Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

NEW WORDS FOR 2007 -Essential additions to the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people achieve success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Personal photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The art of whacking the s__t out of an electronic device to get it to work.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND: That fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a BIG Mistake.
.

[Shamou]

25 things you should have learned by the time you reach middle age

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
.

[Shamou]

Monkeys learn fast


A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bas****. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
.

[Shamou]

Subject: Hollywood Squares Comebacks

These are from the days when game show responses were
spontaneous:

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his
tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you
detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be
at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next
apartment.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy
growing strawberries!

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what
is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
.

[Shamou]

The things you learn at the movies...

During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in
a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there
and you can travel to any other part of the building you
want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad
German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.
.

[Shamou]

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,

"Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
.

[Adrienne]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

[Shamou]

He said / She said

10) He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said..."You wear briefs, don't you?"

----------------------------------------------

9) She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
He said... "It's not my fault...I ran out of money."

----------------------------------------------

8) He said... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."
She said..."Well,you succeeded."

__________________________________________________ __________

7) He said... "Two inches more, and I would be king."
She said..."Two inches less, and you'd be queen."

----------------------------------------------

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

----------------------------------------------

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

----------------------------------------------

4) Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband."
She said... "Who's gonna look?"

----------------------------------------------

3) He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said... "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

----------------------------------------------

2) He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said... "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

----------------------------------------------

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said... "Because you're never there."
.

[Shamou]

a horse and a rabbit were frolicking in the pasture when the horse became stuck in a mud bog. the horse called to the rabbit.
"hey rabbit! i'm stuck in this mud bog!
"i see that ", replied the rabbit' "what do you want me to do?"
"go get the farmer to pull me out," said the horse. soooo..... the rabbit ran to the barn to look for the farmer, but he wasn't there. then he ran to the farmhouse, but the farmer wasn't there either. the rabbit looked around and saw the farmers Mercedes by the side of the barn with the keys in the ignition. the rabbit went into the barn, got a rope, jumped into the Mercedes and drove out to the pasture. he backed the car up to the horse
"hey horse! tie this rope around you and i'll pull you out of the mud!", shouted the rabbit.
"good thinkin'", said the horse. the horse tied the rope around his waist.... the rabbit tied the other end of the rope to the bumper of the Mercedes.... and slowly pulled the horse from the mud..... And they went on their merry way.
A few days later, the horse and rabbit were frolicking in the pasture and the rabbit became stuck in a mud bog.
"hey horse! i'm stuck in this mud bog!" screamed the rabbit.
"i see that", said the horse," what do you want me to do?"
"go get the farmer to pull me out," replied the rabbit.
"ok " said the horse, and as he began to leave he had an idea!
"hey rabbit! i think i can get you out of that mud bog myself," said the horse. " i'll straddle the mud bog, and when i do, you reach up and grab my 'paddywhacker'.... then i'll lift up and pull you out!" claimed the horse.
"good thinkin' horse!, said the rabbit. soooooo....... the horse straddled the mud bog, the rabbit grabbed his 'paddywhacker', and the horse hoist the rabbit out of the mud..... And they went on their merry way.
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS.........
If you're hung like a horse...you don't need a Mercedes....
.

[Shamou]

Handicap Golf

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
.

[Shamou]

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.
.

[Shamou]

Blonde on an Elevator

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"


He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
.

[Shamou]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,
stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I
suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things
at once?'"

Another person asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her
twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in
about ten."
.

[Shamou]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the
road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched
down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again and this time
he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this
time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
.

[Shamou]

Actual phrases found on resumes...

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
.

[DrMartinRussell]

I wonder if this thread will continue on? There are a few posts besides Shamou's.

[DrMartinRussell]

Here one that is still evolving so I'm looking for help with it.

It begins like this...

The Quicksand Guide To Professional Help

In a jungle clearing, a person is struggling, up to their waist in quicksand.

They cry out for help, but unfortunately only professional help is available…


Psychiatrist - “What you are in is called quicksand.”

Medical Practitioner - “Quicksand is a physical condition.”

The Freudian - “How old were you when you first played in a sand pit?”

Psychologist - “Let’s find the moment when your foot first touched the quicksand.”

Counselor - “You need to get out of the quicksand.”

Cognitive Behavioral Therapist - “What evidence do you have that you will die?”

Self Help Groups - “Look around, you’re not the only one. We’re under here too.”

Former Sufferer/Victim - “I found when I struggled I sank quicker.”

Hypnotist - “Use the Force, Luke”

Post-modern therapist - “You must realize this is a jungle.”

Rebirthing - “Want a different life?”

Chiropractor - “You would be further out of the sand if you stood up straighter.”

Existentialist/Logotherapist - “Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”

Creative Visualization - “See a house brick transforming into a helium balloon.”

Iridologist - “I can help you as long as you keep your eyes out of the sand.”

Reflexologist - “Please invert yourself so I can get to your feet.”

Tarot Reader - “Hmm. Goddess of Sand - never seen that one before.”

Astrologer - “Keep your head up today. Don’t let things get on top of you.”

Social Worker - “How are your kids and your finances?”

Evangelist - “What do you mean my laying on of hands pushed you down?”

Past-Life Regressionist - “Many of your friends preserved in the tar-pit with you are now in museums.”

Allopathic Practitioner - “Take 2 anti-sand tablets and see me tomorrow.”

Homeopath - “Here is some watered down glue.”


I'm still looking to build this list, so if you have a favorite 'helping profession', here is the link to contribute, and check out other suggestions people have made for the list...

Self Help Blog › The Quicksand Guide To Professional Help

[Amit_S]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

I wonder if this thread will continue on? There are a few posts besides Shamou's.

of course it'll continue...
I think the majority of the people check out this thread just to read and not to post.....no probs with that.
Once in a while when a few of us came across what we thought was good material we posted it..

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

I wonder if this thread will continue on? There are a few posts besides Shamou's.

I certainly hope so!
Adrienne

[DrMartinRussell]

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell View Post
> I wonder if this thread will continue on? There are a few posts besides
> Shamou's.
> I certainly hope so!
> Adrienne
> __________________
> Adrienne
> Adventurous Philosopher -- My Blog


Okay, well my first post is above. Let's see how all this goes!

[cordis]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses
$500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing
standing up.

Moskowitz looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Finklestein picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

So Finklestein goes to the Smith unit and knocks on the door. Mrs, Smith yells from behind the door, "What do you want?"

Finklestein declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. He needs more money."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Finklestein.