Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He commands Sniffer "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is sickened by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

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[Shamou]

I've seen this before, if you haven't............

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

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[Shamou]

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

"The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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[Shamou]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

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[Shamou]

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,

I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

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[Shamou]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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[Shamou]

Differences between Men and Women:


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Why do men like love at first site?
It saves them a lot of time.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to a circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women when they have no intentiom of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you.
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

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[Shamou]

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
! My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

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[Shamou]

Terror Alert!

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's principal white flag manufacturing facility, effectively paralyzing their military.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The
Italians have increased their alert level from "Shouting Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain,
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state, from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone
from "Isolationist" to "Find Somewhere Else in the Middle East Ripe for Regime Change". Their remaining, higher alert states are "Take on the World" and "Ask the British and Australians for Help".

Finally, here in Britain, we've gone from "Pretend Nothing's Happening" to "Make Another Cup of Tea". Our higher levels are "Remain Resolutely Cheerful" and "Win". In parliament today, the British attitude level was raised from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, it may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been at "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940,when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
Issued was during the Great Fire, in 1666.

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[Erin Pavlina]

Shamou, you're starting to repeat yourself. Are you running out of material?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Shamou, you're starting to repeat yourself. Are you running out of material?

Naw... I have hundreds... however my memory is somewhat limited... so, after over 300 jokes I tend to forget what I have posted...

BTW... I had the feeling that this last one had been posted before... I'll try not to repeat that...

And, thanks for the nudge... it might help to keep me awake...

Also, I am grateful that you've followed some of this thread... it is appreciated...

.

[Shamou]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."

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[Amit_S]

A married woman was having an affair, and whenever her lover came over, she put her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman heard a car in the driveway and put her lover on the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy said, “Its dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is,” the man replied.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asked.
“No, Thanks,” the man replied.
“I think you do,” the little extortionist continued.
“Ok, how much?” the man replied after considering the position he was in.
“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy said.
“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeated incredulously, but complied to protect his hidden position.
The following week, she heard a car in the driveway and, again, placed her lover in the closet with the little boy.
“Its dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy started off.
“Yes it is”, replied the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asked.
“Ok. How much?” the hiding lover responded, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars,” the boy replied and the transaction was completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father said “Hey, son, go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” the little boy said.
“How much did you get for them?” asked the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy said.
The father, being an ethical, God-fearing Christian, and believing the boy had cheated another child, said, “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That’s thievery! I’m taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” as he hauled his son away.
At the church, the little boy went into the confessional, drew the curtain, sat down, and said, “Gee, its dark in here, isn’t it?”
The priest said, “Don’t you start that s**t in here, now.”
__________________________________

Ohmmmemployment

Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “I’m fine, thanks.”
“And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?”
“Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.”
“Meditating? What’s that?”
“I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing!”

_________________________________

I Know What the Bible Means

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.’”

__________________________________

A small boy desperately wanted a bicycle. So he prayed for one when his birthday came. He did not get one, So he prayed for one at Christmas, but he did not get one. Then he realized that is not how things work, so he stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

____________________________________

A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,
"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy.
But we believe in having only one wife.
This is called monotony"
___________________________________

Why did the Mormon woman cross the road?

Who cares ?? -- what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

[Amit_S]

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.

That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.

[Shamou]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you b*stard, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

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[Shamou]

Irish Joke.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

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[Amit_S]

Another one:

A nun was riding in a taxi cab one night, and noticed the driver kept darting nervous glances into the passenger compartment. Finally he plucked up his courage and said, "Sister, I’d like to ask you a question, but I don’t know how to say it without offending you."

"I assure you, my son," said the nun. "I’ve heard just about everything. There’s nothing you can ask that would offend me."

"It’s that black habit, I guess," said the driver, blushing. "I’ve always fantasized about being kissed by a nun."

To his surprise, the nun solemnly thought over his request. "Are you single?"

"Yes."

"Are you Catholic?"

"Yes!"

"Then if it means that much to you," said the nun, "I don’t see what harm it would do."

The driver eagerly pulled over to the curb. To his utter astonishment, the nun grabbed him by the lapels and gave him the deepest French kiss he had ever had in his life. He was so stunned, he didn’t say a word as he put the taxi in gear and drove on.

"Wow!" he said at last. "That was such a great kiss, I really feel guilty about lying to you, sister. You see, I’m not really single, and I’m not really Catholic."

"Think nothing of it, my son," said the nun. "My name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a costume party."

[Shamou]

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait until you see the last one)

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

! DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

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[Shamou]

For all the Cop Lovers...

Radar Cop

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the Limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do? "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
Work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
Slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot rectum?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun! And park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $105.00
Court Costs. $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face................... PRICELESS

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[WanderingOak]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Naw... I have hundreds... however my memory is somewhat limited... so, after over 300 jokes I tend to forget what I have posted...

BTW... I had the feeling that this last one had been posted before... I'll try not to repeat that...

And, thanks for the nudge... it might help to keep me awake...

Also, I am grateful that you've followed some of this thread... it is appreciated...

.

That last gag has had several iterations. I'm not sure if I had seen that particular one before or not...