Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, it was John O'Riley who won the contest with the following verse:

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with her husband. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband gave last night at the Toast Masters meeting. And he won first prize!"

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and
the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
.

[Shamou]

YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN...


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either - just
leave me the hell alone!

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to take
your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away. And
you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit by a canal & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23. Duct tape is like the Force; it has a light side & a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works. They are always correct....accept it.

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
.

[Shamou]

Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the
fair in Duloot. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double
Ferris wheel.. "Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always
vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."

Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so.
Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von gud reason vhy you von't go vit me
on dat ride."

Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit
after the ride that it was
kind of fun.

After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole,"
says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller
coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."

"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven. "You giff me yust von gud reason vhy you von't go vit
me on dat roller coaster."

Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the
roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.

After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Uffda!"
exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat
big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks
like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."

"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I
draw da line."

"Vell," says Sven, "you giff me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up
on dat tower and yump off vit me."

"Ya, I give you a good reason,"says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of
a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it dat vay."
.

[Shamou]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
.

[Shamou]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 50+ and looking for a girl with big tits.
.

[Shamou]

An Ode To A Woman

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
.

[Shamou]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for me??

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it?s a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."
.

[Shamou]

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4 :22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!
.

[Shamou]

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
"look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or
goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
.

[Shamou]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her nickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging onto her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple passes, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't Electric."
.

[Shamou]

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
---------------------------------------
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own a**?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
.

[Shamou]

If Men Ruled...........

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack
to the *** and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty
much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I
was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into
your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
.

[Matthew Shea]

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony." The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried. The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice... So I switched the heads.

[Shamou]

CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A HALLMARK STORE:

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers,
and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me

Looking back over the years that we've
been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the HELL was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the
gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...

Congratulations on your promotion. Before
you go, would you like to take this knife out
of my back? You'll probably need it again.

When we were together, you always said
you'd die for me. Now that we've broken
up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

You are such a good friend that if we were on
a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday-so we're having you
put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in
Mississippi and Arkansas)
.

[Shamou]

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went
to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon
during his visit to Greece.

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going
to be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice, 1982.

"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when
asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.

"I'll always be Number 1 to myself." -Moses Malone

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want
all the kids to copulate me.
--Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

"I lost it in the sun!"
-Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder.
.

[Adrienne]

This illustrates how your government operates to keep expenses down:



Night Watchman

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin.
Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

Adrienne

[Shamou]

Confucious he say: Man who buys drowned cat, pays for wet *****.
Confucious he say: Woman who cooks cabbage and peas in pot, not hygienic.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
Many people lose their tempers merely by seeing you keep yours.
Don't confuse me with facts, I prefer to remain ignorant.
I just got lost in thought. . . . It was unfamiliar territory.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out?
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
The more I know the more I know I don't know.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
.

[Shamou]

Hope this has not been posted yet... I forget...

CHINESE PROVERBS

>Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>Man who run in front of car get tired.
>Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
>Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
>Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
>Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
.

[cordis]

The Lost Chapter of Genesis

[cordis]

A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon approached the man with an offer.

"I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a hundred and fifty dollars."

"That's a lot of money," the guy pointed out, admiring her voluptuous body.

"I'm worth it," she assured him breathily. "For a hundred and fifty dollars, I'll act out any fantasy.
In fact, I can make any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby."

"Any three words for a hundred and fifty dollars?" The man's voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept up his leg. She nodded, reaching up with the other hand to caress the back of his neck while he considered the offer.

Finally he leaned back with a big smile and announced, "It's a deal!"


He leaned over and whispered,


"Paint my house."