Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."
.

[Shamou]

Try Being Nicer?


Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering
hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive
home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and
couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his
wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would
proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out
and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued
his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little
differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a
kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And at about
midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let
Harry in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she
took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry
down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took
his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle
him a little. After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's
pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now,
don't you think?"

At that, He replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as
well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
.

[Shamou]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
.

[WanderingOak]

Two Iraqi women are having tea together in Bagdad..the younger woman says to the older woman, "So, how old is your son Abdul now?" The older woman sighs and replies, "Ah..Abdul would have been 26 last week, but he's gone now..he is a martyr you know."

"Oh..well, how old is your middle son , Sharif?"
"Sharif would have been 22 in a few months, but he's gone now. He's a martyr you know."
"What about your youngest son, Hamim?"
"Ah, little Hamim would have been 18 on his next birthday. But he's gone now. He's a martyr you know."
The younger woman drinks a sip of tea and says..

"I know, I know. The young ones blow up so quickly these days."

[WanderingOak]

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile suddenly shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leaped!

I am sure the scream was squirrel for "Bonzai !" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.

As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing ...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil little rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maye 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Valkyrie Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of.

Spectacularly sort of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really ... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. AND NOW HE HAS A PATROL CAR. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.


Now, I am wondering if the cops arrested the squirrel.

[Shamou]

Automobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buck`s Irregular
Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless
.

[Shamou]

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people, Jack or Debra. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying the night before. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said,

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I am going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied : "Could you please jack off, I have terrible headache."
.

[Shamou]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer.

It will be bottled under the name "Mount And Do."
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
.

[Shamou]

Words to Ponder

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand
grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one
busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?

Welcome To **** Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in
this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
.

[Shamou]

Clarification of Market Jargon

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than we were in 1999.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor - Our life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded our stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement our money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What we yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What we jump out of when we're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - God.
.

[Shamou]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announnncement over the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight No. 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax."
Then he quickly yells out loud - "OH MY GOD!"

Dead silence followed. After a few minutes, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach shouts back, "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!"
.

[Shamou]

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the
full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our
washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this,
it's time to wash your car.
.

[Shamou]

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS (or your sisters or your mother or your friend or....)

1. Don't imagine you can change your husband - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. (corny or not)

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
.

[munish]

“This happens to be the time when Nixon was still President,” he explained with a smile. “Brezhnev calls Nixon over the hotline telephone and says, ‘Hello, Mr. President, how are you? I’ve heard that you have the most incredible super-computer in the whole world.’ Nixon replies, ‘Well, Mr. Chairman, I don’t know how you obtained this information, because it’s top secret. But I can tell you that it’s the fastest computer in the world and can foretell events up to thirty years ahead.’ Brezhnev is impressed. ‘Thirty year: that is truly astonishing.

Not even here in the Soviet Union do we have anything like that. In fact, I would like to ask you a favor, if you don’t mind.’ Nixon answers, ‘Anything you like, in the name of détente, as long as it isn’t a state secret or against the interests of the United States.’ Brezhnev replies, ‘I wouldn’t dream of anything like that. But could you please ask your computer who will be in the Communist Party politburo here in the year 2000?’

The President answers, ‘No problem, Leonid. Just give me a minute.’ And the telephone line goes silent while he is consulting the computer. Brezhnev presses his ear to the reciever but hears only Moscow static as the minutes tick by.

Finally he asks, ‘Are you still there, Richard?’ (They’re on first name terms by now.) ‘Well, yes, Leonid,’ Nixon replies, ‘but I can’t figure it out.’ ‘But what does it say?’ Brezhnev asks impatiently. And Nixon says, ‘That’s just it. I can’t read and what is says—it’s all in Chinese.’”

[Shamou]

A Prayer for the Stressed!


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they made me
mad.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they
may be connected to the rear that I may have to kiss tomorrow.


Help me to always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday


And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are
trying to anger me, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to
extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!


Amen
.

[Shamou]

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
.

[Shamou]

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR CHEST?

Here are the Best T-shirts actually seen on the streets:

God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My wife Fell Off

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I'm Dead

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people...He made SO many.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will..I want to be in it.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!
.

[Shamou]

You Might Be A Redneck If (2007 Edition)


You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
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[Shamou]

25 Things You Don't Want to Hear While on the Operating Table

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

3. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

6. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

8. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

11. What's this doing here?

12. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

13. That's cool! Now make his leg twitch!

14. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!

18. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

19. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

20. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22. Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

23. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

24. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

25. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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