Fun and Humor Time

[Shamou]

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."


---------------------------------------------------------


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

.

[Shamou]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is
> still alive," in the newspapers, Osama himself decided to
> send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him
> know he was still in the game.
>
> Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single
> line of coded message:
>
> 370HSSV-0773H
>
> Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and
> her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No
> one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
> NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked
> Britain's MI-6 for help.
>
> Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this
> reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside
> down"

--------------------------------------------------------


A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was just checking ...

.

[Shamou]

The kind of face a woman likes:

A study conducted by UCLA's department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his *** while he's on fire.

No further studies are expected.

.

[Jmpyle]

A preacher decides one day that he wants to go hunting instead of fulfilling his sunday obligation of giving a sermon. He tells the deacons Saturday night that he is feeling very sick and they will have to find a replacement.

The next day, the pastor loads up his pickup and heads out to the woods. All excited because he has clearly gotten out of giving the sermon that sunday without getting caught, he happily wanders throughout the woods looking for game.

He comes to a stream and decides to stoop down and get a drink. He puts his rifle down and bends down to drink from the stream and to put his head in. When he pulls his head out of the water, to his dread, he sees a 1,000 pound grizzly running straight towards him.

Not having time to pick up his rifle, the pastor prays quickly "dear Lord, please convert this bear into a christian!"

Amazingly the bear stops dead in his tracks 5 feet from the pastor, lifts its paws to heaven and exclaims,

"Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to eat."

[Shamou]

Hello and welcome aboard Jmpyle...

Very glad that you decided to join and hope that you like it here...

The fact that your very first post was a joke... is a very good sign... you should be a welcome addition to this board... also, your public profile is quite interesting... so I'll be looking forward to reading your posts and hopefully share, learn and grow with you...

Best regards...

.

[Shamou]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood..big, residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really , really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you ....is that "British Hospitality?"

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."

.

[Shamou]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,

"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

-----------------------------------------------------


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

.

[Shamou]

Murphy's Laws of Combat

If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when you're ready for them.
when you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
Friendly fire isn't.
If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
The one item you need is always in short supply.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

.

[Shamou]

Two guys are playing golf, suddenly a naked young woman appears as if out of nowhere running across the course and disappears into trees on the far side, within seconds two men in whitecoats appear in hot pursuit, right behind them is a third man trying to keep hold of a straitjacket, some distance behind him is an old guy in overalls wheezing heavily, and carrying two buckets of sand.

The two golfers stand aghast at the spectacle - suddenly a man with a clipboard dashes after the others and the golfers manage to stop him.

'What' goin on ? ' Ask one of the golfers.

'We're chasing a woman who broke out of the lunatic asylum.' The clipboard guy replies.

'Well what's with the guy carrying the two buckets of sand ?'

- 'The woman's being treated for nymphomania ... the buckets are to slow him down as he's the lucky s.o.b who caught her last time.'

.

[Shamou]

Metaphors from Student Essays


Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my mate Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

.

[Shamou]

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write,"A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

.

[Gordon]

A frustrated woman screams out in a public place.....Aaarrrrggghhhh....just for once I want a real man to treat me like a woman should be treated.

Suddenly from the crowd, a young stud appears!!! He strolls sexily towards the woman and starts to undo his crisp white shirt, revealing underneath his tanned rippled torso.....and as he approaches the woman and has removed his shirt, he stands half naked before her and looks her straight in the eyes and says, 'Here can you iron this for me?"

[Shamou]

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,
"I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself,
"I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says,
"You know, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals".
The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says,
"You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived the wreck."

So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full-unopened bottle of Whisky.
He says to the Englishman, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast our new found understanding and friendship."
The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts
sucking down the Whisky. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says,
"Your turn!"

The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says,

"Nahh, I think I'll wait for the police to show up."

.

[Shamou]

Pillsbury Doughboy Dies at 71

Betty Crocker announced today that "it is with the saddest heart that we pass along the following news.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife Playdough and two children, John Dough and Jane Dough (who also has a bun in the oven). He was cremated in a lightly greased oven.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, the Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high wth flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Mr. Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was unfortunately filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, preferring to waste his life on half-baked schemes instead.

For this he was often accused of being a bit flakey. Yet others thought he could be a bit crusty, but his defenders thought he was the perfect roll-model.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Please join me in remembering a great pillow of the community."

.

[Shamou]

For art connoisseur only...

An infamous French thief, wanted for years in Europe, almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. After planning the crime and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to post a story like this.)

.

[Shamou]

Alleged extracts from insurance claims :

Incidents with Pedestrians.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
Accidents with other vehicles.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)
Collisions, calamities, and injuries.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
Who is to Blame?
No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

.

[Argentum]

Say no to dirt. Say no to drug!

[Mark Lapierre]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity:

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows crashed. I am the
Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[Shamou]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

.

[Shamou]

Seen on a beaten up old Ford Transit van in London owned by three 'rockers' in a house share, way back in the 70's :

'Don't laugh ... your daughter may be inside.'

Also saw this on a stockbrokers car outside his offices more recently :

'My other car is a Porsche.'

(It was stuck on a Lamborghini.)

Though the best sticker I ever saw was in the window of a house in Texas, shown in a BBC report on gun ownership -

'Is there life after death ... trespass here and find out.'

.

[Shamou]

Church Sign Bloobers


Source: Welcome to Word and Worship, Pastor Tommy Douthat

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

.

[Shamou]

This is a true one. I hope none are too offended!!!!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of
their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner
answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter. Here's how it all went
down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventurous than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get

his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from
a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."



After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

.

[Shamou]

Sometimes... a picture is worth a thousand words...

.

[Shamou]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a$$."

.

[Shamou]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

.

[Shamou]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING THE POSSE...!"

.

[Amit_S]

Hey Shamou! Keep it going!
_______________

A guy goes to his father and introduces his new girlfriend, saying, "Dad, this is Nicole, my new girl friend, I think I'm going to marry her."
His father looks at the girl, pulls her to the side and asks her, "Is your mom's name Rachel?" The girl says yes, "Is she a nurse?, yes, says the girl.
The father pulls the son to the side and says to him, "Son, I don't think you should marry this girl because she may be your sister!

The guy is disappointed, calls off his engagement and months later introduces another girl to his father.

Dad, he says, "This is Heather, my new girlfriend and I think I'm going to marry her." Same thing happens, the father talks to the girl and advises his son not to pursue the relationship since there is a good chance that the girl could be his sister.

This scenario repeats itself a few more times.

Finally, the guy goes to his mother, all frustrated and tells her the story.

His mom says to him, "Son, go ahead and marry any of these girls that you wish. Your dad doesn't know it, but you are not his son!!!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Amit_S

Hey Shamou! Keep it going!

Thank you... your joke was very good...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Ermintrude: " I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Ermintrude.

"It's true, no bull!"

---------------------------------------------------------


a traveling salesman is out on the road and asks a farmer if he can spend the night. the farmer says he'll have to sleep in the barn. the next morning the salesman thanks the farmer, telling him he had a great night's sleep and he particularly enjoyed talking to the animals. "the horse says he loves it here, and that he's thirteen years old... elsie the cow likes it here, and says she is milked every morning like clockwork...and the sheep...". the farmer interrupts, saying, "that sheep is lying!"

.

[Shamou]

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

.

[Shamou]

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

.