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08-10-2007, 05:01 AM
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 20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room 1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. 3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor. 7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. 8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs. 9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed. 12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand. 13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. 14) Tough -- Bangs on side of urinal to dry. 15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both. 16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower. 17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. 19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 20) Conceited -- Holds two-incher like baseball bat.  .      |
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08-10-2007, 04:54 PM
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| ust The Facts My name is Sgt. Friday. I work on Tuesday. Tuesday is my secretary. One night we went to a party. On our way there, we got a flat tire. I jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped; Then she got out of the car to fix the tire. When we got to the party, we all felt merry. Mary got mad and left. We all jumped for joy. Joy got mad and left too. Then a lady jumped out of the party cake. We all had a piece. The cake wasn't bad either. Then I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt, she felt; I felt, she felt; Then I looked under the couch for my keys. Then I took her home and we sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock from a car and hit her on the tit. Broke three of my fingers. I was going to kiss her good night but she closed her legs and broke my glasses. Then her dad came out and told me to beat it. So I did, then left. . |
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08-10-2007, 04:55 PM
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| Biggest Pee Pee There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess." So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said. Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" "Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23." . |
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08-11-2007, 05:03 AM
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| THE NOTE John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to deliver a note which he wrote to her. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note through their son. The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note. The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand! . |
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08-11-2007, 05:04 AM
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| 25 Signs You've Grown Up 1. Your potted plants are alive, and you can't smoke a one of them. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie ... the WHOLE date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you! . |
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08-11-2007, 05:42 PM
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| Headache Cure A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen", says the doc "I have migraines, too..and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well", says the physician, "I'm glad I could help". "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house." -------------------------------------------------- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ....couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB! . |
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08-11-2007, 05:43 PM
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| >Men...Men...Men...Men... >A recent study found out which days men prefer to >have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage >in sexual activity on the days that started with >the letter "T" . . > > Examples of those days are: >Tuesday >Thursday >Thanksgiving >Today >Tomorrow >Thaturday and >Thunday >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . . >A recent survey was conducted to discover >why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. >5% said it was to get a glass of water, >12% said it was to go the toilet, >83% said it was to go home. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . . . as a man sees it. . . >You're sitting at the table and: >Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. >Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. >And your wife is on the back of the milk carton. . |
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08-11-2007, 11:28 PM
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| A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his thing in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU`RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." . |
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08-11-2007, 11:29 PM
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| NEW STATE MOTTOS: Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It -- Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared! . |
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08-12-2007, 05:37 AM
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| Four guys go golfing one saturday morning. One guy goes inside to pay while the other three head for the first tee. As they wait for they guy inside paying, the three men start bragging about their sons. The first guy says: My son owns a car dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend of his a new car. The second guy, not to be outdone, says: Well my son is a real estate agent, and he's so successful that he gave a friend of his new house. The third guy, want to upstage the first two says: Oh yeah, well my son is so successful as a stock broker that he gave a friend of his an entire portfolio of stocks. About this time the guy that was inside paying walks outside, so the first three men ask him about his son. He's not sure where this is going, but what the heck. He says: My son's a male stripper at a gay club. The first three guys are shocked - they don't know what to say and there is a very uncomfortable pause in the conversation, but the fourth man continues. " He must be doing pretty well, however, because his last three boyfriends have given him a car, a house and a portfolio of stocks. . |
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08-12-2007, 05:38 AM
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| Old retired sailor An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back . |
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08-12-2007, 05:18 PM
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| 15 Signs You Drank Too Much 15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. . |
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08-12-2007, 05:19 PM
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| The Good, the Bad and the Ugly > > > > 1 Good: Your wife is pregnant. > > Bad: It's triplets. > > Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. > > > > 2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. > > Bad: She wants a divorce. > > Ugly: She's a lawyer. > > > > 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. > > Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. > > Ugly: So are you. > > > > 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. > > Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. > > Ugly: You're in them. > > > > 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. > > Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. > > Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. > > > > 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. > > Bad: He's a cross-dresser. > > Ugly: He looks better than you. > > > > 7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. > > Bad: She keeps interrupting. > > Ugly: With corrections. > > > > 8. Good: The postman's early. > > Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. > > Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. > > > > 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. > > Bad: It's another man. > > Ugly: He's your best friend. > > > > 10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. > > Bad: As a hooker. > > Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. > > Way ugly: She makes more money than you do. . |
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08-13-2007, 04:13 AM
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| When white man found this land, Indians were running it. * No Taxes... * No Debt... * Plenty Buffalo... * Plenty beaver! * Medicine Man free! * Women did most of the work. * Indian men hunted and fished all the time! White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that. ************************************************** Truth In Sex What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. -------------------------------------------------------------- One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils." -------------------------------------------------------------- So they found Adolf Hitler. That's the good news. The bad news is that they're going to try him in Los Angeles. -------------------------------------------------------------- What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. -------------------------------------------------------------- What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between pink and purple? The tightness of your grip. -------------------------------------------------------------- How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones. -------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy. -------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. -------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's another term for lesbian? "Vagitarian." . |
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08-13-2007, 04:14 AM
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| Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?" "I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles." He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?" "No, I'm Bubbles." . |
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08-13-2007, 02:25 PM
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| In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
__________________ A truly open mind will seriously consider all points of view, even those with which it strongly disagrees for there may be a grain of truth in even the most ridiculous of opinions. |
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08-13-2007, 04:41 PM
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| Two guys went to the beach and one dude was picking up all the chicks.. So after they went back home, the loser said "Hey how come you're picking up all the chicks??" "dude, next time we go to the beach, just put a bake potato in your swim trunks." said the stud. "sure".... the dork said.. So they went to the beach and NOTHING!! The dork had total rejection!! "What the hell, it didn't work!!" the dork cried..... "Stupid", said the stud.... "Next time put the bake potato in FRONT of your trunks." . |
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08-13-2007, 04:42 PM
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| A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will child birth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "ike ish?" "No. A little more..." "hike ish oowww?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "Ummmha yahhh." "Now stretch it over your head!" . |
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08-14-2007, 05:09 AM
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| Meals on Wheels One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!" . |
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08-14-2007, 05:10 AM
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| MONEY It can buy a house But not a Home It can buy a Bed but not Sleep It can buy a Clock but not Time It can buy you a Book but not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine but not Health It can buy you Blood but not Life It can buy you Sex but not Love So, you see money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all of this because I am your friend, and as your Friend I care about you..... So send me all of your money and I will suffer for you! Cash only, please....small bills. . |
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08-14-2007, 10:08 PM
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| The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition! Here are some recent winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the liter(ature): 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******. . |