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10-06-2007, 08:12 PM
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 Some practical jokes Smaller or larger tuxedo A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed. The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible. Write on the bottom of shoes Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets. Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!) Cheap plastic rings A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would. I'll just call my lawyer about this Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted. A secret pregnant lover At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence. One way ticket across the country A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room. When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use. The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do". Return your keys Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well. Variation of return your keys Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key. Do you already have a child? During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again. Cigarette problems At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding. Balloons Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch. Add some peanuts If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left. Impossible to drive away Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev. Brake wired to the horn The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it. I deserve to be married For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her! Who has the ring? When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring. The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.      |
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10-06-2007, 08:15 PM
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| Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God. |
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10-07-2007, 07:11 PM
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| A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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10-08-2007, 06:05 AM
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Ah i can't believe it.. i was just going to display this very joke here 
__________________ All that matters is results. |
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10-08-2007, 06:07 AM
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| Since adrienne stole my joke.. here's another one ------- When I become old When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head. I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day. I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more. When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again. I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four. What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!
__________________ All that matters is results. |
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10-08-2007, 09:35 PM
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| dental appointment A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist "Whit aboot if ye did nae use any anesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off. "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40". "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for me wife next Tuesday, then?"
__________________ If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought. ~ Peace Pilgrim ~ Ashlie Books and Downloads |
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10-08-2007, 11:01 PM
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 now let me see if i can figure out and post Sam's next joke |
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10-08-2007, 11:31 PM
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10-09-2007, 12:00 AM
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| Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." |
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10-09-2007, 12:10 AM
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10-09-2007, 12:27 AM
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| Dear All My thanks to all those who have sent me mail this past year ...I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, * I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. * I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. * I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ... * Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. * I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. * I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. * Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. * Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. * I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. * I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. * I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. * Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. * And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. * I don't go to the movies anymore because of the hypodermic needles in the seats placed there by random strangers wanting to drug me. * I am going to court next week because I was charged with failing to stop then resisting arrest when a policeman pulled me over because I was certain he was a rapist impersonating a cop. * If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. * I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. By the way, a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ and who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. |
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10-09-2007, 07:30 AM
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| After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." |
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10-11-2007, 12:11 AM
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| So... earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'gee, the danged animal is so darned easily amused'... and then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes. |
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10-11-2007, 02:01 AM
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| The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks the Pope who he is. The Pope : I am the Pope. St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book. The Pope : I'm the representative of God on Earth. St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me... The Pope : But I am the leader of the Catholic Church... St. Peter: The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss. St. Peter walks away trough Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth. God : I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus. (yells for Jesus) Jesus : Yes father, what's up? God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus : Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow. Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus : Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists! |
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10-11-2007, 05:14 AM
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| Husband Store The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
__________________ If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought. ~ Peace Pilgrim ~ Ashlie Books and Downloads |
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10-11-2007, 11:14 PM
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| For all of us with blogs:
__________________ Take a stroll down The Winding Path and let me know what you think of the scenery. |
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10-12-2007, 04:13 AM
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| A Canadian called Mark Lodder from GrantonPlastics.com sends out intermittent emails he titles "Morning Smile". This one is good for self-help: When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing, make yourself a cocktail and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson." Have a great day! Email Mark <Mark@grantonplastics.com> if you want more like this! |
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10-12-2007, 11:43 PM
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| I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
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10-13-2007, 12:47 AM
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| Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 37 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm..., or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1967. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled old man asked, "What did you teach?" |