Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

Computer Viruses

Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a
complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

Polish Virus:
You have just received the "Polish Virus." As the Polish have no
programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Polish Computer Engineering Dept.
.

[Shamou]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." So he decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.

Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

---------------------------------------------------------

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
.

[Shamou]

Answerphone messages:

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi. Now you say something."

(From a Japanese guy in Toronto.)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. I like doing it up and down, and Sonya likes doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

(Australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile...

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Joe here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep.
Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

Call National Discount Brokers
1. dial 1-800-888-3999 (it's free)
2. listen to all of the options
3. after hearing #7, hit 7
... Every company should have an option #7 !
.

[Shamou]

Dai was on his way home from the England v Wales match at Twickenham when he had to screech to a halt and ended up in a massive traffic jam on the M4.

He wound down the window and thought to himself, This seems bad, nothings moving at all. He noticed a police officer walking back and forth, in and out of all the cars, so Dai shouts over, "'Scuse me officer, whats going on then?"

The officer replies, "An England fan, so depressed about losing to Wales today and the prospect of winning nothing again this year, he feels a right idiot for gobbing off saying England is the best team in the world. He's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire." The officer goes on," His family find him arrogant, and he hasn't got many mates. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh tidy," says Dai. "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far," replies the officer, "we've collected about 100 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
.

[Matthew Shea]

Found this one on the Darwin Awards Site. It had me rolling on the floor laughing.

I work in a geology lab with very smart people, such as James, who can tell you the petrogenetic peculiarities of low-alkali tholeiitic basalt after hydrothermal alteration. But our hero James recently demonstrated that there is a significant difference between intelligence and common sense.
While casting about for ways to rid himself of a pesky wasp nest, his eye fell upon his trusty Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner. Armed with this fearsome weapon, James attacked the wasp nest. He sucked up all the wasps, who buzzed angrily as they struggled in vain against the wind-tunnel. The dustbag was soon alive with their buzzing.

James now found that he had a new problem: to wit, a vacuum cleaner bag full of live, disgruntled wasps. He had to find a way to kill them before he could safely turn off the vacuum. And while his previous idea was merely ill-considered, his next was a masterpiece of moronity.

He held the vacuum tube in one hand, a can of RAID in the other, and proceeded to spray the insecticide into the vacuum. What our smart young scientist failed to remember is that aerosols are flammable, and vacuum cleaner motors generate heat. The resulting explosion removed his facial hair, and scattered the dusty, angry contents of the Dirt Devil all over the vicinity.

Adding insult to injury, James was not the only one to survive with minor injuries. The wasps proceeded to vent their spleen upon the exposed (and slightly scorched) skin of the scientist, who referred to the episode as "an unfortunate lapse in calculation of consequences."

[Shamou]

DUE TO INCREASING PRODUCTS LIABILITY LITIGATIONS.... AMERICAN LIQUOR MANUFACTURERS HAVE ACCEPTED THE FDA'S SUGGESTION THAT THE FOLLOWING WARNING LABELS IMMEDIATELY BE PLACED ON ALL VARIETIES OF ALCOHOL.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing "WITH" you.
___________________________________________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
___________________________________________

WARNING: the crumsumten of alcahol may Mack yu tink you kan tipe reel good.
.

[Shamou]

Redneck Vacation:

Bubba tells Billy Bob: "This year I'm changin' my vacation plans. The last five years I took your advice and went to the places you suggested, each year Mary-Lou got pregnant."

"This year I'm takin' her with me!"
.

[Shamou]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Amen
.

[Shamou]

The 2004 Darwin Awards


Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for
the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the
persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves
from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the
gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns
got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December
in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever
reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently
among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death.

A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the
Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day,
told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have
been heavily involved.)

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:

A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no
mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in
his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a
couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous
cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his
windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut
up in his nearly-airtight bedroom. According to the article, he was a
big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of
the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had
spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder
conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While
sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV
set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants
are always perennial favourites.)

Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN.
A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a
muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his
face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor
was cleaning a 54-calibre muzzle-loader that had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the
gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment
in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan
Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred,
said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears
that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
(Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the
Maritime Provinces.)

AND THE WINNER IS [ ... AGAIN??] [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and
struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis,
38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip
on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 calibre bullet from his pistol
fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon
inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and
the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After
travelling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river,
the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the
testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and
striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his
testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on
that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,"
stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the
world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would
admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of
the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had
caught and did anyone get them from the truck???


(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure
as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued
that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
.

[Shamou]

A Woman's Poem



He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.



I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...



Like his Mother used to do.
.

[Shamou]

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...
but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,


DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

I feel so Stupid.
.

[Shamou]

Apparently these are from notes on Patients' Hospital charts.
___________________________

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.>

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for >Physical
therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.


30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we Should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.


33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
.

[Shamou]

Texas Lingo:

a mess of - unit of mass

dern near - almost

et - as in "I et to much attha barberque, Myrtle"

Plumb - totally

goshdawg - exclaimation

dawg - four legged animal found under the porch

dawggonnit - exclaimation of frustration

high tail it - go at a rapid speed

hit the road - leave

hollard - yaled

didjya ever - have you ever

Wanna - want to.

Smackdab inda middlof - directly in the middle

Shootfire - of course

auda do - should do

aughten to - ought not to

a spell - come on over a visit a spell (a while)

dadgumit - curse word of exasperation

a fur piece - measure of distance

Where 'bouts you from? - What is your hometown

Howdja git here? - reason for ones relocation

Mosey on down--walkin' in that direction.

gotta skeedaddle lickety split--have to leave "right soon."

A hoot and a holler - close

Zackly - precisely. "I don't know zackly where in Texas darlin' Rhonda hails from."

Zat-is that? "Zat yo dawg? He's the spittin' image of you!"

Yo-possessive of you. "What's yo name, sweetheart."

Continya-continue. "Let's continya "speakin' suthun." This shore is fun!

Gimme-give me. "Gimme smore biscuits smothered in gravy."

Ail-sick or ill. "Gimme smore ale so I can cure what's ailing me."

Bad off-in real bad shape. "Jim Bob's in the hospital and boy is real bad off! He didn't even recognize his dawg!!!"

Beholden--indebted to. "I'm right beholden to ya for loaning me that thar huntin' dawg."

Cheer--furniture used for setting. "Pull yourself up that thar cheer and setchursef down for a spell."

Shore 'nuff--sure enough.

Drank--a drink. "Wanna drank somethin'?"

Get by with--to get away with. "Bobbie Sue will never let you get by with that farfetched story."

Figger--figure. "Peggy Sue's got a great figger!!!!"

Jest--just. "Jest married."

Skeeters and chiggers-damn bugs that annoy the "hale" out of a person.

Nuf - Nuf said (enough)

Earl - Hair Earl, Motor Earl (oil), Radio Earl (aerial).

Eyetalian - my daughter is marrin' that Eyetalian (Italian) fellow.

Didji - Didji know or didji hear (did you)

Pony-ac - I'm going to buy me a brand new Pony-ac (Pontiac).

Yeller - I going to buy me a brand new yeller (yellow) pony-ac.

Auta (should)-"I auta go to work but ahm tared."

Barn (born)-"I was barn in Texas."

Ded (not alive)-"He ded."

Suppah (supper)--Suppah comes after dinnah.

Catchup--Pass the catchup so I can catch up with ya.

Ain'tcha (aren't you)--Ain'tcha goin' to ask me to dance?

fixin': A'm fixin to quit this silly stuff
.

[Shamou]

Banned Substances Found in Armstrong's Hotel

By MICHELLE FAUL The Associated Press

Wednesday, August 3, 2005; 11:00 PM PARIS, France

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.

Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France. The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be OK throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and a pair of testicles.
.

[Shamou]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North & South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK!
.

[Shamou]

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

and, last but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
.

[Shamou]

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
* television
* penicillin
* polio shots
* frozen foods
* Xerox
* contact lenses
* Frisbees and
* the pill

There was no:
* radar
* credit cards
* laser beams or
* ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
* pantyhose
* air conditioners
* dishwashers
* clothes dryers
* and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
* man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
* "grass" was mowed,
* "coke" was a cold drink,
* "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
* "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
* "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
* " chip" meant a piece of wood,
* "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
* "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.


This Woman would be only 58 years old!
.

[Shamou]

When I was just a kitten,
My mother said to me.
"Someday, you'll have a human pet,
They're cuddly and they're free".

She said "They're awful clumsy,
They stumble, trip, and fall.
They cannot even see a Cat,
Sleeping in a hall".

"They act as if they own the place,
They're bossy every day".
"You'll learn you must ignore them
It's just the human way".

So, I took my Mom's advice,
I got a human pet.
I have named her Candy,
And she's cuddly as they get.

Owning Candy's been some fun,
And usually we are friends.
But she can be a handful,
I'm glad she wasn't twins.

Humans really aren't too bright,
Their brains are small, I guess.
While trying hard to train her,
I've not had much success.

She doesn't seem to understand,
How things are 'posed to be.
She insists on being headstrong,
Not mellowed out, like me.

She hasn't learned to lick herself,
To keep her body clean.
And when it comes to purring,
She isn't very keen.

She plays on her computer,
Just wasting time away.
When playing with a ball of string,
Could really make her day.

She's seems content to sit there,
Banging on those keys.
While I inspect her ankles,
Checking them for fleas.

When my neighbors visit me,
We sneak out to the bushes.
We laugh about our human pets,
While sitting on our tushes.

I suspect she's sniffing catnip,
As one day she got so high.
She tried to throw me in the sink,
It was filled with chartreuse dye.

Candy's getting up in years,
And becoming rather slow.
There are a lot of cats out there,
Who'd say she has to go.

But I'm inclined to keep her,
I've considered this a lot.
Why train another human pet,
When I love the one I've GOT.
.

[Iff]

Here's the best... anecdote... ever (in my humble opinion)!