| |||||||
| Register | FAQ | Members List | Calendar | Search | Today's Posts | Mark Forums Read |
| Fun & Recreation Travel, vacationing, enjoying life, pleasurable experiences, adventure, games, jokes, humorous stories |
|
Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
11-04-2007, 04:49 PM
| |||
| |||
 On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."      |
|
11-04-2007, 04:52 PM
| |||
| |||
| Office of the Fire Chief To: All Ambulance Personnel From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS (Emergency Medical Services) narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following: 1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). 2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. 3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." 4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." 5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." 6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." 7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge." 8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries. |
|
11-05-2007, 11:54 PM
| |||
| |||
| US Announcement The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that! |
|
11-06-2007, 12:02 AM
| |||
| |||
| An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!! Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte. Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card. Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files. Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C. AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore. STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before. TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor. PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money. |
|
11-06-2007, 10:27 AM
| |||
| |||
| |
|
11-07-2007, 11:00 PM
| |||
| |||
| More funny pics ... - check this out orckr | Instant plastic surgery! By orcs... "Instant plastic surgery! By orcs" heh. I've uploaded friends photo - it generated automatic caricature Buddies | orckr. And don't press submit button there if you want to keep your pics private!!  |
|
11-07-2007, 11:43 PM
| |||
| |||
| Business one-liners: Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. Creditors have better memories than debtors. Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow. Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia. A theory is better than its explanation. According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy. When your opponent is down, kick him.
__________________ All that matters is results. |
|
11-12-2007, 08:51 AM
| |||
| |||
| GEORGE BUSH dies and goes to Hell GEORGE BUSH dies (if only) and goes to Hell. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I don't have any room for you. I'll have to get rid of someone. I'll let you decide who leaves." Bush agreed. The Devil opened a door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon up to his nostrils in a large pool of freezing water. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Bush said. "I don't want to take his place." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer for eternity." "No, I'll leave that one to Blair," decided Bush. The Devil opened a third door. In that room Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor in a compromising position with Monica Lewinsky. George Bush looked at this for a while and, finally, said "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!" |
|
11-12-2007, 11:10 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
This is your best one yet |
|
11-12-2007, 11:53 PM
| |||
| |||
| A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He Slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!" "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!" His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of Yourself!" The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. |
|
11-13-2007, 02:38 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
Sorry guys i have been slacking since i have been out of town alot. I will be back soon. Thanks to the people posting jokes Adrienne |
|
11-14-2007, 12:25 AM
| |||
| |||
| A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Fishbein," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."
__________________ LTPP |
|
11-14-2007, 05:38 AM
| |||
| |||
| To do at the drivethru Top twenty things to do at a drivethru Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. Ask how they fit into that little box. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?" When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?" If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
__________________ All that matters is results. |
|
11-20-2007, 03:18 AM
| |||
| |||
| When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies. |
|
11-20-2007, 03:20 AM
| |||
| |||
| Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad |
|
11-20-2007, 03:21 AM
| |||
| |||
| A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. Brother 1: So how is my cat doing? Brother 2: He's Dead Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground. Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again. Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing? Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. |
|
11-20-2007, 03:22 AM
| |||
| |||
| One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!! He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!" |
|
11-20-2007, 03:23 AM
| |||
| |||
| During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!” |
|
11-20-2007, 03:24 AM
| |||
| |||
| A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?" The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey." The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again. "Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?" |
|
11-20-2007, 03:24 AM
| |||
| |||
| One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. |