Fun and Humor Time

[Amit_S]

Two Statutes

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "You want to do it again?" And he replied, "Yes, very much. But this time lets switch positions. This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."


_______________________________________________




A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi were talking one day about how difficult it was to win new converts. Somehow or another, they got in into their heads that the real test would be to witness to an animal. So they all agreed to go out into the wilderness and try to convert a bear. A week later, they met to compare notes.

The Catholic was on crutches, one leg broken, and numerous fractures and contusions all over his body. He said, “It took me some time to find the bear, but when I did, I started reading the Catechism to it. The bear wanted nothing to do with me. It jumped on me and fought for a good long time, until I sprinkled it with Holy Water. The bear suddenly became as meek as a lamb. The Bishop is coming to administer his Confirmation next week.”

The Baptist was in a wheelchair, both legs broken as well as an arm. “I found a bear without any trouble, but when I began to read him the Word of God, he wanted nothing to do with me. We wrestled up one hill and down another, until we came to a creek. I dunked that bear under and baptized him in the name of the Holy Spirit, and lo and behold, that bear became as meek as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus together.”

The Rabbi was in a hospital bed, in a full body cast, an IV in each arm and connected to a cardiac monitor. He said, “Well, now that I look back on it, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to start off with circumcision.”

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Amit_S

There are some people who think that their password is asterisk(s), a few who think the CD/DVD player is a tray to keep their coffee cups or biscuits on....

A friend once asked me if, "@" was the same as, ".com"

Someone had given him a e-mail address by phone and it was not working for him...
.

[Shamou]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around.

After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
.

[Shamou]

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds all day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called Therapy...
.

[Shamou]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a herbal pharmacy, a take-away and a laundry and have got the
woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their enterprises.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky and beating the sh*t out of each other. But they're happy because at least the English aren't having any fun.
.

[Shamou]

No Speaka English

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a$$es come together. I come once-a-more. Two a$$es they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said one of the men. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi."
.

[Shamou]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enron-capitalism):
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce 20 times the milk
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
* You think you have two cows
* But someone confirms they are really two sacks of spuds

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...
.

[Shamou]

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.....Please listen carefully to the options available."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
.

[Shamou]

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...

"For Heaven’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put every thing away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the damn cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-bottoms downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"
.

[Adrienne]

One day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled
terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt
sorry for her, put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her,
so we named her “Pussycat.”

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said
he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't
forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet
that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat,
not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband
calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each
other and constantly snipe at one another, with my
husband getting in the last word on this particular
occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his
doctor, who is located in the same building, next door
to the vet. The waiting room was full of people
waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the
vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud
voice said, "Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more
and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells
like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's
pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he
closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

adrienne

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Adrienne

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

adrienne

Good one Adrienne... that got a good chuckle out of me...
.

[Amit_S]

Originally Posted by Shamou

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.....Please listen carefully to the options available."

If you are .........
.

Hey! What about ADHDers? What do I press?

[Shamou]

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
.

[Shamou]

Hope that this is not a repeat… I have already posted something similar… but I don’t think it is the same… anyway here goes…

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.

They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to wage war!


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth,a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Amit_S

Hey! What about ADHDers? What do I press?

You press 3. No wait, 6. No no, 7. Actually, press 2. Ooo hey 9 looks good! Ahh no, it's 5, yeah, press 5. Or it could be 1...

[Mark Lapierre]

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

[Shamou]

Even God likes a good laugh...

There were 3 arguments that
Jesus could have been Black:
1 He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin
and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus could have been Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus could have been a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus could have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -
3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice
when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across
to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead,
He had to get up because there was more work to do.
.

[Shamou]

Good Bumper Stickers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Caution: I drive like you do.
.

[Shamou]

An A** Story

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local
auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up
buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his
surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local
paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S A** SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S A** OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A**

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS A** FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild
and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A** IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.
.

[Shamou]

Looking Back

Did you ever want to go back to the time when.....................

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old, referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball
and rules didn't matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people"
rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
(and STILL is as far as I am concerned!!)

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
protectors.

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up"
life.

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.

[Shamou]

My Dog, Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license I told the clerk I would like to have a
license for Sex. He said I'd like to have one, too." Then I said But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I
said But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't
understand," I said I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge
said Me too. Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked What are you doing in this alley
at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
.

[Shamou]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... that's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
.

[Shamou]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she's in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father, I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take
Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you!"

Dad said, "Bring the Fluffs over here." He took a rag, soaked it
with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go
one time around the block!"

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash!

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about half-way down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home!"
.

[Adrienne]

This is straight from a call log of a major computer company that happens to have technical support technicians in India and other points outside of the United States.

Problem Description: Client wants to know the MAC address for the computer. Advise client that I have no way of knowing or obtaining that information. Advise client that she would more than likely need to call Apple to see if they could point her in the direction of obtaining that. Client says that the MAC address is not a macintosh address. Client says that the MAC address can be obtained by doing an ipconfig /all. Client ended up disconnecting the call. During the call I believe I could hear someone else listening. Just before the call was ended by the client there was a something faintly said but I could not make it out.

Resolution: Advise client to contact Apple.

Adrienne

[Shamou]

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
.

[Shamou]

Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
14. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
20. And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
21. Do I look like a people person?
22. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
23. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
24. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
25. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
27. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
29. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
30. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
31. CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
.

[Shamou]

Pack a Parachute

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of
a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting
to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.
Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his
equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's
seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though
flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my
instructor?"
.

[Shamou]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
.

[Shamou]

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are A**HOLES!"

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"

So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an a**hole!"
.

[Shamou]

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
.