Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

So I am sitting in a conference room by myself, preparing for a meeting when I here a mild argument outside the door.

A few months back I posted a story detailing how an employee ("Doug") from the front would answer the questions spoken loudly by another employee when he was on the phone. Apparently this same employee was being moved to another section due to the entire department being moved to another area.

The object of the argument is Doug is being moved into the cubicle of an engineer named "Carl" who left the company.

Picture this, the IT guy is moving Dougs PC into the new cubicle while Doug is protesting to his manager that his phone number has not been moved over and he is answering calls for the engineer who has LEFT the company.

IT guy: We are very busy and can't move your phone number until next week! (walks off).

Doug: I MUST have my phone number! The contacts I use have my old phone number and I will miss calls plus I keep getting phone calls from vendors asking for Carl!

Manager: Just bear with the situation.

At that moment the phone rings, Doug picks up the phone and says (I am crying here)

Hello? No I'm sorry Carl left the company and had that operation he had been wanting, he would like to be called Carla now, would you like her new phone number?
OK bye!



I dropped the marker I was holding in the conference room and turned around and saw Dougs manager standing there bug-eyed while looking at Doug who was sitting calmly in his chair arranging his books.

Manager: You...you...what did you do!?!?!?

Doug: What?

Manager: You can't say things like that! What if it came back Carls old company was telling people that?

Doug: What are you talking about? Are you feeling ok?

Manager: YOU JUST SAID CARL HAD A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION!?!?

Doug: What? No I didn't!

Manager: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!!

At that moment, the phone rang again.

Hello? No I'm sorry Carl ran screaming out of the building two weeks ago and we haven't seen him since. May I take a message? Ok Bye!



At this point I had to sit down I was laughing so hard. "Doug" kept working away calmly while the manager stood there with an open mouth.

Manager: YOU DID IT AGAIN!

Doug: What?

Manager: YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!!!

Doug: What in the world are you talking about? Are you feeling ok?

Manager: I see your game now! You..

At this point, as if there is a cosmic joker somewhere, the phone rang again and the manager LEAPED into the cubicle and grabbed the phone.

Manager: GIVE ME THAT!!! HELLO!...HELLO! Oh..they hung up.

The manager then hung up the phone and made a phone call.

Manager: Switch Dougs old number to this phone NOW! I don't care! Switch it NOW and I will talk to your boss!

At that point the manager left shaking his head while muttering something about lawsuits and insanity.

I looked at Doug who kept working, he then looked at me and winked, pulled a cell phone out from somewhere and put it on the desk.

I think I found a new hero.

[Adrienne]

thanks Daffy And Engle! great jokes!

[Adrienne]

The Nude Gambler!

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."


With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

[backpocket]

Adrienne, I LOVE your story about Doug. I think I have to start a fan club for him.:P

[Daffy Duck]

KittyWigs.com

And yes, that Doug story is beyond hilarious.

[WanderingOak]

Sale of a Lifetime

About 3 weeks ago, I took an old freezer burned smoked turkey out of my freezer at my warehouse and threw it in the dumpster. Pick up was the next morning early.

When the truck dumped the dumpster, the now thawed out turkey fell to the ground, about 4 feet from the dumpster.

We all joked about it as it layed there rotting in the sun, as to who was gonna pick it up and throw it away. Nobody, including me, stepped up and pitched it.

So, today, nearly 3 weeks of rotting in the sun, the thing smelled to high heaven. It was so nasty it was actually sinking into the asphalt pad.

I was standing outside, about 30 feet from it, waiting for my buddy to come by and pick me up for lunch, when an old red, beatup chevy pulled up to me.

This is the conversation which ensued:

Hey Man.....what the H stinks when I drive by here?

A turkey ( I pointed to the blob on the asphalt )

Whatya doin with a turkey out here like that?

( At that point, I decided to have some fun )

Curin' it.

Curin' it??? How come???

Makes good stink bait for catfishin'

Really??? I'm goin fishing tonight! How much you want for it?

( this is all true )

Well, I usually get $10 for 'em, but since this one ain't quite ready and you need it tonight, I'll take $5 for this one.

I'll take it! ( as he gets out of the car and hands me a fiver )

****now, this thing was as nasty as anything I could imagine. I wouldn't have picked it up with anything less than a shovel.****

Hey Man ( I said ), I think it'll be just about right tonight if you stow it in the trunk of your car for the rest of today. Heat in there is prolly just about right to finish it off.

Sounds good. ( said my turkey buyer )

*** He bent down and picked up this blob of plastic wrapped goo with his bare hands like he had just found a gold brick on the ground. I mean this was NASTY! Snotlike goo was dripping down through his fingers and hanging there like the contents of the wastecan at the Kleenex Testing Facility.

Into the trunk it went. At closing time tonight...we could still smell the funk hanging in the air where the mess had layed.*****

I am a salesman. I found my calling.


I hope he catches a fish tonight.

[machoman]

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.

* * *

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

* * *

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

* * *

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

* * *

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.

* * *

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

* * *

Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

* * *

Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!

* * *

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

* * *

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

[machoman]

Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-*******.

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.

Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.

Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!

[machoman]

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

* * *

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

* * *

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

* * *

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

* * *

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

[machoman]

Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!

Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!

Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!

Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!

Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!

Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!

Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!

[machoman]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[machoman]

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge talking about Mozart

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me."
- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
- Groucho Marx

"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
- Mick Ronson

"Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I"
- John Dryden on his wife

"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
- Herman J. Mankiewicz

"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese

"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
- Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
- Charivari on Claude Monet

[machoman]

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

[machoman]

Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!

Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!

Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!

Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!

Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom

[machoman]

Q: What do monsters make with cars?
A: Traffic Jam

Q: What do you call the elephant witch doctor?
A: Mumbo Jumbo

Q: Why did the pony cough?
A: He was a little hoarse!

Q: What do sheep do on sunny days?
A: Have a baa - baa - cue!

Q: How do you know when a dog has been naughty?
A: It leaves a little poodle on the carpet!

Q: Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches?
A: In a Launch box

Q: What do you call the pub on Mars?
A: A Mars Bar!

Q: Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom?
A: I must have left the landing light on

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Spatula!

Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with!

[machoman]

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.

She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the row-boat?"

"I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, but", asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she continued. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs...

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is", the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

[machoman]

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see.

As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion. "Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.

"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

[machoman]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[machoman]

• "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

• "I have a 386 Pentium."

• "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key." Customer: "Oh."

• "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

[machoman]

• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

[machoman]

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having s** with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of S***!

[machoman]

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "A*****e!"

...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.

[machoman]

A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

[machoman]

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

[machoman]

One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."

This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."

"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."
************************************************** *********
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
************************************************** *******

[Engle]

A tourist walking through the Scottish highlands comes across a grumpy old Scotsman.

Tourist : Good Day, why so down ?
Grumpy Scotsman : You see that barn there by the hills ? I built it with me own two hands. Do you think they'd call me McGregor the barn-builder ? No.

Tourist : OK
G.Scotsman : And you see that bridge over by yonder ? Built it meself. Do you think they'd call me McGregor the bridge builder ? No.

But you fuk just one goat .....

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by backpocket

Adrienne, I LOVE your story about Doug. I think I have to start a fan club for him.:P

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

KittyWigs.com

And yes, that Doug story is beyond hilarious.

hehehe thanks guys.

Originally Posted by WanderingOak

Sale of a Lifetime

About 3 weeks ago, I took an old freezer burned smoked turkey out of my freezer at my warehouse and threw it in the dumpster. Pick up was the next morning early.

When the truck dumped the dumpster, the now thawed out turkey fell to the ground, about 4 feet from the dumpster.

We all joked about it as it layed there rotting in the sun, as to who was gonna pick it up and throw it away. Nobody, including me, stepped up and pitched it.

So, today, nearly 3 weeks of rotting in the sun, the thing smelled to high heaven. It was so nasty it was actually sinking into the asphalt pad.

I was standing outside, about 30 feet from it, waiting for my buddy to come by and pick me up for lunch, when an old red, beatup chevy pulled up to me.

This is the conversation which ensued:

Hey Man.....what the H stinks when I drive by here?

A turkey ( I pointed to the blob on the asphalt )

Whatya doin with a turkey out here like that?

( At that point, I decided to have some fun )

Curin' it.

Curin' it??? How come???

Makes good stink bait for catfishin'

Really??? I'm goin fishing tonight! How much you want for it?

( this is all true )

Well, I usually get $10 for 'em, but since this one ain't quite ready and you need it tonight, I'll take $5 for this one.

I'll take it! ( as he gets out of the car and hands me a fiver )

****now, this thing was as nasty as anything I could imagine. I wouldn't have picked it up with anything less than a shovel.****

Hey Man ( I said ), I think it'll be just about right tonight if you stow it in the trunk of your car for the rest of today. Heat in there is prolly just about right to finish it off.

Sounds good. ( said my turkey buyer )

*** He bent down and picked up this blob of plastic wrapped goo with his bare hands like he had just found a gold brick on the ground. I mean this was NASTY! Snotlike goo was dripping down through his fingers and hanging there like the contents of the wastecan at the Kleenex Testing Facility.

Into the trunk it went. At closing time tonight...we could still smell the funk hanging in the air where the mess had layed.*****

I am a salesman. I found my calling.


I hope he catches a fish tonight.

hahaha awesome thanks for the joke

Originally Posted by machoman

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having s** with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of S***!

This has been one of my favs for years! thanks for all the jokes

[Adrienne]

Star Trek Lost Episode Transcript

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled:
"What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer:
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate."

Picard:
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency
escape sequence 3F ..."

Geordi, excited:
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU
HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together horrified:
"Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
pieces of paper."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --
it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."

[machoman]

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

[machoman]

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

* * *

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!