Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

wrong.. so wrong.. incredibly wrong.. but funny

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

10 Ways to Piss a Guy Off When He’s Watching Football

1. Stand in front of the t.v. and show him the routine you learned at 5th grade cheerleading camp that’s sort of similar to the one that the Raiderettes do during half-time. Except… make sure that half-time is now over, and if you can’t remember the whole routine, just start over from the beginning.
2. Cheer really loud and jump up and down when the other team scores. When he asks you why you’re cheering for the other team, just say you like their uniforms better.
3. Every time a team makes a first, second, or third down, ask him, “Now who has the ball?”
4. Tell him that you were offered box seats to the game because your boss wasn’t going to use them, but you turned them down. When he gives you a look like he doesn’t believe you, follow up with, “It just didn’t seem like it was going to be a very interesting game.”
5. Volunteer to take care of ordering the food, and instead of pizza and beer, have the pizza guy deliver garden salads and diet soda. When he complains, start crying and tell him you were just trying to look good for him. Be sure to say, “You want me to be fat, don’t you?!”
6. Invite over a bunch of your girlfriends who don’t like football, and then sit next to him on the couch and talk about why good girls always go for ********.
7. Turn the volume down on the t.v. and then take the batteries out of the remote. See how long he pushes the button and smacks the remote against his leg before actually getting off his ass to turn it up “manually.
8. Ask him in approximately four minute intervals, “Now who’s ahead?” When he starts to get annoyed, change the question to “Now how many quarters are in this game?” If he’s listening, he’ll look at you like he’s wondering if you’re serious. When he gives you that look, accuse him of thinking you’re stupid and then launch into a discussion about how important it is for you to feel good about yourself within the context of your relationship with him.
9. Cancel your cable the day of the game. When he freaks out, tell him that he’s the one who wanted you to start spending less on frivolous things. Then, leave him alone while you go get your nails done.
10. Tell him after the first few minutes of the first quarter that you really need to talk about your relationship. When he tries to convince you that he’ll talk about it later, get angry and tell him that he cares more about football than he does about you. When he denies that, say, “If you really cared more about me than that stupid game, you’d turn it off.” Then just stand there.

i really like 6 and 7

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Indian shoots Buffaleo in Bar!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[Adrienne]

Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

[Adrienne]

22 and 24 were my favs..

The 25 Funniest Analogies
The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?

1. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

[Adrienne]

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
TO HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY IS BLEEDING
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[cordis]

Make sure your speakers are on! This link is a great chuckle.

The Outhouse

[Adrienne]

Sometimes you find things on the internet and you just dont know what to make of them.. this would be one of those times...

Filipino Prisoners Perform "Thriller" | Parody & Spoofs | Funny Videos, Pictures and Jokes at JibJab

Its apparently a jail preforming the song thriller. It took me a while to figure out the girl was really a guy....

since it is too weird it was also amusing.. in a weird way.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

I love xkcd, i also love when people try to recreate the comic




and a recreation

[Adrienne]

ok ok ok.. i admit it, i am in a stick figure mood. and i would totally do this.

Adrienne

[cordis]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do any thing that you normally do when playing a roundtogether, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

[cordis]

[cordis]

[cordis]

Dusting

Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture ."

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over"

Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the "condition" of my home .



They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!




Dust if you must ....... but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?!

Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . . with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must , but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!




It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

[Adrienne]

some good limericks

A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.

***********

they say that Dublin has an annual dirty limerick competition, and the winner gets to recite their limerick. well one year it was won by a little old lady who was dreadful embarrassed about it, and she asked the organizers if she could "bleep out" all the extremely naughty words. they consulted and said yes, we suppose that's your prerogative. so she stood up on the rickety podium, looked out at the hundreds of amateur and professional limerick writers and said:

bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep BLEEP
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep -
the bleep bleep bleep bleep
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep f*cksticks.

****************

this one is pretty bad

There was a young surfer named Dave,
Who found a dead whore in a wave.
She had but one tit
and smelled like fish ****
But think of the money he saved.

******************

That twisted ol' dude called Leee,
Had a thing for a woman's knee.
He tossed her a coin
She kicked in his groin
And now he is known as Cicely.

******************


A woman looking for Nabitsuh
Did carry two boxes of tissue
One was for her brow
Winking, she said how
“The rest are for in case he missed you”

*******************

That recently single dude Martin
told his ex-wife "Since our partin'
I've had women and men
Several geese and a hen
and a Hoover, and that's just for startin'."

**********************

there once was a man named mark s
quite strongly opposed to excess
his pontifications?
abbreviations!
now [x] is to [y] = guess

**********************

an aesthete of burly dimension
easton sat in his pew in suspension
for disciples seemed neater
their story much sweeter
when he imagined the sexual tension

**********************

Monica Lewinsky has shown
What Kazynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

************************

another kinda crude one (yes i know, i excel at crude )

A ***om lass of Aberystwyth
Took stones to the mill to grind grist with
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the parts that they pissed with

************************

Adrienne

[Adrienne]