Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

Aussie Love Poem

Of Course I Love Ya Darling, Your A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say Your Gorgeous, I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side, I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready, Theres Somethin There To Grab

So Your Belly Isnt Flat No More, I Tell Ya, I Dont Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya, I Can Get My Arms Around There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age, Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity, But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

Im Tellin Ya The Truth Now, I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think Its Very Sexy, That Youv Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear On Me Nannas Grave Now, The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As, I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like, Ill Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On, And Get Me Another Beer!

[Adrienne]

one of my favorite jokes

Great Writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Adrienne]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Adrienne]

Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo

[Adrienne]

Dog and Cat Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . .

[Adrienne]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I
realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if t
he weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on
our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

[Uplift]

Not sure if its already here, but I heard this one today.

Three men die and go before God. God asks the first 'Have you been unfaithfull to your wife?'

He replies 'No.'

God says, 'Good, you get to drive a Mercedes.'

He asks the next man the same question.

The next man says, 'Yes, I'm really sorry...but only twice.'

God says, 'You tried, you get to drive a Mustang.'

God then asks the third man.

He says 'Yeh, about a dozen times.'

God answers you get an old beat up Ford to drive.

When they are driving around, the guy in the old Ford comes across the first man sitting in his Mercedes, crying, and can't believe it.

He asks him, 'How come you're crying, you got a Mercedes?'

The first man answers, 'Yeh, I know, but I just saw my wife riding around on an old skateboard.'

[Adrienne]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. " You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Adrienne]

I thought it might be fun to add some funny pictures to the thread. What do you guys think?
I will post a couple for fun, let me know if you guys what them

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

[Adrienne]

Drunken Office Party

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, f*** him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

[Angela]

A penguin, a platterpuss, and a giraffe walk into a bar.

"What is this?," asks the bartender, "some kind of joke?"

[cordis]

It's been said; "You don't know your arse from your elbow."

Have some fun and find out here.

[Mark Lapierre]

I think the pics are a good addition Adrienne.

Cordis, I got 12/14. Dunno if that's good or bad

Here's another pic from another web comic:

[Adrienne]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Adrienne]

See police officers have a sense of humor too....
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

[Adrienne]

These are all genuine songs, mainly released in the United States (how surprising).

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!
2. I Don't Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
3. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So we're even
5. Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
9. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight,Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's like Having You Here
15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin'On My Back And Cryin' Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass This Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
25. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

[Adrienne]

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

It may be your sole purpose
in life to simply serve as a
warning to others.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.
(unless I buy something)

Power corrupts and
absolute power is kinda neat.

If your voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.

Remember, half the people in the world
are below average.

24 hours in a day
24 beers in a case
Coincidence?
I think not!

There will always be death and taxes,
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

If we quit voting,
will they all go away?

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

As long as there are tests
There will be prayer in public schools.

Too many freaks
Not enough circuses

[Adrienne]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[Adrienne]

Will the real dummy please stand up?

1. AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, from which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Adrienne]

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[Adrienne]

A high school Chemistry teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's finalexam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury orillness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head sadly, and sweetly replies, "Well, I guess you'