Fun and Humor Time...

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by Shamou

This guy just set Yoga 1000 years back... if he did not kill it altogether....

.

And just when you think it's over, you learn there's a Part 2 to Laughing Yoga.

... because, you know... "I'm happy, I'm relaxed".

[Shamou]

Subject: Purina at Wal-Mart




I used to have a Great Dane & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital last time because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my nuts and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

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[Shamou]

A little boy was sitting on the curb

with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.


A little while later a Priest came along

and asked the little boy what he had.


The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said,

"No, the most powerful liquid in the world

is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water

and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,

she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied,

"You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's *** and he'll pass
a Harley Davidson."

.

[Shamou]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights willgo quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

.

[Shamou]

During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

.

[Shamou]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

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[Shamou]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny.

.

[Shamou]

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything Under One Roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"


The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Omaha."


Well, the boss likes the kid and gives him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"


The kid says, "One."


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"



The kid says, "$101,237.65."


The boss says, "What? $101,237.65? You gotta be pulling my leg. What the heck did you sell?"


The kid says, "This guy comes in, and first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"


The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..."

.

[Shamou]

How to say "I Love You" in 9 languages

English - I Love You
Spanish - Te Amo
French - Je T'aime
German - lch Liebe Dich
Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Swedish - Jag Alskar
Redneck - Nice butt. Get in the truck.

.

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Shamou

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..."

.

I must have laughed for 5 minutes on that one! Love it Shamou!

Adrienne

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Adrienne

I must have laughed for 5 minutes on that one! Love it Shamou!

Adrienne

Thank you Adrienne...

A Guy Goes To A Supermarket And Notices A Beautiful
Blonde Wave At Him And Say Hello.

He's Rather Taken Back, Because He Can't Place Where
He Knows Her From.

So He Says "do You Know Me?".

To Which She Replies "I Think You're The Father Of One
Of My Kids"

Now He Thinks Back To The Only Time He Has Ever Been
Unfaithful And Says, "my God, Are You The Stripper
From My Bachelor Party That I Laid On The Pool Table
With All My Buddies Watching, While Your Partner
Whipped My *** With Wet Celery ".

“no,” She Replied, “ ....I'm Your Son's Math Teacher

.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by Shamou

“no,” She Replied, “ ....I'm Your Son's Math Teacher

.

Ohhhhh, my. I know it's just a joke but I had a brief moment of embarrassed laughter for the poor guy...

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Ohhhhh, my. I know it's just a joke but I had a brief moment of embarrassed laughter for the poor guy...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small
bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf
along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
off,

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says:

(scroll down)








"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

.

[Shamou]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" he asked.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Not with a carnation."

.

[Mark Lapierre]

I guess that nurse hadn't seen the episode of House where House was charged for doing something similar to a disagreeable patient who turned out to be a police officer

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

I guess that nurse hadn't seen the episode of House where House was charged for doing something similar to a disagreeable patient who turned out to be a police officer

I also missed that episode or I would not have posted that joke...

.

[Shamou]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the livingroom and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my
beer.

She's Such A B*tch......

.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Church Bulletin Mistakes:

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
*
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
*
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
*
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
*
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
*
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
*
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
*
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
*
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
*
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
*
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
*
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
*
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
*
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
*
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
*
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
*
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next week.
*
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
*
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge. - Up Yours."

.

I about p'd myself - this is too funny!!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by torilink

I about p'd myself - this is too funny!!

Thank you torilink...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


I love this part....


"Only when he's been drinking."

.

[BlueCrane]

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

IN HEAVEN :
- The police are British
- The chefs are French
- The mechanics are German
- The lovers are Italian
- and it's all organized by the Swiss!

IN HELL :
- The chefs are British
- The mechanics are French
- The police are German
- The lovers are Swiss
- and it's all organized by the Italians!

[Shamou]

The Computer Swallowed Grandma

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'


So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, ''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

.