Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

Free to Good Home


After hanging up with a woman who's husband has made the infamous "it's me or the dog" threat, I assured her that I would put the word out there today. I'm confident if we all work together, a loving, permanent home can be found. So, here goes, feel free to cross post.

FREE TO GOOD HOME:

Male, age 38 - however, sometimes can act just like a two year old. Will sometimes throw hissy fits if he doesn't get his own way. Prefers women, although if the *right* guy came along, who knows? VERY possessive of the remote control, if you try and touch it, he may attack. He will sit with you for short periods, but cuddling, not-so-much, unless he wants something. Favorite foods are Pizza and Beer, and that's Real Beer, not light beer. Will get an attitude if you mention that Real Beer will make him look pregnant. Messy. Loud. Knows some tricks, such as the quarterback dance.

Can be obnoxious at times, very sweet and loving at other times. Not a bad sort, really, but current owner just can't live with the drama anymore.

If you're interested in acquiring him shipping is an option. You must pay for First Class - sorry, but as noted above he's dramatic. He does not have a crate, but comes with his own recliner. Comes with some money, but will get an attitude if you ask for some.

Call or e-mail for more info!

[Adrienne]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "


The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,

"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in
Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

"Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."



The bear looks at him quizzically and says,

"I'm not on drugs."



The bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

This should be my motto...

[Adrienne]

unusual ebay feedback

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior.

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving into men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never under estimate the evil of a woman.

[Adrienne]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[Adrienne]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.



He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.



One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.



As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.



As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.



One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"



The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up He said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."





Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Adrienne]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[Adrienne]

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store.

A kind old neighbour woman,MariBeth, mistook Joe for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

MariBeth fainted.

[Adrienne]

hehehe the geek in my enjoyed this..

what viruses do

1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

[Adrienne]

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the
first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish
to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

-------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the
question.

------------------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air
headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

a**hole.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Bitch.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Slut.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Get f****d.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Eat s**t.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

************************************************** ***********

(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.



Adrienne really liked this one too

[Adrienne]

Office Dares
ONE-POINT DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself, 10 if you sing it through to the end).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don't remove it.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

[Adrienne]

glumbert - Say this tongue twister, or else...

only watch this when you are really really mad at men.. funny but.. wow makes you wonder who would do such a thing? is there really a prize big enough????

yes it is in Japanese.. but you really dont have to understand what they are saying.. just watch.


Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

amusing

Adrienne

[Gordon]

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' ..'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night..

[Adrienne]

Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

****!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****in' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals ******** workin' there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another ****in' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the ****in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some ******* to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(****in' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate ****ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST ****ing CHINA!!!

Hamilton, Ontario Canada

[cordis]

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense.........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, at the beginning they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like..Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[Adrienne]

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
and got mauled
and people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage
a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in