Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

A creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing these four elements:

1) religion
2) royalty
3) sex
4) suspense


The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
.

[Shamou]

Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out
like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
.

[Shamou]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-
year-old soccer players aside and asked, "Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or
call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb *******' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
.

[Shamou]

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course
she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma
agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward
she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife
on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have
to get up in the morning! You don't."
.

[Shamou]

A man walks into a bar and notices a foot tall Bic lighter sitting on the bar. "Hey, that's a huge lighter!", says the man to the bartender, Where'd you get it?" "Well, I got it from a genie," replied the bartender.

"Fine be a jerk", says the guy. "No really, look, rub this magic lamp and a genie will appear and grant you a wish", says the bartender.

So the guy thinks, "What the hell", and rubs the lamp. Lo and behold a genie appears and offers to grant him one wish. "I wish for a million bucks!", says the man.

"Done!", says the genie, and vanishes in a puff of smoke back into the lamp. The guy is ecstatic. He leaves the bar and heads for home. As soon as he gets about a block away from his house he sees his lawn is covered with white. As he gets closer, his suspicion is confirmed, it's a million DUCKS, not a million bucks!

Enraged, the man speeds back to the bar and confronts
the bartender. "I asked for a million BUCKS!, NOT a MILLION DUCKS!" The bartender looks at the man and says, "Do you actually think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"
.

[Shamou]

"ME MUDDER"

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed


Me Mudder


Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not


Me Mudder



And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum


Me Mudder


Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart

Me Mudder



Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s***


Me Mudder


When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep


Me Farver!
.

[Shamou]

Restroom Graffiti:

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.


Beauty is only a light switch away.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

Express Lane: Five beers or less

You're too good for him.

No wonder you always go home alone.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
.

[Shamou]

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)

2) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush)- (Former US First Lady)

3) " Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. " (Robin Williams)

4) " Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. " (Billy Crystal)

5) " Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. " (Rod Stewart)

6) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)- (former US Secretary of State)

7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)- (Founder: Apple Computers)

8) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)- (News anchorman)

9) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,' Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

10) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

11) " Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. " (Roseanne)

12) " According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. " (Robert De Niro)

13) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: " See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. " (Robin Williams)
.

[Shamou]

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel
candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
.

[Shamou]

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : Just do It
Toyota Condoms : Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms : The ride of your life.
Microsoft Condoms : Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms : Finger Licking Good
M&Ms Condoms : Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Duracell Condoms : Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms : Once you pop, you can't stop.
BMW Condoms : Pure Driving Pleasure
.

[Shamou]

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.


This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.


This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
.

[Shamou]

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play
begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take
time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to
well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players
equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play
at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission
before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.
.

[Shamou]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees"
.

[Shamou]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."

" But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell', can't stay on the church roof!"
.

[Shamou]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.

"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
.

[Shamou]

Bad Timing


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this
woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her
thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what
I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
.

[Shamou]

1970 Vs 2000 - 30 YEARS MAKES A DIFFERENCE

1970: Long hair.
2000: Longing for hair.

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints, taking pills.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kervorkian.

1970: Getting out to a hip new joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system.
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid
.

[Shamou]

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoth bakery, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoth."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you.
.

[Shamou]

Actual Excerpts From Letters To Landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday
my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like
a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her
toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
.

[Shamou]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
Darling, would you give me a **** job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a **** job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. "But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
.

[Shamou]

Moods of a Woman:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll give you her change, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man:

Horny
Hungry
.

[Shamou]

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN!

Here are some of women's favorite bumper stickers.......

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS;
PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN,
I AIN'T GOING.

MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT
FOR GUILT TRIPS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . .
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY
THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

DINNER IS READY WHEN
THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
-AND I HAVE A GUN.

GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO.
BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

AND YOUR POINT IS...?

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,
SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE!
.