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10-21-2008, 07:59 AM
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 It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
__________________ “Remember, you attract to your life whatever you give your attention,energy and focus to, whether wanted or unwanted.” Michael J. Losier Last edited by machoman : 10-21-2008 at 08:02 AM.      |
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11-02-2008, 10:21 PM
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| A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32 " the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,"I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You're 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?". The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's." |
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11-11-2008, 04:04 AM
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| a few good jokes What is a libertarian salad? Lettuce alone! How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Market will take care of it. What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law-abiding and truthful? A tourist What did the blonde say to the Doctor when he told her that she was pregnant? Is it mine? Why did the blonde inspector get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the W's. ----- A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish." The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii." The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. "No, that is just too much to ask." The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental... you know, what makes them tick?" The genie thinks a second, and says, ............. "Would that road be two lanes or four?" ----- Three men, a German, a French and a Chinese were going on a camping trip. The German pretty much took charge, and planned what each should do to insure a successful outing. "I'll Collect wood. Frenchie, you set up the camp, and Chen, you take care of the supplies." Later that evening, the wood was collected, the camp was all set up, and the German and Frenchman were very hungry and wondering what the heck had happened to the Chinaman. Off a sudden, one of the bags starts to shake and Chen jumps out of it yelling "Supplize!, Supplize!" ----- These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what's your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?" The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" ----- It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation... Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming..... ----- Three guys are in a jail cell. They start to talking and find out that they’re all gas station owners. The first one says, “I set my prices at a couple of cents higher than my competitors. I’m in here for price-gouging.” The second one says “I set my prices at a couple of cents lower than my competitors. I’m in here for predatory practices.” The third one says “I set my prices at the same price as my competitors. I’m in here for collusion!” ----- Ron Paul is the only political virgin in the U.S. Congress; he's never screwed America. Hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to........ SANTA! How many Spiritualists does it take to change a light bulb? None - they prefer to work in the dark! How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb? "We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow." How do you get 20 hippies into a phone booth? Throw in a joint. How do you get them out? Throw in a bar of soap. How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags. Why did the hippie cross the road? Cuz someone told him not to... Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man! How do you know a hippie has been staying at your house? He's still there. What do you call a hippie that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless! Atheism is a non-prophet organization. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything. How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
__________________ ~Lauxa~ |
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12-08-2008, 10:34 PM
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| Holiday Eating Tips 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple , Pumpkin, Mincemeat . Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a great holiday season!
__________________ If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought. ~ Peace Pilgrim ~ Movies, e-Books & Audio Downloads |
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12-27-2008, 07:05 AM
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| A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'...........And before he could say 'Sh*t', the Rottweiler ate him! The teacher wet her pants laughing...... |
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01-01-2009, 02:42 AM
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| My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast- talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired. Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned. We arrived at my workbench, where I am currently trying to figure why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked. "At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said. "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!" I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!" "You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do." "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered. "Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom." "But...." I tried to say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye" She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could. As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea. One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence. After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again funda- mentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs. His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr. Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament. Finally, he spoke. "What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot. I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing. |
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01-01-2009, 03:39 AM
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LOL  |
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01-01-2009, 08:59 AM
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| HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A short time time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manage. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you must be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, “That was fantastic, but I’m sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire has to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager. The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, “Hey, I realize that you are a ! very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you’re a dog - no way could I hire you.” The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, “Equal Opportunity Employer.” The exasperated manager said, “Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, “Meow.” |
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01-01-2009, 07:24 PM
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| Uh... I don't really make jokes. I just say stupid things all the time. Poop.
__________________ Live to be Alive - Passion for Life OWLS Entertainment - Free Short Films Jay on Facebook Jay on Twitter |
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01-04-2009, 07:41 PM
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| Alternate Ending to The Empire Strikes Back A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down. Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father." Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!" Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!" Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible." Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true." Luke: "NO!" Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?" Luke: "Threepio?" Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old." Luke: "No." Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp." Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!" Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!" Luke: "Well, it's not my fault." Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith .. waahhh wahhh!'" Luke: "Shut up." Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!" Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!" Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby! Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it. Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine." Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him. Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!" |
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01-04-2009, 11:13 PM
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LOL |
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01-04-2009, 11:13 PM
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Yesterday, 01:18 PM
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| There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it. There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch. There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view. There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich. There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich. So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river. The moral of the story is...When the fly drops six inches the ***** gets wet
__________________ “Remember, you attract to your life whatever you give your attention,energy and focus to, whether wanted or unwanted.” Michael J. Losier |
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Yesterday, 07:56 PM
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naughty very naughty  |
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