Fun and Humor Time

[DrMartinRussell]

Okay Adrienne.

With you around this thread has nothing to worry about at all.

[cordis]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

"Where have ya been all this time? Why did ya not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call? Can ya not understand what ya put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ya shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace ta this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ya wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...........

(takes a
breath).............
and an invitation for ya all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera."

"Now what was it ya said ya had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ya scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

Okay Adrienne.

With you around this thread has nothing to worry about at all.

lol i am not sure of that. I dont post that many jokes but i am going to try and i sure hope lots of people reading this thread drop jokes here when they come across them

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[Adrienne]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy ****! A talking chicken!".
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Erin Pavlina]

The Why's of Men?

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


-----------------------------------------------------------


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN




Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------



Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

[Sam988]

This thread isn't the same without Shamou... i still can't believe they permanently banned him That's too extreme, he couldn't have made so much sh*t to deserve it, considering his everyday-25-posts contribution to these forums.

[cordis]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "You are the ones who need this sermon because Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[cordis]

�A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

�Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

�He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

�The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

�Picture this:

�All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

�True story.... Have a great day and remember...



�THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

[Adrienne]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM!!!
1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4) Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter

[Adrienne]

In honor of national talk like a pirate day (if your not from the US, i dont know if you celebrate it. But here, everyone around me has a pirate drawl and vocabulary today.. we even got people wearing eye patches and hats)

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded

[Amit_S]

When I posted this I hadnt realize that Shamou was banned -until yesterday...sucks...

<quote>
Amit_S

Quote:
Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell View Post
I wonder if this thread will continue on? There are a few posts besides Shamou's.

of course it'll continue...
I think the majority of the people check out this thread just to read and not to post.....no probs with that.
Once in a while when a few of us came across what we thought was good material we posted it..

[cordis]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.


God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.


She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!




She will never have a headache and
will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God,
"What will a woman like this cost?"



God replied, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked,
"What can I get for a rib?"



The rest is history....

[cordis]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[cordis]

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said; "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job.

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his daughter.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.

The salary package is $200,000 a year.”

The young man said, "You're BSing me, man!"

The man behind the counter said,

"Well, you started it!"

[Adrienne]

A story told by a Wally-world shopper

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...

(DUHHHH)

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I
ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said, Oh NO! I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be
carried out!

[Adrienne]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

[Adrienne]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Adrienne]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was
a woman in a brand new Caddy! She was doing 65 mph with her face up
next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and
disconnected an important call.



Damn women drivers!

[Adrienne]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[Adrienne]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Adrienne]

woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?

Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink a lot?