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05-19-2007, 04:32 AM
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MILK BATH A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to help me look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.  .      |
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05-20-2007, 12:33 AM
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The Morning After Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you." So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. "What happened last night, son?" Sam asks. His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies. . |
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05-20-2007, 02:52 AM
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Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick! Q: Why are pirates so cool? A: They just arrrrr! Q: What's big and grey and sits in the middle of a paddock? A: A filing cabinet! There were two cows in a paddock. One cow said "moo", the other cow said "I was gonna say that!" Bob was driving along on his snow mobile when it suddenly came to a stop for no apparent reason. There was steam billowing out everywhere, and he couldn't for the life of him make the thing start again.He looked under the hood to see if he could see any obvious problem, but since he didn't really know what he was doing he decided he'd just drag it to a nearby mechanic. He dragged and dragged until finally after half an hour of lugging the vehicle through the thick snow he made it to the mechanic. He explained what happened to the mechanic, who then had a look at the snowmobile. After about ten minutes of looking at the engine, poking and prodding around the place he went to Bob and said "It looks like you've blown a seal", to which Bob replied "nah that's just frost stuck to my moustache" |
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05-20-2007, 04:36 AM
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A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered... . |
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05-20-2007, 06:22 PM
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great writer." When asked to define "great," this is what he said: "I want to write material that the whole world will read, material that people will react to on a truly emotional level, material that will make them scream, cry, wail, and howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages... . |
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05-20-2007, 09:14 PM
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2007 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. . |
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05-21-2007, 12:58 AM
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 A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do... Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Father: Go ahead, son. Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack. Father: Is that so? Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind. Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?" Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was! . |
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05-21-2007, 06:14 AM
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my .38 chrome plated revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business ..... you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?" . |
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05-21-2007, 04:28 PM
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This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was left in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was about to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison. . |
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05-22-2007, 05:16 AM
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him." . |
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05-22-2007, 05:22 AM
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No offense to New Yorkers intended:  A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?" "Because my Mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan." . |
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05-22-2007, 04:11 PM
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This one just about killed me with laughter... Adrienne |
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05-22-2007, 04:21 PM
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Cojones de Toro A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins." . |
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05-23-2007, 02:07 AM
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05-23-2007, 04:14 AM
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wal mart greeter As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal Mart yesterday a particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside. Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around hitting an older man working there as one of the Wal Mart Greeter. As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and calming voice the Greeter, while gesturing towards the two children said to to her, "Are they Twins?" Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?" "No replied the Greeter calmly, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. . |
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05-23-2007, 05:44 AM
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Situation Awareness Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Scroll Down: Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk. . |
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05-23-2007, 09:22 AM
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. . . . . . " Wait for it. It's coming. . The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: "You just happened to catch my eye." |
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05-23-2007, 04:23 PM
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Men Strike Back How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. . |
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05-23-2007, 04:46 PM
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How many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not all are PC.
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05-23-2007, 09:53 PM
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How to treat a woman Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. How To Treat a Man Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV. . |
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05-23-2007, 10:07 PM
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| Shamou strikes gold again! 
__________________ http://orbellcomms.wordpress.com - my Communications and Marketing blog. Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/jeremyorbell |
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05-23-2007, 10:41 PM
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Here is one that I like... Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?" . |
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05-23-2007, 10:56 PM
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Excellent contributions WanderingOak! Quote:
__________________ Take a stroll down The Winding Path and let me know what you think of the scenery. |
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05-23-2007, 11:18 PM
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but sooooooo wrong!I love this thread! Quote:
Adrienne |
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05-24-2007, 01:59 AM
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The FBI was evaluating job applicants. For a test, the agents took a man to a large metal door, handed him a gun, and told him, "We must know if you will unconditionally follow instructions. Your wife is inside the room sitting in a chair. Go in and kill her." "You can't be serious," said the man. "I could never shoot my wife." "Then, you are not the right man for the job. Take your wife and go home." replied the FBI. The second man was given the gun and the same instructions. He went into the room, and all was quiet for a few minutes. The man then came out in tears and sobbed about how he had tried, but he just couldn't bring himself to kill his wife. "Then you don't have what it takes to do the job," said the FBI and sent him and his wife home. The third applicant was a woman, and they sent her in to shoot her husband. Boom Boom Boom. The shots rang out immediately, then there was much commotion in the room with screams and banging. The woman came out and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." . |
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05-24-2007, 05:03 AM
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Stupid Instructions In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap --"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --"Product will be hot after heating." (..and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron --"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights --"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor --"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts --"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume --"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) . |
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05-24-2007, 04:21 PM
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Subject: What My Mother Taught Me 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you." . |
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05-25-2007, 05:34 AM
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again." . |
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05-25-2007, 04:09 PM
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!" "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans" . |
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