Fun and Humor Time

[Mark Lapierre]

Hahahaha! That'll learn em!

[Shamou]

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;

- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,
.
.
.
.
.
Shoot the dog...

.

[Love]

Thank you, Shamou. This thread brings smiles!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Love

Thank you, Shamou. This thread brings smiles!

Nice of you to say that... I appreciate it...

-------------------------------------------------------------

6 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".!



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



The children had all been photographed, and ! the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

.

[Mark Lapierre]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Shamou]

That's hilarious Mark... thanks for sharing...

.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

hah, hah. These two are the best, wonder if the witness was just being a smart ass answering oral?

[Shamou]

With all my apologies to all the ladies here...

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that
beer contains female hormones (hops contains phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight.

2. Talked excessively without making sense.

3. Became overly emotional.

4. Couldn't drive.

5. Failed to think rationally.

6. Argued over nothing.

7. Had to sit down while urinating.

8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary to validate this theory.

.

[Adrienne]

hehehe mark and shamou those are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adrienne

[Shamou]

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY here ever tells me anything!!!

.

[Calculusaurus]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

What a great response

[Shamou]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a long silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says,

"OK, now what?"

.

[Shamou]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

.

[Zukin]

Another hunting joke:

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked...."

[Shamou]

You're An EXTREME Red neck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the
same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms
so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying,
"Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled
Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth
than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the
fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get
a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

.

[Shamou]

Top 20 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds.

(excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)


20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

15. Great Dames for sale.

14. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

9. Man, honest. Will take anything.

8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating

5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

.

[Shamou]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

.

[escapee]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

"Two weeks ago," I said, ``was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.

``I said to myself 'Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

``As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss--Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.

``I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, 'You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'

``We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

``On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'

``She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'

``We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.

``She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.''

[Shamou]

escapee... very funny... thank you for sharing that...

.

[Gordon]

Do you shop at Wal-Mart?, this may be useful to know.

This happened to me at the Wal-Mart store where I live and it could happen to you...... BEWARE - Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a soapy sponge with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It's just impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead, they ask you for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

Please beware

Regards

Gordon

[Shamou]

Honeymoon at Home

Bob and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Bob's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Bob's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Bob and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Bob came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

.

[Shamou]

Circumcised - this is priceless!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???...

.

[Shamou]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND NEARLY EVERYONE

Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage.... along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy
tale?
A. A northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..." southern fairy tale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap.

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

.

[Shamou]

AN ELDERLY MAN IN PHOENIX calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares . . .
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

.

[Shamou]

Before you choose a Halloween costume this year, it's important to consider whether it's appropriate. You may feel your costume is creative, but in these politically correct times, you need to take the feelings of others into account! The following costumes have been deemed politically incorrect, so beware.

Raggedy Ann. This costume clearly objectifies women.

Werewolf. Offensive to animal advocates and those with male-pattern baldness.

Cave man. The proper term should be "evolutionally challenged"; "man" is overtly sexist; also insulting to those in loincloths.

Cop. Authority figures should not be ridiculed.

Grim Reaper. Trivializes death; may also encourage children to use scythes without the necessary supervision.

Napoleon. Offends the French. (In much the same way deodorant does.)

Frankenstein's Monster. Pokes fun at those with psychological or emotional problems, as well as those with identity crises.

Bride of Frankenstein. Extremely offensive to women—they should not be known by, or valued more, merely because of their husbands.

Skeleton. Exhibits an insensitivity toward those with eating disorders.

Angel. Mocks religion and the religious.

Hunchback of Notre Dame. Ridicules those with physical deformities, as well as those suffering from "ligyrophobia," a fear of noise.

Dracula. Endorses the irresponsible practice of transmitting bodily fluids.

Sigmund Freud. Insults those with the lifelong opinion that a cigar is just a cigar.

Flapper. Demeaning to women and tassel salesmen.

Gladiator. Insensitive to cross-dressers.

Cowboy. Encourages violence, cruelty to animals and spontaneous "whooping."

Mafioso (mobster, "wise guy"). Unfairly stereotypes Italian-Americans. OK, actually, fairly stereotypes Italian-Americans, but it's still stereotyping.

Tarzan. Condones mistreatment of minorities and animals. Again, hurtful to those in loincloths.

Ghost. Glorifies the occult.

Witch. Religious persecution. Also pertains to warlocks, Gnostics, conjurers, chiromancers, shamans and Druids.

Leprechaun. Shows contempt for the Irish-American community, as well as the diminutive.

Presidents. Encourages scorn and contempt for authority figures, at least half of whom have no criminal record whatsoever. (See also "Cop.")

Characters from Star Wars. Offensive to Star Trek fans.

Characters from Star Trek. Offensive to Star Wars fans.

Mummy. Offends Egyptians, embalmers and the undead.

Genie. Objectifies women; subjects those who may be "♥♥♥om challenged" to ridicule. (Note: Same applies to wenches.)

Pirate. Distasteful to those with hooks for hands and the vision impaired (wearers of eye patches), not to mention parrot owners.

Zombie. Disrespectful of the dead.

Princess. Contributes to myth that women must be "rescued" to live happily ever after (same goes for Snow White); also insulting to certain Jewish-Americans.

Gorilla. Condescending to our friends in the wild kingdom.

Medusa. Exploits animals; sends the wrong message to young girls by implying women are defined by their physical appearance.

Gumby. Ridicules those with disfigurements (especially of the head).

Knight. Offensive to dragons, I imagine.

Baby. Promotes a lack of respect for youth, human life and those who drool voluminously.

Biblical Figures. Religion is no laughing matter, except for that part about Noah fitting four million species of animals onto one boat.

Ballerina. Cruelly mocks the short, not to mention the waif-like.

Indian. Native-Americans have been oppressed, slaughtered and persecuted—imitation buckskin and feathers are the final insult.

Devil. Affront to demons and those currently possessed by demons; Satanists are people, too, all right?

Sports Figures. Belittles our heroes.

Convict/Prisoner. See "Sports Figures"—the groups often seem to overlap.

Fairy. Offensive to interior designers and choreographers. (Note: The same guideline applies to sprites and pixies.)

Priest. The Catholic church has enough to worry about without being the butt of jokes (if you'll pardon the expression).

Bandito. Racial stereotype; subtly condones handlebar mustaches.

Headless Horseman. Blatantly sexist; wrongfully pigeonholes equestrians; also involves another physical deformity—offensive to amputees and the headless.

Viking. Endorses razing; in addition, glorifies pillaging and ravishing.

Porky Pig. Insensitive to members of the Jewish-American community (as well as members of Weight Watchers).

Klingon. Unjustly hurtful to illegal, as well as resident, aliens. (See also "Characters from Star Trek.")

Hobo. Derides the economically and hygienically disadvantaged.

Professional wrestlers. Offensive to just about everybody. (See also "Sports Figures.")

Mermaid. Slights women and aquatic life simultaneously.

Daffy Duck. Unkind to those with speech impediments. (Same goes for Elmer Fudd and Barbara Walters.)

Phantom of the Opera. Unfeeling toward those with physical malformations; shows contempt for those committed to ridding the civilized world of musicals.

Ninja. Perpetuates stereotype of Asians; also promotes "lurking."

Albert Einstein. Insulting to those who have a problem comprehending the particle nature of light.

Chinaman. Sexist; racist; upsetting to immigrants and honor students.

Clown. Deeply offensive to Geraldo Rivera.

Aunt Jemima. Racially inflammatory; serves to exacerbate the already incendiary "pancake vs. waffle" debate.

Robin Hood/Merry Men. Suggests an intolerance for those with alternative lifestyles.

Aside from those costumes, you should be just fine. Get out there and enjoy your Halloween! Oh, and don't use the phrase "trick or treat." Hookers are people, too.

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[escapee]

The following joke is intended to put a smile on your face . No offense to those who are in service or retired.

Ex-marine interview

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

[escapee]

Chinese supplies

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

[Shamou]

My apologies to all the Hilary fans... I did not write this joke... just posted it...

Hilary and the cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you,?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

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[Shamou]

RESTROOM SIGNS

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ♥♥♥♥♥.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom.
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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[Shamou]

A good friend is like a good Bra

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

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