Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

IN GENERAL

1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more adult beverages.

5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession
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[Shamou]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I did not Reverrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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[Shamou]

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood--for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a witch - like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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[Livgivare]

A well known Swedish joke for kids goes like this.

Two tomatoes were walking down the street, one got hit by a car. The other one says: Come on Ketchup, on we go!

Love Leelene

[Shamou]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
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[Shamou]

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs - Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you could find the letter A"? A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
phrase mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a
placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*. *. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that word came from.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language
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[Jenny]

Shamou,
Just wanted to say even though I don't comment often I'm reading. I appreciate the time you take every day to add a little humor to my life.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Shamou,
Just wanted to say even though I don't comment often I'm reading. I appreciate the time you take every day to add a little humor to my life.

Very nice of you to say that Jenny... I do appreciate it very much...
.

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Shamou,
Just wanted to say even though I don't comment often I'm reading. I appreciate the time you take every day to add a little humor to my life.

Ditto! Thanks for all the humor... sure puts a smile on my face

Adrienne

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Adrienne

Ditto! Thanks for all the humor... sure puts a smile on my face

Adrienne

Much appreciated Adrienne... thank you very much...

.

[Shamou]

The Rules

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a
very large jar behind the counter, which is filled
to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses
there must be thousands of dollars in it and
approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the
jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you
pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender
adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First
you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper
tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit
bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third,
there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never
had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things
right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm
not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to
drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the
jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he
asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and
downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down
his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he
staggers out back and soon all the people inside
hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and
screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually
silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he
staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and
big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore
tooth?
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[Shamou]

When Reality Sets In

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no,
and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? GREAT Question......

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.

16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
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[Adrienne]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh
buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Shamou]

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
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[Shamou]

Classes for Men

Classes for men at our local learning center for adults.

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of ten participants each.**

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**
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[Shamou]

Thought you might enjoy this. This was actually in the Ottawa Citizen. (Ottawa being the Capital of Canada)

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 300 employees and has the following statistics:

30 have been accused of spousal abuse

9 have been arrested for fraud

14 have been accused of writing bad checks

95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

4 have done time for assault

55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

12 have been arrested on drug related charges

4 have been arrested for shop lifting

16 are currently defendants in lawsuits

62 have been arrested from drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?


It is the 301 MPs in the Canadian Parliament

The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line!!!!!!!!!
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[Shamou]

TOP 15 DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my a** on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your things up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you DOLT.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
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[Shamou]

SOME of these are reruns but they're good!!

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

16) The ! gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

22) Beer ~ The Reason some folks Get Up Each Afternoon!

23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!

24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

27) Procrastinate Now

28) Rehab Is for Quitters

29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15

33) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING

34) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names

35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes

38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.

52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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[Shamou]

ORIGIONAL: THE SERENITY PRAYER
God Grant Me the Serenity To Accept the Things I Can Not Change. Courage To Change the Things I Can. And The Wisdom To Know the Difference

or This NEW Version:

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

1 - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2 - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4 - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5 - All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

6 - If all is not lost, where is it?

7 - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8 - Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9 - I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

10 - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11 - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12 - It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

13 - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14 - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15 - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16 - It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

17 - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18 - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what
I'm here after.

19 - I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT
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[Shamou]

A Prayer for the Stressed!


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they ticked me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the a*s that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to tick me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen
.

[Shamou]

YOU KNOW YOUR IN CANADA WHEN...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue