Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

wrong.. so wrong.. incredibly wrong.. but funny

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

10 Ways to Piss a Guy Off When He’s Watching Football

1. Stand in front of the t.v. and show him the routine you learned at 5th grade cheerleading camp that’s sort of similar to the one that the Raiderettes do during half-time. Except… make sure that half-time is now over, and if you can’t remember the whole routine, just start over from the beginning.
2. Cheer really loud and jump up and down when the other team scores. When he asks you why you’re cheering for the other team, just say you like their uniforms better.
3. Every time a team makes a first, second, or third down, ask him, “Now who has the ball?”
4. Tell him that you were offered box seats to the game because your boss wasn’t going to use them, but you turned them down. When he gives you a look like he doesn’t believe you, follow up with, “It just didn’t seem like it was going to be a very interesting game.”
5. Volunteer to take care of ordering the food, and instead of pizza and beer, have the pizza guy deliver garden salads and diet soda. When he complains, start crying and tell him you were just trying to look good for him. Be sure to say, “You want me to be fat, don’t you?!”
6. Invite over a bunch of your girlfriends who don’t like football, and then sit next to him on the couch and talk about why good girls always go for ********.
7. Turn the volume down on the t.v. and then take the batteries out of the remote. See how long he pushes the button and smacks the remote against his leg before actually getting off his ass to turn it up “manually.
8. Ask him in approximately four minute intervals, “Now who’s ahead?” When he starts to get annoyed, change the question to “Now how many quarters are in this game?” If he’s listening, he’ll look at you like he’s wondering if you’re serious. When he gives you that look, accuse him of thinking you’re stupid and then launch into a discussion about how important it is for you to feel good about yourself within the context of your relationship with him.
9. Cancel your cable the day of the game. When he freaks out, tell him that he’s the one who wanted you to start spending less on frivolous things. Then, leave him alone while you go get your nails done.
10. Tell him after the first few minutes of the first quarter that you really need to talk about your relationship. When he tries to convince you that he’ll talk about it later, get angry and tell him that he cares more about football than he does about you. When he denies that, say, “If you really cared more about me than that stupid game, you’d turn it off.” Then just stand there.

i really like 6 and 7

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Indian shoots Buffaleo in Bar!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[Adrienne]

Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

[Adrienne]

22 and 24 were my favs..

The 25 Funniest Analogies
The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?

1. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

[Adrienne]

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
TO HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY IS BLEEDING
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

[cordis]

Make sure your speakers are on! This link is a great chuckle.

The Outhouse

[Adrienne]

Sometimes you find things on the internet and you just dont know what to make of them.. this would be one of those times...

Filipino Prisoners Perform "Thriller" | Parody & Spoofs | Funny Videos, Pictures and Jokes at JibJab

Its apparently a jail preforming the song thriller. It took me a while to figure out the girl was really a guy....

since it is too weird it was also amusing.. in a weird way.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

I love xkcd, i also love when people try to recreate the comic




and a recreation

[Adrienne]

ok ok ok.. i admit it, i am in a stick figure mood. and i would totally do this.

Adrienne

[cordis]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do any thing that you normally do when playing a roundtogether, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

[cordis]

[cordis]

[cordis]

Dusting

Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture ."

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over"

Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the "condition" of my home .



They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!




Dust if you must ....... but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?!

Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . . with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must , but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!




It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

[Adrienne]

some good limericks

A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.

***********

they say that Dublin has an annual dirty limerick competition, and the winner gets to recite their limerick. well one year it was won by a little old lady who was dreadful embarrassed about it, and she asked the organizers if she could "bleep out" all the extremely naughty words. they consulted and said yes, we suppose that's your prerogative. so she stood up on the rickety podium, looked out at the hundreds of amateur and professional limerick writers and said:

bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep BLEEP
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep -
the bleep bleep bleep bleep
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep f*cksticks.

****************

this one is pretty bad

There was a young surfer named Dave,
Who found a dead whore in a wave.
She had but one tit
and smelled like fish ****
But think of the money he saved.

******************

That twisted ol' dude called Leee,
Had a thing for a woman's knee.
He tossed her a coin
She kicked in his groin
And now he is known as Cicely.

******************


A woman looking for Nabitsuh
Did carry two boxes of tissue
One was for her brow
Winking, she said how
“The rest are for in case he missed you”

*******************

That recently single dude Martin
told his ex-wife "Since our partin'
I've had women and men
Several geese and a hen
and a Hoover, and that's just for startin'."

**********************

there once was a man named mark s
quite strongly opposed to excess
his pontifications?
abbreviations!
now [x] is to [y] = guess

**********************

an aesthete of burly dimension
easton sat in his pew in suspension
for disciples seemed neater
their story much sweeter
when he imagined the sexual tension

**********************

Monica Lewinsky has shown
What Kazynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

************************

another kinda crude one (yes i know, i excel at crude )

A ***om lass of Aberystwyth
Took stones to the mill to grind grist with
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the parts that they pissed with

************************

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

Two old ladies lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor,
a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the ladies, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.

As the old ladies were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

"I thought he was lovely," said one.

"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.

"He was very loud, wasn't he?"

"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"

"I said, he was very loud."

"Eh?"

"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull."

"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.



My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
from
the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.



Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for
half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the
table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.



She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what
I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.



Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her
lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days.
That way s he won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I
like to think tact is one of my strong points.



When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.



I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm
not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use
a
li ttle more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other.....



Signed,

Bob



EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he
was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club
rammed up his @$$, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was
arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not
Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.

[Adrienne]

This one had me almost in tears from laughing. I like the way these girls think!... oh yeah.. could be considered crude content ..


During a recent survey, women were asked...

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

[cordis]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

[Adrienne]

This pic is a little adult.. but i laughed alot reading it so i had to share...

[Adrienne]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer."Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".

[Adrienne]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in.

" The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!"