Fun and Humor Time

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

PS: I'm really curious about how much of this slang actually comes from elsewhere, or is at least understood by others. So reply if you actually do understand any of it. E.g., I'm pretty sure wedgie's and Tim Tams are not Australian...

I'm pretty sure this one is a "You know you're a redneck if..." joke. Only the names would be more along the lines of Bubba and Bobbie Sue

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

Sadly, I flunked the test. Miserably. I will never be allowed to become an Australian citizen.

[Beloved]

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

Jeeeze, what's up with the name Cheryl? My name is Cheryl, at least my husband's name is not Bruce, though I did know a cute guy by that name. Does it count that my husband once found his sister's car up on blocks? Problem was in the fact it had wheels when she had last seen it.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Lola

Sadly, I flunked the test. Miserably. I will never be allowed to become an Australian citizen.

Don't worry, I wouldn't pass either

Originally Posted by Beloved

Jeeeze, what's up with the name Cheryl? My name is Cheryl, at least my husband's name is not Bruce, though I did know a cute guy by that name. Does it count that my husband once found his sister's car up on blocks? Problem was in the fact it had wheels when she had last seen it.

Oh you're definitely an Aussie!

[Mark Lapierre]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last ... and you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......


Dave........



Dave........



Dave........



......you're a vet.

[cordis]

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and
decided that it was time, once again to head for the
hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately
noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I'm gonna have
one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the
same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and
within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd
found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the
bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge
City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

[cordis]

Who Reads What Newspapers?
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

[Mark Lapierre]

Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Sam988]

Connecticut Crazy Law
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.

The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)

It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.


Devon
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Guilford
Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford
You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain
It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Southington
Silly string is banned.
Waterbury
It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

[Sam988]

New York Crazy Law
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.


A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.


While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.


A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.


It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.


Carmel
A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.


Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.


New York
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.


Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".


Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.


It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."


Ocean City
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.


It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.


Staten Island
It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."


You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

[Adrienne]

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

[Adrienne]

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline!


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? . . . Is it midnight already??"

[Adrienne]

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!".

[Adrienne]

15 ways to prove you live in 2007
You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

Integrity Test


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida... In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods... There are huge masses of water all over you... You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away... forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer)







Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

[Adrienne]

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down.



Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"



The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

[Adrienne]

The Friday night shift in the emergency room of any major hospital is not for the faint-hearted, but occasionally, these brave doctors and nurses are rewarded for their efforts by witnessing the humorous antics of some idiot who has managed to get himself into a very embarrassing situation.

That's exactly what happened last weekend to emergency workers at Exeter Hospital who were called to help a New Hampshire man after his friend apparently locked a padlock around his testicles while he lay drunk and passed out and then disappeared with the key.

The 39 year-old man, who wished to remain anonymous. (no ****!), told hospital staff that a friend had put the lock on him while he was drunk and passed out. (Wow! If that's what this guy's friends do to him, what on earth would his enemies do?).

When he woke up the next day, his 'friend' had left town and had taken the keys with him. And that was over two weeks ago!

The man told doctors that he had initially tried to remove the lock with a hacksaw but had given up after a 'near-fatal slip'. Then for the next two weeks, he hobbled around town, trying desperately to come up with ideas of how to spring his swollen testicles from their incarnation. Finally, he decided to swallowed his pride and go to the local emergency room to seek professional help, with his tail locked firmly between his legs.

After a twenty-minute laughing fit, staff finally regained their composure and called a local locksmith who managed to successfully free the man's family jewels from their 'safe' without causing any lasting injury.

Police were also informed of the situation, (probably so that they could determine whether the rest of the man should be locked up as well). He was quickly interviewed and then released but not until some of the junior officers had used their cell phones to take photos of the man's little prisoner to send to all their colleagues around the country.

[Adrienne]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[Adrienne]

this one is a bit crude...

New Cocktail Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
.....At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, *"Blow Job Revenge."*