Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, B*tch."

[Adrienne]

for all you mario fans out there

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When Saint Peter shows up, they asked him.

Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[Adrienne]

Me: "Hello, how can I help you?"

Client: "Hi! I need a website..."

Me: "Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for."

Client: "Nothing big...just 2-4 pages with my company's info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site."

Me: "Okay, well I would be glad to help you out..."

Client: *interrupts* "One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google."

Me: "Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization..." *explains SEO* "...and generally your page will be indexed within about a month."

Client: "No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in `Dog Grooming' and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also."

Me: "I'm afraid thats impossible. Besides, you're a local dog groomer, in NY, you don't need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it's not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog's hair."

Client: "I guess you're right. Okay, well then lets go with `local dog grooming' instead. How much do you charge for your services?"

Me: "Well ma'am, I'm afraid it's going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as `Local Dog Grooming', but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload-this is not for the SEO you want-possibly...$250."

Client: "That is ridiculous...I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. "

Me: "Ma'am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you're going to need to learn how to use it."

Client: "Well can you teach me?"

Me: "Ummm...I don't mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design, I don't feel comfortable training you. Thats sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it."

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* "The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!" *click*

[Mark Lapierre]

I'd laugh if it wasn't so painfully true

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

I'd laugh if it wasn't so painfully true

Don't i know it.

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[sheffy4]

Adrienne that "marriage in heaven" joke was awesome!

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

Adrienne that "marriage in heaven" joke was awesome!

Glad you enjoyed it!! lets see if i find some more awesome ones tonight!
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"

[Adrienne]

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.

So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)

Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts ****in. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a word, though.

Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

[Woohoo]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[Woohoo]

A first grade teacher was trying to stimulate creative thinking in her pupils. She stood in front of the class with her hands behind her back and said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's round and it fits in the palm of my hand. Who can guess what it is?"

Billy's hand went up and he asked, "Is it a baseball?"

"No, Billy," replied the teacher, "It's not a baseball. But you're thinking, and I like that."

Suzy's hand went up and she asked, "Is it an orange?"

"No, Suzy," replied the teacher, "It's not an orange. But you're thinking, and I like that."

Then Johnny spoke up: "Hey, teach, I don't know what you got in your hand, but I got something for you in my pocket. It's long and hard and pink on one end."

Shocked, the teacher cried, "Johnny, that's disgusting! You march yourself to the principals office right this instant!"

"Hey, relax," said Johnny. "I was talking about my pencil... But you're thinking, and I like that."

[kpugh]

Some research on laughter...
- People think they smile 65% more than they actually do
- 100 laughs is equivalent to the aerobic benefits of 10 min. on rowing machine
- 15 min. laughter is equivalent to the relaxing effect of 8 hrs. meditation
- 10 min. laughter is equivalent to the relaxing effect of 2 hrs. sleep

The average kindergartner laughs 400x a day! By Age 35, that number drops to 15x a day. Sad, isn't it? By comparison, the average adult passes gas 22x a day!

Lesson: laugh more than you fart!

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Gordon]

Jesus was hanging on the cross and he calls out to his mother Mary. "Mary, my mother, please come forward, I have something to share with you."

Mary, weeping comes forwards and says, 'Yes my son, what do you want to say?'

Jesus repies, "Don't eat my Easter Egg, I'll be back on Monday'.

[Gordon]

Jesus was hanging on the cross and he calls out to his Peter the disciple. "Peter, my favourite disciple, please come forward, I have something to share with you."

Peter, weeping comes forwards through the crowd and the wrath of the Roman guards, who stab him and try to break his body. With his broken body he lies at the foot of the cross and says, 'Yes my Lord, what do you want to say?'

Jesus repies, "I can see your house from here'.

[Adrienne]

Love this baby outfit. i would so put a kid in it.

Adrienne