was explaining to the poor old waiter that I didn't eat fish or cat. He kind of stared at me...probably wondering why on earth this foreigner thought that Japanese eat cats. Anyway, I eventually worked out the mistake and explained that I didn't eat meat, fish and definately not cat. Today, I am no longer vegetarian but you'll be pleased to hear that I still don't eat cat. Cheers, Rob
__________________ http://joy-of-cartoon-pictures.com |
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